Help me work out if this is fair?

[easeyourfeet]

I’m feeling resentful and annoyed that things aren’t fair in lots of ways in my very long term relationship.
please can you have a read and tell me straight.

Dh had a business, he was only bringing home £30000 when he had it for years before it was less than that. We have brought up two children and they are now 20 and 18. Up until four years ago I worked four days and before that three days, Dh was full time. Dh has no pension . My job is also low money at £28000 and I’m now full time. I have a very small pension from this.

Dh lost his business and also lost his Dad in the same year. He got £50000 for the business and £100000 inheritance. He paid the mortgage off with this.

so we are mortgage free. But he still has no pension, he has found a part time job which pays £20000 and likes working 3 days a week.

This wasn’t the purpose of my post but because he is working less he should be doing more and we have two late teens who need a bit of support at the moment.
On his two days off he doesn’t get much done around the house

we can afford to live at the moment. But I’m resentful about the pension.

im just wondering if I’m being a cow because he has paid that mortgage off?

Neither of you are particularly ambitious or driven, and as a result of that, you won’t have a high standard of living, either now or in retirement.

I doubt you’ve built up much pension.

I don’t see why you resent him when he’s always earnt more, worked more and has paid off your mortgage?

How old are you both? Does he get a pension in this new job ?
it’s difficult but I’ve always been of the opinion that you put into the house and pay what
finances what you can. So if your DH can do his work til he can take retirement from the state then that would bring an income after he leaves this current job.
I also feel that working parents take the household jobs accordingly, and the kids do their bit too.
if he has spare time and does no housework then he needs to work longer hours an perhaps get a cleaner?!

no we aren’t particularly driven. Is that a character flaw? I love my job but I don’t earn much.

I just feel like I’m going to feel resentful when we are eating baked beans as pensioners because I was working part time to bring up kids and so couldn’t progress at work

Cleaner? I think we live in different worlds

If he works less and has more free time as a result then he needs to be picking up more household slack. That’s just how partnership works.

The pension issue - well, you can be resentful but ultimately you chose to stay with him through all the years he was self employed, knowing what the financial situation was. You’ve both had similar incomes and neither of you have built much of a pension, so why should either of you think pension is the other’s responsibility? You went part time for the children; he paid off the mortgage: it sounds as though you’ve each contributed fairly there.

No it’s not a character flaw. But you seem to be resentful of your future retirement being poor, and that’s a result of both of your actions? So I’m not sure why you’re blaming him?

Because he lost the business. I worked part time and brought up kids so he could grow the business and that would be the pension.

That was the understanding anyway

Sounds like a risk you both took that didn’t pay off 🤷‍♀️

Maybe your husband is also resentful of you only working part time even when your kids were teenagers ….
you can’t blame your husband and resent him for your lifestyle choices !

Unless there’s a back story whereby he lost the business through recklessness or ineptitude then it sucks that it didn’t work out, but that’s just how it is sometimes. He could never guarantee that the business was going to suddenly flourish, and it was up to both of you to make a mutual decision to call it quits when it became apparent it was always just going to be providing an average income. I have a business-founding and owning husband myself so I’m not unsympathetic, but whilst it’s doing well now, I’m aware of the risks and we make other plans accordingly.

That wasn’t what happened. His two business partners decided they wanted to go it alone without DH. I still don’t know why and neither does he

He was happy earning £30000

When the teens leave can you downsize and release funds for retirement years?

If he never made more than 30k from it, yet still got 50k by selling, he probably did well in that sale.

Presumably it was low earning for years and you could have made the joint decision to pivot at any point. You chose a low income just as much as he did.

And you’re happy earning 28k?

I don’t have a lot of options

You’re mortgage free and presumably currently living in a home large enough to have the DC at home. When they leave home, you can downsize and release equity. That’s a great option you (both) have, and one which will afford you choices in retirement.

I think you have to own your own decisions here OP. You worked part time until your youngest was 14 - that was a choice you made.

Retirement doesn’t look rosy for you or your husband but that’s as a result of both of your choices.

I’d understand the resentment if you’d always worked more and had built up a big pension and were now expected to support a husband who hadn’t. But that isn’t the case here.

Sounds like between his (slightly) higher earnings, the £50k from his business sale and his £100k inheritance, he's brought much more to the table than you. Maybe he's resentful, and thinks it's time you stepped up?

Are you at least putting the effort in to increase your earnings now?

To add, between you, you currently have a household income of £48K and no housing costs. How old are you both? Set up a SIPP (self invested personal pension) and both commit to putting as much money as you can into it. You can get bogged down in resentment about how things “should” have been if they’d gone to plan, or you can start taking the reins and shaping what the plans are going to look like now.

No I’m not. We have enough to live on. I would feel more resentful if I had to get a second job while he works three days.

Yes he has brought more money to the table but I have done everything else. Everything to do with the kids, garden, Christmas, birthdays, food shop, cleaning

49 and 52

that sounds good, can we make a shared one?

currently have other costs like driving lessons and new roof but can do this after

No, start now. Even £50 a month will compound and make a difference. You don’t have time to waste.
Have a read of the thread about living on a state pension. The consensus is it’s fine if there are two of you, but not if only one.

It sounds quite a pleasant life style. Could you downsize later on if you needed to? You can’t buy back the time