Help me work out if this is fair?

[easeyourfeet]

I’m feeling resentful and annoyed that things aren’t fair in lots of ways in my very long term relationship.
please can you have a read and tell me straight.

Dh had a business, he was only bringing home £30000 when he had it for years before it was less than that. We have brought up two children and they are now 20 and 18. Up until four years ago I worked four days and before that three days, Dh was full time. Dh has no pension . My job is also low money at £28000 and I’m now full time. I have a very small pension from this.

Dh lost his business and also lost his Dad in the same year. He got £50000 for the business and £100000 inheritance. He paid the mortgage off with this.

so we are mortgage free. But he still has no pension, he has found a part time job which pays £20000 and likes working 3 days a week.

This wasn’t the purpose of my post but because he is working less he should be doing more and we have two late teens who need a bit of support at the moment.
On his two days off he doesn’t get much done around the house

we can afford to live at the moment. But I’m resentful about the pension.

im just wondering if I’m being a cow because he has paid that mortgage off?

A SIPP has to be in one person’s name, but you can each have one. Start now - as redfishcat says, even small amounts will make a difference until you can make them larger ones.

I thought you were going to be older than 49 and 52. You both have almost 20 years of working age ahead of you, you have time to set retirement plans in place and commit to financing them. And whilst he isn’t to blame for a business not working out, DH needs to take hold of himself and accept the reality: at 52, with little pension, and it seems like the ambition of helping adult children financially, working part time isn’t feasible for him long term. I agree with you that you do get to feel some resentment about that, all the more so if he isn’t using his extra time to take some of the domestic load off you. Many people would like to work part time, but he can’t do that knowing it’s compromising you both financially.

Why would you resent him for a choice you made? Unless he held a gun to your head, you must have chosen to work PT.

presumably you’ve both got another 15(ish) years to work? It seems a bit early for either of you to be part time if you’ve not saved enough for retirement. It’s also plenty of time to try and progress in your respective careers and increase earnings.

that plus releasing equity from your property should maybe be enough.

YABU for putting this in your DH and feeling resentful towards him

So obviously you both have lots of time left to work and build up savings/pensions if that's what you want.

But also... assuming you're both getting your full state pension (?) you'll be getting a grand a month each? With no mortgage that seems completely liveable when compared to your "usual" earning pattern, for both of you.

Is the issue that you wanted to have a better lifestyle by then?

You earn 48k between you with no mortgage, what are you spending your money on? Of course you could afford a cleaner. Or to put money in to a pension, have you not researched options?

What are your children doing/contributing to the household costs?
At 18 and 20, whilst they are still YOUR children, they are adults not children.

If they are earning they should be paying at the least a nominal amount of board.

If they are studying, can they get a part-time job to help fund their own driving lessons?
And they absolutely should be doing their fair share around the house!

It does sound like your H has possibly made some less than sound financial decisions e.g. why didn't they have pensions? Pensions are a really tax efficient allowable expense for small businesses!

Also from what you've written, your husband didnt LOSE his business, he was bought off for 50k, he didn't go bankrupt.

Whether that was a good deal or not, he had to agree to that settlement figure surely?

Did you take financial advice re: paying off the mortgage versus investing some into a pension?

Given your ages, you've both still got a good 15 years to add to a pension. Look at AVCs in your existing work pensions - if you dont have one, why not? Because you are eligible for auto enrollment into a workplace pension scheme. If either of you have opted out, it back in immediately because you are losing out on employers contributions and tax relief.

What does he say about his lack of pension?

I think from your H's perspective he probably feels like he's "bought" the right to work 3 days having paid off the mortgage? And presumably is still contributing to household expenses. If your combined incomes arent sufficient then you need to discuss together how to either optimise your incomes or reduce your outgoings.

In terms of sharing the load, have you discussed this with him? What does he do on his non working days? Is he supporting the teens?

I think you need to raise it with him because the resentment is festering. As a mum, youve worked AND carried the household labour for years, its not unreasonable to want him to take that load on now he is working part-time.

Here’s what I reckon your situation has been, OP - you worked part time when the kids were young because your DH wasn’t available to pitch in with childrearing or domestic labour as all his time and energy was allegedly going into this business which was going to support you all in old age.

But the business never brought in much money, didn’t work out, and now he’s working 3 days a week for lifestyle reasons, and still doing fuck all around the house, and is making no moves either to earn more or contribute meaningfully to family life.

There’s been a slow dawning realisation that he’s all mouth and no trousers. That the story about the business needing all his energy was largely an excuse to phone it in at home, that he doesn’t want to trouble himself to do much at all, and you are furious at the prospect of potentially spending your twilight years in penury with someone so profoundly unmotivated and happy to take you for granted.

Am I close?

You're both still relatively young. You should both be working full time and saving and investing as much as you can for the next 15 years or so.

Was loosing the business his fault ? You quoted he got £50k plus inheritance and paid off the mortgage. Why didn't you tell him to use it to purchase pension contributions instead, if you are worried about a pension in the future.

Cleaner? I think we live in different worlds

I don't even know anyone who has a cleaner.
People from all walks of life here.

Sounds more like he sold his share in the business to the ither two partners for £50,000. If he didn't want to do that and they were all equal partners, then why did he sell?.

The money you were paying on your mortgage can that not be paid into a pension or at least an ISA for the next 15 yrs until retirement

That was the idea but he now earns £10000 less than before so we have the same money really but the mortgage is paid off

That was the settlement. They didn’t want him in it anymore

You are

How old were the dc when you returned to
working full time?

Secondary school. I know o could have gone back earlier but I was working four days and on that day off I saw my mum and got chores /housework done

Like others, I sense from you a lack of personal responsibility for your own choices and where you are. Sounds like you would have liked to be financially supported by him and this is what you expected. Whilst I can see it’s disappointing it didn’t turn out how you expected, I think that most people could earn more than £28K at your age if they were determined and driven.

Whats stopping you progress now? You could do 5 days, you could have dont 5 days for about 7 years. 4 days at £28k 5 days would be £35k.

Hes worked more, earnt more and paid off the mortgage. I think youd be very ungrateful to resent him, youre going to be a lot more secure becuase he paid off the mortgage

You earn together around 50 000 - this is more the national average. Pensions. Whatever comes, comes ....

But that was a choice to work part time.,and that choice always meant you would have less money

Your resentment is twofold. First, that he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, and second that you had and expected a fairly traditional set up where you did most of the domestic work and in return he would provide, but now that’s not happening.

You live with three adults, so you don’t need to be doing any cooking, cleaning, admin or clothes washing for anyone other than yourself. If they don’t do those things for themselves, tough. If they don’t do their share
of shared chores, they all need to be read the riot act.

I see you. 💐

Ignore anyone whose main motivation for posting is to sneer at your situation or kick you while you're down.

Use your anger to propel you forward. Don't spend any more energy on your DH than you absolutely have to. Detach emotionally from the relationship and concentrate on building a life that fulfils you and a career that serves you better financially. You know already that he's not going to change. You've still got time to reclaim your life.

Courage! You can do it.

Yeah, he knows

Tell him it's his turn to support your career and work full time for a year or two while you study/retrain then up your own earnings.