What to do when you can't agree on where to live

[Whoareyou39]

I'd like a modestly sized home, still big enough but with a reasonable mortgage.
I'm willing to be resourceful with space (it isn't that small and is workable). It's still bigger than what we have now.
My husband wants a much bigger home, where the mortgage is a few hundred extra per month, he says he wants as much space as possible and taking on a bigger mortgage is 'what people have to do' .
I'm not asking us to live in a shoebox but I don't want us to be trapped with a high mortgage, higher bills and still needing to pay for repairs and so on. I'm just looking to be slightly more sensible and ensure we're comfortable. We can't agree so I don't know what to do.

I think we really need to understand the context better to be able to comment. A lot of extra space for just a few hundred doesn’t sound unreasonable to me, but I think we need know how much of a jump you’re talking in terms of space and money, and the level of impact that would have on your lifestyle (again in terms of space and money)

£400 extra per month, we don't necessarily need all the space, it's a nice to have but just means higher bills and more cleaning (usually me)

Have you done the exact sums/working out on both scenarios? In terms of all your outgoings vs income and how much disposable you would have left each month once essentials are covered? How much tighter does the bigger house make things?

Have you savings if needed, so that if you have a bigger mortgage and bills but something unexpected came up (boiler, car write off, tree fell onto your roof etc) you could cover it? If not, and you went for the bigger house, would you be able to create some savings or would all money now go on the mortgage?

I completely agree with you. I'd much prefer a manageable home with lower mortgage and bills. I want to live in a space that doesn't stress my out and supports my lifestyle rather than a bigger building where I'm working just to keep things stable. I'd rather be able to have some fun money and savings for a rainy day. I try to keep it so we can pay the essential bills on one person's wage just in case our circumstances change.

If our income increases then fine but it's just a personality difference. I don't want to be counting every penny and struggling just to keep up with the joneses. I am more modest, even he says it. I just don't know what to do.

What does £400/month correspond to as a portion of your joint income?

It would be £200 each. I earn in the mid 30s, but that £200 could go on overpaying, savings, repairs, holidays and so on. I don't personally feel the space is an issue, but looks like I'll have to just accept it.

Can you not find a compromise somewehere between the two?

I hope we could.

How about instead of looking at cost agree some absolutely critical things to each of you in terms of what you are looking for in a home. Write separate lists and compare and discuss how you see living in a space then see what matches a set of agreed criteria

Does he earn more?

You can say, I will pay x-amount on mortgage and bills any more it’s all on you honey

you can point out extra cleaning, so will you do the extra bathroom every week and the second reception and the spare bedroom

basically thrash this all out beforehand and then WhatsApp him the decisions so it’s all written down (screen shot and save)

if you put up your terms and conditions perhaps this extra space - which comes first him extra payments and extra domestic chores will not be as desirable

Well one thing you need to factor is that £400 isn’t ’thrown away’ it’s invested, you’d have a larger investment at the end of it. But of course you dont have to just accept it, you’re in a relationship, you have to come to a compromise together.

I’d be more concerned about moving costs tbh. Moving is expensive, I’d want to be sure the move in itself was absolutely worthwhile. It’ll cost you a lot more than the mortgage increase.

Wow to be Okey yet,just say it in scared

(In the short term I mean)

I see people on here being crippled by high mortgages and childcare costs and so on. Whilst childcare fees are somewhat inevitable, if that can be offset by a more affordable mortgage then that could make a big difference.

I don’t think anyone on here can give you accurate advice on the specifics- we don’t know what you both earn, what budget you’re looking at, what other expenses you have etc.

But it’s a common discussion for couples to have, and you’d hope to meet in the middle somewhere.

I downsized last year and paid off my mortgage. Sometimes I miss having more space/ options of where to put stuff, but I really really don’t miss all that extra money going out! Everyone’s different though; there’s no right or wrong (unless it cripples you financially or really doesn’t work space wise).

Tbh I think this is quite hard because fundamentally you want different things and if you were starting your relationship this would probably be one of those major stumbling blocks that would make you think you were incompatible- but it’s a bit late for that!

Myself and my ex always had these sorts of fundamental disagreements. Sometimes I got my way, sometimes he did. Whenever the person didn’t get their way they were stressed and uncomfortable until it was time to move again. People don’t just change their minds or forget that they didn’t want this house

I agree, I think in this instance im just going to go with what he wants to keep the peace. Not saying that's right but maybe easier.

Buy the bigger place but compromise and buy a place with an extra bathroom and that is suitable for a lodger.
Build in a kitchenette and have the lodger be quite independent.
Or buy a big enough place but in a better location, thus, your investment is going to be more profitable but you will have less cleaning.
Or buy the small place and also put a serious amount aside in a savings account for a future purchase of property. You miss out on property gains, perhaps, but also pay less interest.

Do you have children now? Because if/when they come along that will make a huge dent in your income, which could render the larger mortgage too difficult.

FWIW we had a similar debate, and ended up in the bigger house. I now pay for it 100% alone. In some ways it pushed me in my career to earn more, and it ultimately a “cheaper” way to get a big house (ie buying it sooner inn my life rather than later) but I have never liked the house and just learned to put a positive spin on it

I’m with you. I would tell DH that if he wants the Big House, he can pay for it, I wouldn’t be cutting back in other areas to subsidise it. So if it’s an additional £400 that is all on him.

From what you’ve said, you are on an average income and that extra money would potentially be better spent elsewhere/saved/pension.

That’s not a robust plan. If he stops paying “his bit” you’re fucked

So you’re potentially talking about an uptick of ~10% of your wage after tax? That’s not insignificant.
If either of you were to take a drop in income/loss of income then that’s potentially huge.

What do you mean about being resourceful with space?
That sounds like it might be a touch too small?