What to do when you can't agree on where to live

[Whoareyou39]

I'd like a modestly sized home, still big enough but with a reasonable mortgage.
I'm willing to be resourceful with space (it isn't that small and is workable). It's still bigger than what we have now.
My husband wants a much bigger home, where the mortgage is a few hundred extra per month, he says he wants as much space as possible and taking on a bigger mortgage is 'what people have to do' .
I'm not asking us to live in a shoebox but I don't want us to be trapped with a high mortgage, higher bills and still needing to pay for repairs and so on. I'm just looking to be slightly more sensible and ensure we're comfortable. We can't agree so I don't know what to do.

With regard to cleaning - often more space actually means faster/easier cleaning. I can bottom out my large 5/6 double bedroom/4 bathroom home faster than a family member can do her 3 bed (2 tiny singles) 1 bathroom home - mainly because I have no clutter at all. Whereas for her there is stuff literally all over as they don’t have enough room, so it’s a real battle.

If you have more bathrooms, in my experience it’s not multiplying the cleaning either as they stay cleaner because they get less use.

I wouldn’t use that as a reason not to move.

However, I also wouldn’t over stretch myself.

I think my cunning master plan was counting on the DH deciding he didn’t actually need the Big House once he realised he would have to sacrifice his golf/season ticket/whatever to finance it!!

You need to stress-test the scenario of bigger mortgage. Put the space aside for now. What happens if one of you gets made redundant? Or leaves? What is the council tax, bills etc. what are the moving costs?
If the sums add up, then it’s a conversation about the type of house.

I hated our previous shoebox house. But I had 2 children in it, we could survive on 1 salary. We did then move to the biggest house we could afford at the time and employed a cleaner…!
What does life look like if he wins / you win? Is it a hill you are willing to die on…?

I feel like I am just going to accept the bigger mortgsge to avoid any conflict/issues.

Why does he want the extra space? Mine just has so much stuff (and could easily have coped in a smaller place if he would declutter) but now we both WFH a lot extra space to have a work space each is worthwhile. Moving is expensive so if you thought you might want to move in the future for more space (kids got example) then could be worth just doing it now. However it is a lot more money especially on your wage

Same, I had a one bed mid terraced house that was a nightmare to keep tidy because there was no space. I moved into a slightly bigger house 3 bed and its so much easier to keep tidy.

It's not just the higher mortgage, it could be council tax band, energy costs as well. Don't forget to factor that too.

I honestly don’t think we can help as to you what’s moderate could feel shoeboxey to others, he could mean mansion or reasonably sized house. Tbh just mo but even though I’m on mw, 400 a month between two people doesn’t seem like a lot if it would give ye more space

My ex husband would’ve said “yeah fine” then not paid it.

Noting the “ex”! Yeah I had one like that.

My husband did this - wanted big and a renovation project. Turns out he had no plans on how to actually make it nice so I had to do it at great cost in terms of earnings and mental health. I won't be making that mistake again !

Compromise: agree to a bigger house ONLY if he can find an energy efficient house that's bigger ie lower bills or as low as you have now, that'll surely balance out? It's also the way to go if you have solar, MHRV, ground source heat pump, masses of insulation, triple glazing Passivhaus standards etc.
That'll likely save you a fair proportion of the difference between what he's proposing and what you propose in terms of energy bills, and mean also you have a great longterm investment for the extra £££ payments per month, reduced by the £££ you save in energy bills. Otherwise you'll not only be paying shed loads for the bigger house in terms of mortgage but also in terms of bills.

(Or alternatively buying a project you can easily upgrade to the above low energy. )

Don't be so bloody wet.

If you aren't going to use your autonomy to make an actual decision then Don't come crying to mumsnet in 30 years when you find out the bloke you had faith in and gone along woth has gotten the decision wrong.

Whether you actually decide or keep the peace, you're still accountable.

That makes you sound like a doormat, a martyr, or you are scared to say no to him?

What are her (genuine) options though? Either she’s “wet” or he is.
There isn’t a compromise with 2 different housing ideals. One person has to give in. Now that might not be healthy, but if they don’t plan to divorce, that’s the only outcome.

How big is big? And how small is small? Does your choice have room for children, possible children in the future? Does his choice include lots of rooms you would never use or be able to maintain it a huge garden when you don't like gardening?
Don't just go along with his choice just for an easy life as that may make your life much more difficult in the long term.
Have you been to see the houses? Does he have a realistic idea of how much heating bills, council tax, etc will be in the big house are you/he confident you can afford it?

Avoiding conflict/issues is just a way to breed resentment.

Why does it have to be so black and white?

Have you even looked at houses?

You haven’t given an indication of the difference in sjze. There was a thread recently about this and in virtually every couple it’s the dick waving men who want a bigger house.

You sit and do the actual sums and you also need to factor in the really awful stuff in life like, death, illness and job loss. Plus the nice expensive stuff, children, holidays, savings. The day to day running of the house, stamp duty levels, council tax bands and energy ratings.

I see you are already married, if you can't have rational discussions about money and just want to give in to keep the peace that is not a solid foundation for life long marriage.

That’s not healthy for a marriage

what size house do you want

and what does he want ?

how many bed rooms an living rooms /soaces

an extra £400 a month is a lot and if % go up then will be a lot more

yes im all for getting the bigger house you can afford so save selling /moving costs and stamp duty a few years later but not if it puts pressure on you both to afford it

if one of you lose your job can you manage the bills and mortgage on one salary for 6mths incase can’t find a job

I would suggest you both try and live for 6 months saving the value you would need to pay extra. So say £300 each. Then hopefully from your side he will see how it's a struggle and not want to move! Or you might find you don't miss the money and would prefer a nicer place?

Well they do what my husband and I do with each big life decision - thrash it out on paper, and throw away terms such as "modest" and promises like "I'll clean/pay/earn" more.

Here's a few things for you to consider OP:

• as PP said, a larger home can be easier to clean because you have more storage
• but - do you or your husband have hoarding issues? Those don't go away if you expand the space available
• do you plan to have kids? Do you WFH? Not one of me or my friends in a 3 bed with both of the above have enough space.
• maintenance, energy and tax will all be more on larger house
• but moving costs more too
• you are almost certainly not saving enough, or putting enough in your pension, because almost nobody is

There isn't an easy answer here, but I'd encourage you to stop thinking about it as "modest" house Vs "big flashy house" and think about what you need from a house in 5/10/15 years.

But they clearly don’t have a relationship that functions in the same way as yours. That’s the problem right? If they could just discuss it they wouldn’t be in this conflict

But you said "one person has to give in" - which isn't true. Houses don't come in two sizes, big or modest.

If OP gives in to her current mindset then she will end up in the big house by default.

I'm just giving her a few pointers for how to discuss this and agree what they need.

We had an extension that I didnt fully agree to, and couldnt really afford to make space we didnt especially need. Then probably 6-8 years of living quite frugally. I felt a lot of resentment tbh, so dont know if im in a good place to advise!
Weirdly becoming more financially comfortable and making better use of the extra space happened at the same time...

I think your observation here about it being a personality difference is correct. I think people asking about your financial situation, how much space you need etc. are probably missing the point. You are more modest, your instincts just fundamentally differ from his. I am not sure what the answer is but you could both spend some time thinking about where those instincts come from incase you have some underlying issues driving the preferences; does he crave external validation by having expensive things? Did you grow up in financial insecurity? Understanding where your different instincts come from might help you find compromise.... Or maybe I am overcomplicating things 😂but just a thought.