For not letting dd hang out with this girl

[ForSparklyOliveCat]

My 12-year-old daughter has just moved schools for high school, and I’m concerned about one of the girls in her class. My daughter is quite young for her age socially and can be naive, so she’s the type to be easily influenced.

I’ve seen this girl talk back to teachers on more than one occasion, post fairly depressing and mature things on social media, swear, and generally come across as someone who could be a bad influence.

Because of this, I’ve tried to stop my daughter from getting too close to her. I told her to unfollow the girl on social media, which she refused to do and it turned into an argument. I also wouldn’t let her stay back in the library to “study” with her, because realistically I have no way of knowing whether they would actually stay there.

The complication is that my daughter says this girl has been including her in her friend group and helping her settle into the new school. She says the girl makes her feel safe and supported in a new environment. What worries me even more is that my daughter seems to really admire her and is starting to idolise her, which I find quite concerning.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly cautious so I’d appreciate some outside perspectives.

Your daughter is 12 and I think your interference with her friendships could easily see her being isolated, bullied and unhappy.

You can't control her forever

This is the age where you hope what you’ve taught her in early life has stuck. You’ll have to start letting her go to manage her own friendships, and feel able to come to you if she ever needs help.

You have to step back at this age but talk about making good decision and give her tools to help. I always say DDs can always use me as an excuse, eg. “My mum says I have to come home and can’t stay out - urgh she is so annoying!” Even when I’ve not said that at all. We’ve also spoken about how they want to be perceived by others. Would they be happy for their head teacher to see screenshots of their messages or embarrassed? Dtds are now 14 but youngest in the year (end of August birthday) so we’ve had this but sometimes they have to “play the game” or risk social suicide.

Do it indirectly. Invite other girls over for sleepovers / cinema trips / whatever, sign her up to sports clubs / Guides / DoE / drama, arrange to see cousins or old friends. Basically promote other friendships.

Ask the girl over for tea and get to know her properly.

And if your DD is naive and not particularly streetwise, it will probably be good for her to be with someone more confident - she needs to learn the skills.

How you've seen her talking back at teachers in secondary school I'm not sure - we weren't allowed into lessons or anything.

Don’t focus on the friend, focus on your DD’s behaviour, re-iterating expectations she should have of herself, and encouraging her to stand up for her morals and standards.

You will not win this fight. You could try and encourage other friends. Or you could try and get to know the other child. She sounds potentially like quite an unhappy little girl. If she treat your Dd well then that’s all that’s really important. Being a bit mouthy and sad doesn’t make her a bad friend.

They have online meetings for their houses that's where I've seen her talking back at teachers.

You'll embarrass and alienate your daughter. She needs to figure these things out for herself. Encourage her other friendships too and be there for her. You can't baby a twelve year old in this way without upsetting her.

Why is your daughter on social media at 12?

You wont win this battle with how you are doing it.

Reinforce your own boundaries and expectations, promote other friendships and activities outside of school.

You don’t want your 12 year old susceptible to bad influences yet you allow her to be on social media (illegally). Make it make sense.

Everyone else in her class has social media so after tons of begging I let her get Instagram, which I heavily monitor so it should be safe.

Many of us have been through the “everyone else has it” battles and still said no because it’s not what’s best for them. There are age limits (which are too low in my opinion) for a good reason. Australia is banning social media for under 16s for a good reason.

I'd ignore everyone on here to be honest. If I could see my child being lead down the wrong path, I'd put a stop to it. Your job is to be her parent, not to let her do whatever she wants.

The only reason why I let her (with the condition of me going through her account regularly) is because I don't want her to be isolated as her cohort interacts a lot on the platform.

We had a birthday party for my son (now 13) last year and tbh all the girls were on sm and all the boys gaming. I’d also agree that if you push she’ll pull away more and think you should invite her over. My son had a friend we knew of as being older and tougher in personality and he’s surprised us in terms of both common sense and things we’ve caught him saying. A 12 yo isn’t quite at the stage where they have so much freedom to be able to hang around town yet so just keep a close eye but also don’t try to stop them being friends

No it isn't safe. Experts know this. Why else do you think there rule is 13 years old and probably moving up to 16.

I'd have no issue with my child being friends with a child like this but I wouldn't have them on social media. My son is 12 and isn't on it. Not alienated at all and has no interest in it

The more you tell her not to be friends with the girl, the more she will double down on being friends with her.

Equip her with the skills, knowledge & confidence to make good choices regardless of her friendships.

What sort of content does she post on SM which worries you?

What do you mean by “talk back to teachers”. Is she rude or just different opinion and not worried about voicing them?

Your posts are not that clear to me.

You've damned this girl without actually knowing her at all. So what is she talks back to teachers! You don't know her background etc.

Encourage your DD to invite this lass (and other friends) round for tea/sleepover/whatever. Keep an open mind.

Listen to your daughter when she says this girl is helping her.

If you want to encourage your DD to keep secrets and distrust you carry on making judgements about her friends and communicating them to her.

OP, don't you think that the good side of this girl could outweigh the bad side? She has been kind and welcoming to your DD, to me that is more important than the bad things you have said. I'd rather a girl who is a little too mature than a girl who is unkind or mean.

Re not letting her be with her friend after school as you're not sure they'd actually stay at school, do you mean your DD isn't allowed to go out after school with her friends? Why not? Most 12 year olds are allowed to do this IMO.

Awful.

My daughter is in y11 she’s 16, she has been friends with a girl since y7 (aged 11) the girl is always in trouble talks back at teachers is gobby , misbehaves something awful , she has a dreadful home life , my daughter is quite well behaved and never speaks back unless something awful is said to her , I’ve never stopped this friendship my daughter knows how to act and behave and has never let her friends behaviour encourage her in fact my daughters behaviour has often encouraged this girls behaviour to revise for exams acts , and when my daughter was being terribly bullied guess who had her back ? . You need to stop trying to end this friendship you have no real reason yet to step in you will isolate your daughter

You won't be able to stop her, but what you can is talk about choices always lead to consequences, good or bad, and to always think through decisions. Couple this with letting her blame you if she wants to get out of something she's not comfortable with, and she should be okay. I was always happy for my kids to use me as an excuse, and that they'd be rescued from non ideal situations if needed.