For not letting dd hang out with this girl

[ForSparklyOliveCat]

My 12-year-old daughter has just moved schools for high school, and I’m concerned about one of the girls in her class. My daughter is quite young for her age socially and can be naive, so she’s the type to be easily influenced.

I’ve seen this girl talk back to teachers on more than one occasion, post fairly depressing and mature things on social media, swear, and generally come across as someone who could be a bad influence.

Because of this, I’ve tried to stop my daughter from getting too close to her. I told her to unfollow the girl on social media, which she refused to do and it turned into an argument. I also wouldn’t let her stay back in the library to “study” with her, because realistically I have no way of knowing whether they would actually stay there.

The complication is that my daughter says this girl has been including her in her friend group and helping her settle into the new school. She says the girl makes her feel safe and supported in a new environment. What worries me even more is that my daughter seems to really admire her and is starting to idolise her, which I find quite concerning.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly cautious so I’d appreciate some outside perspectives.

You sound way too controlling, OP. Your DD is 12 and you need to step back and let her choose her own friends now.
I think most parents don't always like the friends their kids choose, but it's their choice; unless they're involved in crime or something more extreme than what you have posted here.

I’ve been on the other side of this… I was that girl that other parents stopped their daughters hanging out with. Instead of being judged and isolated, what I really needed was some good influences in my life and for someone to actually ask if I was ok. I was suffering from abuse and neglect at the time. I’ve wished so many times that the parents of those other girls could have checked whether I was ok instead of ostracising me. It could have saved me from years of pain.

If you’re letting your 12-year-old have access to social media, then this one girl is likely to be the least of your problems. It’s particularly interesting that one of your concerns is that the friend ‘posts fairly depressing’ things on SM yet you are happy for your daughter to have access to an entire world of posts like this, especially as, in your own words, she’s ’easily influenced’…

You also say that you have given in to her demands for something proven to be detrimental to someone as young as her because you don’t want her to be ‘alienated’ and yet are keen to alienate her from a person she describes as helping her to settle in and feel supported in the real world. If that’s not mixed messaging for her then I don’t know what is.

It's fairly common for parents to think that their own child is naive, quiet, and easily influenced, whilst it's just the other children who are a bit wayward.

It's usually a bit more balanced than that irl.

I’d take your 12 year old child off social media personally.
full of bad influences on there

I agree - I'm really surprised, given all the media reportage about the dangers of social media, and moves to restrict social media to over 16s (in the UK, and already in Australia and other countries), that 12 year olds are still being given access to social media (even if restricted). The research shows that it leads to precisely this kind of subtle alienation/marginalization/anxieties that are starting up here.

I think you need to focus on behaviour rather than the person. Because the object is to raise your child to understand the difference between sensible choices and those that aren't, and to have the confidence to make them, not shield her from every child you fear may influence her. The second is almost impossible really, as not only can you not control who she is drawn to, you also have no more than a snapshot of any child with which to judge who the 'good' one's are.
So rather than ban the friendship, work on the rules for your DD. Leave her in no doubt what you expect her to do (stay in the library if she's agreed to, not disrupt classes, not post certain things on SM etc) why it's important, and what the consequences are if she doesn't comply. Then keep your eye on HER behaviour.

The more you try and ban her, the more your daughter will gravitate towards her.

She was rude and refused to answer questions about the topic they were learning about. The posts on SM are pictures of self harming and really negative captions.

You should be reporting the self harming posts to the school as a safe guarding issue.

How are you seeing online classes? Surely they are not happening outside of school hours? Does the school know that you are watching?

Op, my sister had a friend like this 30 years ago. I can still hear the arguments between my mum and my darling sister. The girl in question was no good, a bad influence etc according to my mum. My sister even went away to boarding school and the girls stayed in touch. Nothing untoward happened. The girl got pregnant at 16, multiple kids different dads etc and is a single mum. I moved abroad and as they were younger didn’t really notice them but knew the friendship sent my mum into overdrive! My sister got married in our home country last year and her friend was there! In fact, the wedding cake (very fancy) was gifted by said friend who runs a cake business. Does lessons etc. I had a chat with her and really chuckled at her recount of my mother’s hysteria! I think the friendship survived just to spite mummy. I guess what I am saying she wasn’t that bad at all. Sister went on to live her life with no issues despite her chaotic friendship with a girl who turned out to be ok in the end….

Then i’d be deleting instagram if your DD refuses to delete this friend. You do not want her subjected to this kind of content.

I get why you don't want your DD being friends with this girl, but you are not going to achieve anything by telling her who she can and can't be friends with. My mum told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with one of my friends, wasn't allowed to speak to her at school, meet up with her outside school, speak to her on the phone. I did it all behind my mum's back, it didn't stop the friendship she disapproved on, it stopped me feeling able to be honest with my mum.

Edit to say to report the self harming content to the school safeguarding team.

The posts on SM are pictures of self harming and really negative captions.

Bit of a drip that, wasn't it?

See, most people would've opened with that line.

Get your “naive” and “easily influenced” child off of social media for starters…

Why is your daughter on social media at 12 years old ?

And you are still letting your daughter stay on social media after seeing these posts!? This is exactly why 12 year olds should not be on SM .

Kindly, you have to allow her more independence.

YABVU allowing her to have social media at 12.

My mum never liked my best friends, either in primary school or in high school. Looking back, I was drawn to quite dominant, opinionated, controlling types - very much like my mum! I'd just take an interest in how the friendship develops and be a sounding board. If she's as bad as you say, at some point your DD will probably be uncomfortable with something she says or does and if she tells you about it, you have an opportunity to help her reflect on the friendship and whether it's good for her. If you're controlling about it now, she'll stop telling you anything about anything.

When my dd started high school there was a similar girl, lots of swearing, talk about sex and, I found out, looking at inappropriate content online. I told my daughter what our family expectations were, the girl was allowed to our house but they had to stay in the downstairs rooms, and no swearing. I was really wanting to ban her from seeing this girl but thankfully it played out and they don’t speak to each other any more.
The first year of high school is so hard as they all adjust to the bigger group and look around for anyone who they could be friends with. Once they feel more comfortable they can start to relax and join their own circles.

Don't try to stop the friendship just be very open with your Daughter & say that if her behaviour changes or this girl is starting to influence her in a negative way things may have to change regarding coming off SM or not being allowed to go out with her on her own etc. explain you trust she makes the right choices & that you'd like to get to know this girl a bit better so invite her home sometime. It might be that your Daughter gets tired of this girl if she's trouble & it'll fizzle out naturally. At the moment it's a novelty having an outgoing, outspoken new friend so let it be for now but keep an eye on it.

So as a parent of children who are only 6 and 7 I guess it might be easy for me to say but I don’t think you can dictate who they are friends with at school. I might advise them to stay away from certain children that hit out etc but I wouldn’t try to stop them, it’s their choice. I also think the more you try to stop it the more appealing it becomes to them. You just have to trust in your child and deal with the fall out of it goes wrong I suppose. They have to learn for themselves to a certain extent.

It may be out of your hands soon as if the ban comes in - no social media for the under 16s.
Having said that, if I had said to my mother - well everyone else does it, as you have stated, she would have said, and if they all put their head in the oven, would you do it as well? I also think you are being very naive to think 'it should be safe'. It is certainly not safe. Even if you police it , they always get around things. Slippery little feckers, kids!