For not letting dd hang out with this girl

[ForSparklyOliveCat]

My 12-year-old daughter has just moved schools for high school, and I’m concerned about one of the girls in her class. My daughter is quite young for her age socially and can be naive, so she’s the type to be easily influenced.

I’ve seen this girl talk back to teachers on more than one occasion, post fairly depressing and mature things on social media, swear, and generally come across as someone who could be a bad influence.

Because of this, I’ve tried to stop my daughter from getting too close to her. I told her to unfollow the girl on social media, which she refused to do and it turned into an argument. I also wouldn’t let her stay back in the library to “study” with her, because realistically I have no way of knowing whether they would actually stay there.

The complication is that my daughter says this girl has been including her in her friend group and helping her settle into the new school. She says the girl makes her feel safe and supported in a new environment. What worries me even more is that my daughter seems to really admire her and is starting to idolise her, which I find quite concerning.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly cautious so I’d appreciate some outside perspectives.

Unbelievable that this is added so flippantly. Report to Meta, report to the school, delete your daughter’s account, and have a very serious chat to her about why and whether her friend is okay and what she should do should this happen in future.

Hope this poor girl is ok, we are really failing our children.

Pictures of self harming? I assume you have spoken to school about a child posting such images. It’s a huge safeguarding concern.

My dm tried the same in the 80s. I spent 7 years low contact with her, the friend is still my best friend 40 years later.

You can't dictate people's friends and you shouldn't try. I regarded my dm as bigoted, ignorant & narrow minded.

Don't make the same mistake over a bit of swearing & back chat.

Don't make the same mistake over a bit of swearing & back chat.

And the self-harming?

Report to the school and to the relevant social media company. Have a mature and sensible discussion with the dd, and offer support to the friend.

Surely that's obvious !

Of course it's obvious.

But you were concentrating there on the swearing and backchat only.

Completely ignoring the far more important issue.

I’m stunned that your dd hearing a friend being rude to a teacher is more important than a child sharing images of self-harm online.

She's 12 !

As someone who works with this age group, instagram cannot be monitored effectively to ensure its 'safe'. An account I use recently seemed to have been hacked and lots of porn circulated on it. There's loads of explicit, sexualised, self harm or depressive material available on Instagram and they are notoriously bad at dealing with any reports. So all of that is quite literally at your child's finger tips and you will have no clue what she's looked at, only some of what she's engaged with.

As for the other girl, I think you need to let her learn her lessons when it comes to friends. You be sure to give her an 'out'. Around this age it becomes less about controlling them/ managing them, but trusting them and trying to make sure you are creating the right encouragement for them to feel safe and able to come to you when things inevitably do go a bit wrong. Because at least if you know you can deal with it.

I'd be more concerned by social media than a depressing friend at the age of 12 OP