to think life isnt always better on your own

[FlowersAreFriends]

Aibu to feel like life hasn't got better since ex left? all i hear is women happier that their ex left and happier being a single parent and dont get me wrong im happy for them but i just feel miserable! i feel like im stuck in the past, havent moved on because have no time to date, ex doesnt see them or pay maintenance, cant work as oldest is out of school and cant be left alone, always broke because of this, dont have any family around and no friends because they are hard to make and most people seem to avoid us. I sometimes consider contacting him because life is much worse now and even find myself checking messages to see if he has contacted me (but nothing) aibu to say its not always better on your own? i find myself feeling jealous of other single mums with involved exes who get free time to themselves (although i know i shouldnt compare) but a single mum i follow is constantly on holiday because her ex has the kids so much she gets so much freedom meanwhile i feel trapped and unable to move on. i sometimes wish he would come back so i wasnt doing this alone.

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Surely compelling him to pay child maintenance is a better way of moving forward than wanting him back? I mean, if he can’t be bothered to see his children at all now, I can’t imagine him being an involved and hands-on dad? Why is one child out of school?

I think there's definitely a transition period. It's shit now, but it will get better. Lack of friends is tough but I find aiming for acquaintances is a much better starting point.

Hey @FlowersAreFriends , I think those that say they're happier are probably speaking relatively. My ex was abusive so it is much better that I didn't stay with him. It doesn't mean it's been easy though. It absolutely hasn't.

You sound like it's really tough at the moment and isolated.

Can you go through CSA for money? What's happening with your child being out of school?

It must be really hard but life changes. It won't always be how it is now.

he doesnt work. sure i could claim £7 but it wouldnt pay for anything

its been years now unfortunately not a new break up

been through cms he doesnt work.

I'm a widow after a happy marriage and am on my own. (Dds both at uni.)
I would put it in this order (for me)

Best - in a happy relationship
Second best - on own
Last - unhappy relationship

On own is some way after happy relationship.
Unhappy relationship I wouldn't touch with a barge pole having grown up with parents in an unhappy relationship. Nightmare.

im sorry for your loss 💐 he left me, i wasnt unhappy, i would never chose to be a single parent

So having an unemployed layabout who has no interest in his own children back in your life as a partner would improve it how?

yeah actually it would, i will probably just contact him tbh

Op it sounds like you need to work on your self esteem and I mean that in the nicest possible way,speak to your GP see what support is in your area,have a look online see what groups and events are in your area for an opportunity to meet up with other mums,and everyday practice telling yourself I'm a good parent a strong and capable person who doesn't need a man in my life, especially one who sounds like he won't do your self esteem and confidence much good.

i dont want mum friends

I recognise this phrase from your previous threads. Lots of helpful advice was given to you last time and you didn't want to take it,

Only you can change your life OP. Not going to waste my time writing everything I wrote last time but there are many many ways and opportunities to make life better for yourself

You're the only one that can make a positive change.

Life is harder on your own, for sure. But harder is not necessarily worse, it's not the same thing. I found a lot of things harder without the DH, but overall life was better.

It's been years, what makes you think he would want you back? He left you. Spend your efforts getting fresh help online instead of trying to make your life even worse.

he told me he still loved me a couple of years ago, should have went back when i had the chance, yes its probably too late now

Wow I’m shocked that you would think your kids would better living with a man who can’t even be bothered to see them or contribute to their upkeep!

Why don’t you start a course with open uni and learn something that can further your career prospects. How old is your son who is out of school? Can you access any child care for him?

You simply cannot rely on anyone else to make you have and fulfilled, that comes from within.
You have your children and a responsibility to make the best life possible for them and that means you have to look after you and make a life for yourself

And I say this as a single parent who is happier alone and doesn’t have lots of family etc to help

well statistically children are better off living with both parents

Not with a dad who isn't interested in seeing them and a mum who isn't interested in helping herself

If the relationship is a good one with parents who are good role models.
What role model is he for your kids? Why are you not turned off by him not seeing them and looking after them? That’s not a good Dad

nope, statistically they are better off unless abusive ofcourse nothing to do with being happy and i was happy, im unhappy now, so how are they better off with me single and unhappy?

Statistically children aren't better off with two non working parents. Unless he gets disability payments, financially you wouldn't be any better off with him.

Probably worse off when he decided to leave you and his children again.

And you don't think that you putting them with a man who doesn't care about them at all, isn't abusive? 🤦‍♀️