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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum Overstepping??

60 replies

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:00

I am feeling increasingly annoyed at my mother and don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. For many years she used to pop over to see me and have a coffee on a Sunday afternoon but stopped doing so for a couple of years due to extrememental health issues. She decided last year that she was going to restart but without consulting me. Like has changed considerably in this time - I have doubled the hours work (now about 60 a week), my son commutes to a different city for college meaning early starts and long days we have some caring responsibilities for 2 older relatives (not full-time). It is no longer convenient as it is now the busiest part of the week which I have told her repeatedly and offered Sunday morning or Saturday instead. She refuses to come at other times or will come and then still want to come Sunday afternoon. Some Sundays she will chase me for hours or message me repeatedly asking if she can come, suggesting she won't stay long, will help me with my work etc sometimes over 10 times to the point I dread Sundays. I saw her yesterday instead and when she mentioned coming over this afternoon, I explained it wouldn't be convenient, my daughter came home from uni and we have had to go to the airport and pick my son up from a school trip. I was in the process of getting a quick tea when she walked in, unannounced and without knocking. She had her own key cut when house sitting without consulting us. I am at a loss and almost don't feel like my house is my own. I feel like actually telling her she isn't welcome at all if she can't respect my boundaries and changing the lock but don't know if this would be unreasonable. My husband thinks I should tolerate it.

OP posts:
IknowwhatIneedtodo · 22/02/2026 19:03

Get that key back, pronto!

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:07

I have tried and she got another one cut before giving it back so she still uad one!

OP posts:
Barrellturn · 22/02/2026 19:09

I think I would try ignoring her when she comes in and just carrying on with the hustle and bustle.

If that doesn't reduce the visits then lock change. Just say the lock got damaged by someone but don't give her a new key.

Notquitethetruth · 22/02/2026 19:09

Change the lock. Very firm boundaries from now on and no more house sitting for her

Octavia64 · 22/02/2026 19:10

Change the lock.

or put a bolt on the door so the key is not enough

KaleidoscopeSmile · 22/02/2026 19:14

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PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 22/02/2026 19:19

You’ve tried to be firm and set boundaries, it hasn’t worked as she isn’t respecting them or you. Time to change the locks. Literally leave her out on the doorstep if she comes round despite being told no not today.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2026 19:20

Change the locks and when she comes round and starts knocking ignore her until she leaves, she'll do it twice maximum, I can't believe how rude she is being.

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 22/02/2026 19:22

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Hopefully the OP will have the self awareness to not behave like her mother does.

I really hate that people (usually women let’s face it) are expected to put up with any old shit just because the person dishing it out is related to them.

Carouseloflife · 22/02/2026 19:23

I agree with your husband.

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:41

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I would hope that I have far more respect for my children's wishes and boundaries. I have had this week off work and invited her to stay for a few days wh8ch she did. I always try to see her at least once during the week (despite working around 60 hours) and have offered almost anytime Saturday or Sunday morning as an alternative. She doesn't have commitments but has refused as it isn't what she wants.

OP posts:
Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

Carouseloflife · 22/02/2026 19:23

I agree with your husband.

Edited

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 22/02/2026 19:54

I would get the lock changed and stop actually letting her in the door if it isn’t convenient. Why is she being so antagonistic ?

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2026 19:56

Leave key in the door so she cant open it would be my first tip

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 20:10

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2026 19:56

Leave key in the door so she cant open it would be my first tip

Tried it before and she tried to force her key in.

OP posts:
suburburban · 22/02/2026 20:16

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 20:10

Tried it before and she tried to force her key in.

I think that is awful

tell her not to and she can pay to replace the lock and to give key back

hasn’t she got anything better to do
Quite shocked by her behaviour and being so controlling

90sTrifle · 22/02/2026 20:19

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:00

I am feeling increasingly annoyed at my mother and don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. For many years she used to pop over to see me and have a coffee on a Sunday afternoon but stopped doing so for a couple of years due to extrememental health issues. She decided last year that she was going to restart but without consulting me. Like has changed considerably in this time - I have doubled the hours work (now about 60 a week), my son commutes to a different city for college meaning early starts and long days we have some caring responsibilities for 2 older relatives (not full-time). It is no longer convenient as it is now the busiest part of the week which I have told her repeatedly and offered Sunday morning or Saturday instead. She refuses to come at other times or will come and then still want to come Sunday afternoon. Some Sundays she will chase me for hours or message me repeatedly asking if she can come, suggesting she won't stay long, will help me with my work etc sometimes over 10 times to the point I dread Sundays. I saw her yesterday instead and when she mentioned coming over this afternoon, I explained it wouldn't be convenient, my daughter came home from uni and we have had to go to the airport and pick my son up from a school trip. I was in the process of getting a quick tea when she walked in, unannounced and without knocking. She had her own key cut when house sitting without consulting us. I am at a loss and almost don't feel like my house is my own. I feel like actually telling her she isn't welcome at all if she can't respect my boundaries and changing the lock but don't know if this would be unreasonable. My husband thinks I should tolerate it.

Give her some jobs to do whilst there. She’ll either like it and become helpful or hate and stop visiting. Easy!

jackstini · 22/02/2026 20:19

That would really annoy me

You have given her alternatives and she is still pushing for what she wants over what you can manage

Agree with others - change locks or add bolt!

90sTrifle · 22/02/2026 20:21

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

Carry on with your plans, switch the TV on and tell her you’ll be back asap.

DeQuin · 22/02/2026 20:24

How old is your mum? This is not going to get better. Change the locks, and go out.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 20:24

I think you have to be very firm and say Mum we can see you on Saturday but Sunday no longer works for us and if she turns up, don't accommodate her. And I would change the locks and tell that that you have and why. It's outrageous that she thinks she can just walk into your house!

LindorDoubleChoc · 22/02/2026 20:25

Is she very old? Aren't you concerned that there is some cognitive decline there? If you've told her repeatedly, why doesn't she understand?

I don't think your dh gets a say in this frankly.

Legolaslady · 22/02/2026 20:25

Change locks asap
Is she still receiving help for mental health issues? Is there someone who knows her that you could call and speak to her about this... She doesn't sound rational

Carousella · 22/02/2026 20:27

Could you appear without warning at her house on Sunday morning then tell her you’ll be out all afternoon? Make sure you are not at home in case she tries it on. Repeat.

Cocktailsandcheese · 22/02/2026 20:36

Surely getting a key cut without your knowledge/permission and then using it to enter your house is a crime? Breaking and entering? That's really quite serious even though I'm sure she would just try to minimise it. I would change the locks asap and have a very stern word with her. Nevermind what your husband thinks.