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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum Overstepping??

60 replies

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:00

I am feeling increasingly annoyed at my mother and don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. For many years she used to pop over to see me and have a coffee on a Sunday afternoon but stopped doing so for a couple of years due to extrememental health issues. She decided last year that she was going to restart but without consulting me. Like has changed considerably in this time - I have doubled the hours work (now about 60 a week), my son commutes to a different city for college meaning early starts and long days we have some caring responsibilities for 2 older relatives (not full-time). It is no longer convenient as it is now the busiest part of the week which I have told her repeatedly and offered Sunday morning or Saturday instead. She refuses to come at other times or will come and then still want to come Sunday afternoon. Some Sundays she will chase me for hours or message me repeatedly asking if she can come, suggesting she won't stay long, will help me with my work etc sometimes over 10 times to the point I dread Sundays. I saw her yesterday instead and when she mentioned coming over this afternoon, I explained it wouldn't be convenient, my daughter came home from uni and we have had to go to the airport and pick my son up from a school trip. I was in the process of getting a quick tea when she walked in, unannounced and without knocking. She had her own key cut when house sitting without consulting us. I am at a loss and almost don't feel like my house is my own. I feel like actually telling her she isn't welcome at all if she can't respect my boundaries and changing the lock but don't know if this would be unreasonable. My husband thinks I should tolerate it.

OP posts:
MoonWoman69 · 24/02/2026 07:48

I don't think there is any other alternative than to change the locks. If she was smart and sneaky enough to go get a key cut in the first place, she probably will have had more than one done!
Why on earth does your husband think you should tolerate this?! My husband would not stand for this type of behaviour at all!
When I was a child, my maternal grandmother was the same. Thankfully she didn't have a key, She only lived a ten minute walk away, but she would be stood outside waiting, when we got up on a morning and then outstay her welcome. Nothing to do with loneliness, or lack of friends, she had plenty of those and lots to occupy her. It was all about control and demands. It took me years to realise that she was a narcissist. It felt like our house and privacy weren't our own. (Just me and mum after dad divorced, there's no way he'd have put up with that either!)

MayaPinion · 24/02/2026 11:23

Just leave her in the house and go on with your day. She is looking for a reaction - any attention is attention and that’s how she’s getting her kicks - trampling over your boundaries (getting a key cut when you know the other person doesn’t want you to have a key is outrageous behaviour). When she comes in just let her sit there on her own (assuming she isn’t going to go through your drawers or eat all your food or something) while you go to the airport, do a shop, take your kids out, etc. Don’t be in on a Sunday afternoon for a few weeks. Or change the locks. It’s easy to do yourself, though you’ll still have the showdown.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 24/02/2026 11:27

As a side tip, if your front and back doors are of the same lock type just swap the barrels and tell her you have changed the locks...worked for me without having to pay out (did have to get an extra back door now front door key) as she wont think about checking that. 😁

gallivantsaregood · 24/02/2026 11:36

I think it's time to stop being so nice to her. Tell her categorically that you will not tolerate her just turning up, trying to dictate the time you spend with her. Tell her if she turns up and it's not been pre-arranged, you will simply send her home (not take her home). She needs to feel negative consequences of her very selfish, intrusive behaviours. Also, change the locks, today!

NoYourNameChanged · 24/02/2026 11:40

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2026 21:50

Stop changing your plans. Leave her there alone to go to the airport. Leave to feed the elderly relative. I'd be annoyed about the key, too, but definitely don't pander to her by changing your plans. She can let herself in to an empty house if she wants to.

This!! Also change the locks but seriously, why are you pandering to this absolute nonsense?! It’s not like you’ve not seen her recently, she’s just taking the piss. It’s very rude to impose yourself when you’ve been told a time/day doesn’t suit.

Givingmytwocents · 24/02/2026 14:29

I think you should give her the choice of staying in the house alone, when she comes over uninvited, or coming with you when you have stuff to do, i.e. feeding your 93 year old Mother in Law - however she can come in the car but not into the lady's house as it would be too much of an imposition. If you keep changing your plans to accommodate her - like not going with your husband to collect your son, then you are letting her set the rules. Also if she starts coming with you (and your husband) he might end up changing his mind about tolerating her.

toomuchfaff · 24/02/2026 14:36

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

Why are you changing your plans when she does turn up?

Thats one thing I wouldnt be doing; ah nice to see you, i'm about to nip out to the airport, I did say...

Good to see you, I have to go feed my 93yr old relative, wouldnt want her waiting for dinner, back soon!

If she moans "im only here an hour" - well I tried to tell you, i'm not letting Nelllie starve, you'll have to wait.

Dont change your plans; you have stuff to do; do it.

REP22 · 24/02/2026 14:51

Definitely change the locks ASAP. And don't leave her in the house alone - she will be going through your things. This is a form of abuse and, as others have said, will get worse. You need to stop this now, before the day comes when she lets herself in and tells you she's moving in to live with you.

You have asked her kindly not to do this - she is continuing, repeatedly. You are not a child who must obey. You deserve to have your home, your life and your time respected. She is demonstrating that your views mean nothing to her. I'd be on to the locksmiths right now.

Good luck. Wishing you happier times ahead.

Comtesse · 24/02/2026 14:52

Change the locks. She’s gone too far.

NavyTurtle · 10/03/2026 11:22

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:07

I have tried and she got another one cut before giving it back so she still uad one!

Change the locks

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