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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum Overstepping??

60 replies

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:00

I am feeling increasingly annoyed at my mother and don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. For many years she used to pop over to see me and have a coffee on a Sunday afternoon but stopped doing so for a couple of years due to extrememental health issues. She decided last year that she was going to restart but without consulting me. Like has changed considerably in this time - I have doubled the hours work (now about 60 a week), my son commutes to a different city for college meaning early starts and long days we have some caring responsibilities for 2 older relatives (not full-time). It is no longer convenient as it is now the busiest part of the week which I have told her repeatedly and offered Sunday morning or Saturday instead. She refuses to come at other times or will come and then still want to come Sunday afternoon. Some Sundays she will chase me for hours or message me repeatedly asking if she can come, suggesting she won't stay long, will help me with my work etc sometimes over 10 times to the point I dread Sundays. I saw her yesterday instead and when she mentioned coming over this afternoon, I explained it wouldn't be convenient, my daughter came home from uni and we have had to go to the airport and pick my son up from a school trip. I was in the process of getting a quick tea when she walked in, unannounced and without knocking. She had her own key cut when house sitting without consulting us. I am at a loss and almost don't feel like my house is my own. I feel like actually telling her she isn't welcome at all if she can't respect my boundaries and changing the lock but don't know if this would be unreasonable. My husband thinks I should tolerate it.

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeSmile · 22/02/2026 20:38

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 22/02/2026 19:22

Hopefully the OP will have the self awareness to not behave like her mother does.

I really hate that people (usually women let’s face it) are expected to put up with any old shit just because the person dishing it out is related to them.

I really hate that women (usually women let's face it) slag their mothers off on the internet and invite strangers to do the same.

And good luck with the self-awareness thing because in however many years time, her kids will find something to criticise her parenting about because whatever she does now will no longer be acceptable in whatever the latest puritanical standards of the time are.

Pearlstillsinging · 22/02/2026 20:42

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

And there is your problem! Stop accommodating her, tell her, sorry you are just leaving for the airport or whatever you are doing. "What a shame you didn't come yesterday, as I suggested, I was at home then", while ushering her out.

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 20:57

LindorDoubleChoc · 22/02/2026 20:25

Is she very old? Aren't you concerned that there is some cognitive decline there? If you've told her repeatedly, why doesn't she understand?

I don't think your dh gets a say in this frankly.

She is 71 and unfortunately always been like this. There have been numerous falling out with me and my siblings about similar behaviour.

OP posts:
Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 21:01

KaleidoscopeSmile · 22/02/2026 20:38

I really hate that women (usually women let's face it) slag their mothers off on the internet and invite strangers to do the same.

And good luck with the self-awareness thing because in however many years time, her kids will find something to criticise her parenting about because whatever she does now will no longer be acceptable in whatever the latest puritanical standards of the time are.

I am sure I will do things to frustrate my children too but I also hope if I am asked something I would respect that. I also can't remember any point in time whereby walking into someone else's home when you have asked specifically not to would have been seen as acceptable.

OP posts:
Legolaslady · 22/02/2026 21:03

How far away does she live?

Harrietsaunt · 22/02/2026 21:05

Change the locks. She’s a bully!

Devon1987 · 22/02/2026 21:06

Fuck that. Change the locks. She doesn’t give shit about your boundaries and shows a complete lack of respect for you. Tell her straight you are changing the locks as she refuses to listen. You are doing 60 hour weeks, you do not need the extra stress. Your husband should be supporting you, he sounds like a wet lettuce.

Miranda65 · 22/02/2026 21:09

Change the lock!

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 21:11

Legolaslady · 22/02/2026 21:03

How far away does she live?

About a 10 min drive.

OP posts:
DoneWithMIL · 22/02/2026 21:19

Change the locks and set boundaries - she can visit when it's convenient for you. You have a right to decide who visits your house and when. End of story.

My husband thinks I should tolerate it I have a people pleaser for a husband as well. It means people, especially family can just disregard your wants and boundaries - no thanks

TheAutumnCrow · 22/02/2026 21:28

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 21:11

About a 10 min drive.

Does she drive through red lights? In bus lanes? Over roundabouts? Up one way streets?

If not, she can follow instructions and that includes yours too, specifically not to invade your space on Sunday afternoons.

Owly11 · 22/02/2026 21:34

Change the locks, expensive but worth it. And never ever give her another key.

DeathStare · 22/02/2026 21:50

OP, I don't mean to sound harsh but this one has a very simple solution. Change the locks, and if she turns up when it isn't convenient don't let her in - just get on with your plans.

In the nicest possible way you are being a martyr- I can't believe you accommodated your mum's unreasonableness, over collecting your child after a trip away or feeding your elderly MIL. Get a back bone!

Mossstitch · 22/02/2026 22:37

I don't see why you should have the expense of changing the locks, I would demand she returns the key...........if you think that won't work leave your key in the door then when you hear her put her key in the other side whip the door open and take it before she can😜

NoPaintedPony · 23/02/2026 18:30

Unfortunately you will always get the ‘but she’s your mother’ brigade piping up. Whatever the relationship there should always be respect.
Just because your mother enjoys how her coffee with you fits into her weekend, it doesn’t mean she should be able to railroad your plans. Nor should she do the same to every other person in your life.
If you let this continue it is going to get worse and she will ruin all of the relationships in the family.
Set boundaries. Change locks. Don’t change plans to accommodate her selfish needs.

TwistedSpout · 23/02/2026 18:32

Change the locks. Zero guilt. You have tried so hard and she is ignoring you. Your home is your safe space and she does not have priority over your sanity and peace of mind.

TwistedSpout · 23/02/2026 18:33

And perhaps a safety chain if lock changing too much at the moment? So she can't get in.

UpToonGirl · 23/02/2026 18:39

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

What would happen if you did just leave her there to run your errands? It must have been frustrating to sit there and converse with her if you had so many other things to be getting on with!

SandyY2K · 23/02/2026 18:45

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:07

I have tried and she got another one cut before giving it back so she still uad one!

Change the locks.

MidLifeMayhem · 23/02/2026 18:57

Yip, I would change the locks and not respond.

Clara27 · 23/02/2026 19:00

So maybe you could go out and let your husband “tolerate” it, see how long it takes him to change his tune!!

On a serious note, tell her she must return your key and if she won’t, tell her you’re changing the locks. Then introduce boundaries which must be firmly communicated to your mother, including the consequences of her not respecting them. So let her know her behaviour is unacceptable and the next time she arrives when you have told her not to, she will not be allowed in to your house. The key here is that you must enforce this each and every time. From what you’ve described, your mother sounds quite domineering so you may find this difficult to do and you will very likely get pushback from her and made to feel unreasonable/selfish/rude etc etc. but you are not. Unfortunately your husband is reinforcing your mother’s behaviour rather than supporting you, and you are doubting whether you deserve to be respected. Think also about the message your kids are getting from all of this. Good luck, you can do this 🤗

user1485851222 · 23/02/2026 19:11

Hold your hand out until she puts YOUR key in it. Tell her she is overstepping and she needs to respect your boundaries for you & your family. Tell her Sundays aren't always convenient & you will invite her (with notice) on when it's convenient for her to come round to visit, this may not be weekly. It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you have your own life & family to consider. If she doesn't like it, stay strong.

somanychristmaslights · 23/02/2026 19:49

Bumblebee0918 · 22/02/2026 19:49

The time she turned up today meant that I couldn't go with my husband to pick my son up from the airport unless I had left her in the house and left. It has also meant going to feed my 93 year old mother in law an hour late when my husband was away. I tolerate it often and have repeated offered numerous alternatives and she doesn't have other commitments. She has refused them on the basis that she 'enjoys Sunday afternoons' despite knowing I have to change plans a number of times to accommodate her.

Of course you could go. If you’ve told her no and then she turns up anyway, just carry on doing whatever you were doing. Don’t be at her beck and call all the time. And if she complains, tell her well I told you not to come over as I was busy.

illbetheresunorrain · 23/02/2026 19:54

how is she overstepping though? Taking over from you cleaning for you, looking after the other two older relatives and they are??

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2026 21:50

Stop changing your plans. Leave her there alone to go to the airport. Leave to feed the elderly relative. I'd be annoyed about the key, too, but definitely don't pander to her by changing your plans. She can let herself in to an empty house if she wants to.