To keep trying to reach out when someone has cut me off

[sillistudi]

Close family member has given me silent treatment since we had a row a few months back. I’ve honestly appraised situation & left msgs apologising for my part in it.. but they are refusing to engage with me. Without going into all the details just want a sanity check that im not stupid for keep reaching out. Not every day/ week but every few weeks just to show I’m ready to resolve this when he is. Would you do the same or just back right off?

Back off. You’ve tried to make contact and they don’t wish to respond. Respect their position. They know where you are should they change their mind.

I think you need to send one last message saying something along the lines of my door is always open but I'll stop messaging now to give you space so ball is in your court if and when you want to talk.

Its not fair to keep trying with them if they are not ready and may not be welcoming the messages from you

Once is enough. You have tried. What happens next depends upon them wanting to meet you half way.

Leave it. You tried to contact them and you had no response. That is your answer.

Surely you just send one message saying 'im ready to talk whenever you are, so please reach out anytime' and then leave it - why have you kept messaging?

Wrong to keep messaging when they don’t want to speak to you.

Well they haven’t explicitly said they don’t want to talk to me - just the silent treatment which I guess is a power play in itself. I’m more of a ‘have it out, clear the air & resolve’ person so can’t get my head round how you just ghost someone. But I accept there silence is my answer. I’m sad but I’ll back off.

It looks a bit harrassy to keep contacting them, it’s like you’ll keep going until they change their mind, pressuring them rather than respecting their decision. Just leave it and see what happens in time

They’ve probably blocked your messages. Back off, dhs sister keeps trying to message him to sort things he point blank refuses to have anything more to do with her and she hasn’t got the hint.

What makes you think it's a "power play" on their part? Sometimes people have just had enough and take whatever action they can to get others to back off and leave them alone. You say you are ready to resolve this when he is yet keep on contacting him....take the hint, he's not ready and may never will be.

Just move on, I have a family member that won’t accept I don’t want to talk to them anymore and it’s been 5 years! It’s not “the silent treatment” or “power play” to not want anything to do with you anymore

Being on the receiving end of someone persistently contacting you when you have chosen to cut them off feels like harrassment - you think being silent is a power play by them, it’s not, it’s protection. But continuously contacting the person IS a power play - you are overstepping their boundaries and on the receiving end it feels very controlling.
Im NC with family and when they harassed me it solidified the fact that I had made the right choice going NC.
You can’t force somebody to speak to you. It’s suffocating when somebody won’t leave you alone.

Yes you do need to back off. Their silence is telling you they want no contact. It would be easier if they had articulated this so you knew it was a cooling period/break or clean break but they haven’t so now you need to respect their wishes. They know where you are if they want to rekindle the relationship.

You need to respect their boundaries and leave them to it.

But they are explicitly telling by their silence! Do you need to them to say out loud ‘I’m not speaking to you?’

I’m of the mind that if you need to cut someone close out of your life, you have the decency to tell them.. & give them the reason why too. Just having a row with someone & flouncing off appears emotionally immature to me. I don’t think it’s controlling to try to resolve conflict, but guess everyone is different. Thanks for explaining it from this perspective.

If you have had a row with them then surely the reason they cut you off was within the contents of their side of the row?

@LeavesTreeswell yes, but it was a pretty level playing field & I had as much reason to go silent & cut off as they did. Weighing up content of the row vs relationship history I just find it bizarre not to attempt to resolve & move on. Anyway, that’s in the detail, the answer to my question seems firmly to be, back off & let them go. Which I shall.

Update: my brother contacted me after I sent a message accepting his choice & saying I’d always be there if he wanted to move past this. He called and told me his resentment was against something bigger that had happened in the family, 15 years ago. Something I thought the dust had settled on & he’s had a perfectly fine relationship with me since. He pretty much issued me an ultimatum around this which would fragment our family further to what it already is. Our mum is dying right now so I can’t do that. I am sad and angry he feels now is the time to release that resentment & I get perhaps it’s coming from a place of pain around mum, but the hurt this is causing me is unforgivable - I’m in deep anticipatory grief and now feel I’ve lost my brother & the last 15 years have been on a fake foundation bubbling with resentment. It’s so hurtful & to me seems like classic deflection from accepting his part in the original disagreement - but again my head is spinning so would appreciate a sanity check on the facts as i present them. I’m mindful this is only a fraction of the story I can share here but the facts are I respectfully called him out on one thing, it escalated to a row, he went off silent for months before returning and saying his issue is about something else entirely & he now doesn’t think he can get past that thing…I feel he’s punishing me at the lowest time in my life & I’m now grieving my brother. One important background fact, I have a much stronger relationship with mum than he does… thoughts & advice to come to terms with this would be much appreciated x

We need to know what the thing was that happened fifteen years ago - it's an over-reaction to you forgetting his birthday, but not to you drunkenly burning down his house ...

There's nothing you can do but accept his choice to have no contact with you.

Whether you think he's right or wrong is irrelevant

You can't force people to do what you want or be who you want

You can only choose for yourself

He will be going through turmoil too. Just let him be. It is not all about you.

The reality is that I don’t feel able to advise you because we don’t know the situation 15 years ago, over which your brother feels so much resentment, nor the details of your most recent disagreement. You (and we) also don’t know why he chose not to address the issue he has had over the last 15 years- it could be due to dysfunctional family dynamics, pressure from your mother/parents, or just because he is prone to holding grudges (or a combination of these). I’m not asking for the details, but all of these things make it hard to know whether he is justified/reasonable in his stance or not. I find it a bit odd that you need to point out how much closer you are to your mother than your brother is, though- how is it relevant to your falling out?

Either way, you now understand his reasons- you clearly don’t agree with his position and have made it clear you are not going to be able to do what he feels he needs to re-establish your relationship- which is entirely your decision to make. Again, no-one can advise you whether one of you is more unreasonable than the other, or indeed, if both are equally responsible as we don’t know what happened.

That said, he does not owe you a relationship/to continue a pretence because your mother is terminally ill. If he made his position clear after her death, that would be an equally difficult thing for you. You just have to accept how he feels and focus on your mother for now.

Well, you pushed it and wanted an answer. You got one.

Seems to keep he was wanting space because he didn't feel it was the right time to bring up the bigger problem, you pushed until you got it out of him, don't like what you've heard, and now you're playing the manipulated victim.

In your shoes, I'd acknowledge what he said, say you will think and reflect on it and in the meantime would like to jointly focus on your mum's declining health.

Amd actually really reflect on how he feels from his perspective, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Wow. Ok. Thanks everyone for the perspective. I’m hurting now so it’s hard to hear.