To keep trying to reach out when someone has cut me off

[sillistudi]

Close family member has given me silent treatment since we had a row a few months back. I’ve honestly appraised situation & left msgs apologising for my part in it.. but they are refusing to engage with me. Without going into all the details just want a sanity check that im not stupid for keep reaching out. Not every day/ week but every few weeks just to show I’m ready to resolve this when he is. Would you do the same or just back right off?

Seems to keep he was wanting space because he didn't feel it was the right time to bring up the bigger problem, you pushed until you got it out of him, don't like what you've heard, and now you're playing the manipulated victim.
this, if your dm and failing health has triggered this, I may be wrong but sounds a possible issue where she has favoured you an he’s “kept the peace” because he’s been forced/told to? And this has brought it all back?

My brother did this to me about a year or so ago (even changed his mobile number) I didn't do anything wrong - as far as I'm concerned if someone can cut a family member off then it really speaks volumes. He has since cut the rest of the family off now!!

@sillistudi This happened to me with a sister too. I’ve not bothered to get in touch. I think some people build up so much resentment it’s impossible to shift their position. Her and other dsis have each other but have excluded me and my dc.

Having said that, I’m not really sure what did happen in our family because it’s not just dsis, it’s their dc too and they have all cut contact with my adult dc. My dc have no idea why. None. One of my dc is getting married and one dsis has moved and we don’t know where they are or their adult dc. My dc isn’t inviting any of them to the wedding and feels hurt. She had no messages of congratulations on her engagement announcement. She’s a lovely person with many many friends, so relatives doing this is completely bizarre. We think cousins have been brainwashed!

I spent years living quite near our mother with sisters living much further away so they did nothing. I did say that wasn’t acceptable after DM had various stats in hospital and needed care, but when one Dsis didn’t visit for 6 years, I did feel I should say something. The other one resented being asked to visit. Not do anything, just visit and talk to me about what we did next. Nothing. No idea why they behaved like this but we think the one who didn’t come for 6 years was controlled by ex partner. No idea though. Her partner died and she then visited!

They seem to resent that we are better off than them - so thinks DH. However we have all decided we are not chasing any of them. Therefore I’ve not much constructive advice for you I’m afraid. However people seem to find things they don’t like and decide you are not worth their time. They seem to live in an offended bubble and even extend that to people who have been nothing but kind and welcoming - my dc. So we will continue life without them.

Why do people always assume the person asking for no contact is in the wrong?

I think it's likely that, following your recent argument, your brother has looked back over your relationship and realised he's not ok with what happened in the past.

With your mum's failing health on top of that, he feels he can't paper over the cracks anymore.

That's not him attacking you at your lowest, it's him - also at his lowest -realising he doesn't have a healthy relationship with his sister either. That there is unresolved pain and hurt he can't move past right now.

It doesn't make the last 15 years a lie.

You need to look at his perspective and not just your own.

As PP it’s not about you. He has his own grief, his own memories and boundaries, his own reconciliations to make with the past. It doesn’t sound like something either of you will compromise on or can solve at the moment. So leave it to have his space. You shouldn’t be sending messages when he is clear with you he doesn’t want to connect. Including ‘I will leave you alone’ messages. You’re making the situation worse.

Well in my case there’s no explicit asking for no contact, just the implicit threat of it if I don’t conform to their ultimatum - and it all initiated from me pointing out their (very separate) actions & behaviours had upset me. I totally get that all this deep inner resentment has boiled over at this particular time and can only accept it I guess.

I didn’t leave ‘I will leave you alone’ messages. He went silent after a row. I sent a couple of apologies over a period of time that were ignored. I’m of the mind that’s what you do if you want to repair a relationship?

That sounds really tough at a difficult time. I feel for you, and it does sound like really awful timing on your brother’s part. Hugs to you

Unfortunately you pushed him for a reason and now don't like that reason.
You don't get to control how other people feel or act.
Clearly it's a hard time within the family, but tying yourself up on knots about the situation isn't going to change anything, other than winding you up more. Just leave him be.

Yes this has happened in our family too. It’s devastating and makes no sense.

Pp who asked why people who go NC are seen as in the wrong - I’m afraid I would switch that, as the feeling on these boards is often that the family they have left hanging must be in the wrong, and that is really not always the case.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP and Remmy.

If somone kept on harassing me and wouldn't take no for answer I would tell them I would call the police take a hint and work on yourself so you can move on enough has to be enough

Dont be ridiculous. A couple of messages of apology over a period of months is not harassing.

Just leave him be. I am NC with my mum. It initially resulted from a very recent thing she did (plus years of similarly flouncing off for months when she didn’t get her way, she once even moved house and never told me for a year, we don’t live geographically close enough for casual visits, I found out randomly from a friend that she lived about 2 hours from her previous house during one of her flounces 🤷🏻‍♀️).

But the reason we are actually NC is to do with a lifetime of dysfunctional behaviour. Sometimes crisis points in life (your mum’s ill health) re-open old wounds or shine a light on longstanding behaviour patterns that aren’t healthy. It’s okay for your brother to not want a relationship with you. He has agency over his life and who he wants in it.

But stop poking at him. The worst thing my mum does is to keep bloody contacting me to tell me the thing I am upset about isn’t a big deal and I shouldn’t be upset about it and I don’t have a right to feel my own feelings and when am I going to stop being so melodramatic. Literally 6 years of it. Nothing makes me feel more certain that being NC was the right decision!

I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time right now. Your mothers health battles will obviously be hard to go through, and of course you’d prefer to go through this with your DB by your side.

i think that I’m quite similar to you in character, in that I respond to difficulties with emotion and wanting to talk it out. My sister is different and would prefer to address he practicalities rather than (in her words) wallow in emotion.

neither approach are right or wrong. But it’s so important to respect each others approach and not judge them for it.

you express that the hurt you are feeling is unforgivable. I know you are dealing with an awful lot at the moment, but try not to feel so black and white on this matter. From my own experience, talking in such an emotional manner can come across as manipulative and self centred.

Your brother has his own opinions, feelings and experiences which matter too. The two of you obviously can’t be on the same page at the moment, but I hope you are able to work on your relationship when the time is right for you both.

I think he is just deflecting as he won’t accept any responsibility for his part. I think some men do find it hard to take any criticism/ feedback (IME).

So there’s not much you can do. I think it is shitty of him to issue the ultimatum - that just sounds quite childish to me.

I wouldn’t engage with it tbh. He obviously doesn’t really care to resolve any issue with you.

It doesn't matter what you think should happen though OP. The silence is a message in itself.

'power play' 🤔

You sound quite forthright OP and you clearly struggle to accept that other people think and behave differently to you.

You don't have to answer, but are you the golden child and is your brother the scapegoat?

For future reference, it actually is harassment to keep sending messages if the person does not want to receive them.

But he doesn’t want a relationship?

I also think he is deflecting his own part and has now escalated it to making a controlling demand that you distance yourself from your mother?

In your place I would not contact him further.
See out this sad period with your mother and let the future take care of itself.

Lower your expectations of your brother and if you can use this time to detach.

He needs to sort himself out but probably won't.

Don't allow yourself to become his whipping boy to his feelings of being hard done by your mother.

Respect his wish for no further contact and let him crack on.

@sillistudi

All I’m hearing from your replies is how you feel and what you want, there’s no consideration of how your brother feels and how things that have happened have affected him.

Unless we know what happened 15 years ago it’s hard to say who’s being unreasonable etc but in any situation no matter who’s right or wrong, everybody is entitled to their feelings and boundaries.

Yes you may be hurt but it’s clear your brother is too.

I agree with all of this.

The fact you say you are closer to your mother than your brother and expect him to do exactly what you want smacks of the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

There is no sense in any of your posts OP that your brother might be hurting and that the pain must be strong for him to need to go NC. The fact that he has tolerated you all and fallen in line when he has pain inside him that dates back 15 years ago is just dismissed by you with you feel wronged because he was being fake speaks volumes.

You clearly don’t care much about your brothers feelings, or him at all. I don’t understand why you want to have contact with him when you only care about how his lack of contact makes you feel and not even slightly about how he feels. He’s a person too. It’s not just all about you and your mother.

Stop hinting then, and just communicate directly that he doesn’t want to talk to her? Hints are stupid.

Stop chasing it.

@EvangelineTheNightStar Because they do not express what the issue is. They just go surly and silent. We cannot be bothered with it. Some people don’t have much in common - so be it.