To keep trying to reach out when someone has cut me off

[sillistudi]

Close family member has given me silent treatment since we had a row a few months back. I’ve honestly appraised situation & left msgs apologising for my part in it.. but they are refusing to engage with me. Without going into all the details just want a sanity check that im not stupid for keep reaching out. Not every day/ week but every few weeks just to show I’m ready to resolve this when he is. Would you do the same or just back right off?

@LeavesTrees You are really talking about jealousy though. One person does a lot for DM and builds a relationship. The other clears off, doesn’t bother at all and then takes offence at the one who did more. It’s perverse and they could try a bit more! Except they like their position of playing the victim. If I wax the op I’d give up. There’s better people in your life. My friends who have known my family for decades cannot believe that we have been cut off. But they are not jealous people.

Sorry OP but consider this response.

He doesn't owe you a relationship, especially if it causes him pain.

Give some thought to whatever happened fifteen years ago as it's obviously still causing him hurt.

I find it so strange that the people who say they “are the type who want to talk it out” so often mean they want to put their side across and hear agreement from the other side and will keep putting their side across until they get that agreement. If you truly cared about talking it out as a form of problem solving you would listen to your brother’s thoughts and feelings and reflect. He’s gone silent because there’s no point talking to someone who just wants to impose their point of view on everyone else.

I think I’m struggling with the timing of it all. But I hear what you’re saying. I am the golden child & he is the scapegoat indeed. I didn’t ask for those roles - our actions over the years have led to them. I have always been aware of them & tried to be mindful how hard it must be to be my brother in our family. I’ve listened to hours of grudges over the years and stayed diplomatic. The situation is way more complex than I can explain on here & Im grateful to hear from others who clearly are on that side of the fence in response to my post. I will take it all on board & move on. Devastated its come to this but respectful that I can’t control others views and feelings. Thanks everybody.

Just skimmed and don't often post on general AIBUs, but my heart went out to you, OP. My family - my generation, at least - just doesn't "do" estrangement, and if it happened, I think I'd struggle to bear it. Remember that no one here knows exactly what happened between you in the past or your personalities - what we do know is that you have the potential to be a close family, or at least to muddle on together. In this context, I think that while people are right in saying to step back, I wouldn't give up entirely. I think I'd protect myself by setting reminders in my calendar for when to reach out - at longer gaps than currently and when an opportunity presents itself (Christmas etc.) - and between those reminders, try to put it out of my mind. Then, whenever they come up, I'd do a little something that doesn't pressure them, but simply sends the message, "I'm still here should you want me, and always will be. I expect nothing from you if you don't want to give it, but just wanted you to know that." Not those actual words - they'd come over a bit heavy! - but the sense of them.

@sillistudiI also think people make their own decisions in life and to a great extent their own luck. I wanted a better life and tried to get it. Others wanted fun university years and not much full time work so they didn’t achieve much at work or much money. However that’s their choice, and highly educated people really can make these decisions and then look around at others and label them as better off southern over paid “toffs” and not worth knowing. Politics becomes the politics of envy but they were dealt a good set of cards. They just decided not to do much with them. Your db has probably done the same.

Do you think the situation 15 years ago was serious enough to warrant resentment still today? Because it sounds to me like he's had enough of his feelings being swept away in favour of yours.

Your feelings are hurt, but him protecting his feelings is a power play.

You've decided you want to reconcile, he's immature and unreasonable for laying out his boundaries for that.

Even surrounding your mum's health, you made a point of telling us that you think this is worse for you than for him.

Your brother isn't a bit part to your main role.

Wow. What a load of judgmental nonsense!

Agree....

Its totally unclear whether its something like
...

He disclosed ypur parents beat him amd locked him under the stairs / there was SA and you all decided you "didnt want to take sides"

Vs

He found a discount sticker on his xmas present and was pissed you bought it in the sale and is clinging to this 15 yrs on

I suspect that the reluctance to say either way points to it being something serious.

If it's a parent, then consider that they are being abusive. It's a show of power because you won't fall into line.

Why would somebody be jealous because their sibling does more? That makes no sense - if there was jealousy in this scenario that you suggest, the sibling that has to do everything would be jealous of the one who does nothing!

People often get cut cut off IME because the people who are cut off are bullies, spiteful, cruel or are just unlikeable.

Ive never known what I would consider a functional family experience this sort of situation. If people were nice to be around there would be no reason whatsoever to cut them off. And people wouldn’t be on here complaining they were cut off if the person doing the cutting off was the horrible person in the scenario, they would be glad!

Ah I see it's your brother. Sorry you're going through all this.

the hurt this is causing me is unforgivable

Surely in that case you yourself are saying the relationship is over? What would you want him to do now, ideally?

Then your mother has created this rift with you and your brother deliberately by favouring you your whole life.
Being the scapegoat in a family is extremely painful.
You've had it easy being the golden child. What you are feeling now (the rejection) is what your brother will have felt his entire life being scapegoated. You should think about how you would have felt if your roles had been reversed.

@LeavesTreesi think that’s what I was saying in my post.. I have tried to put myself in his shoes - I didn’t choose this role & his behaviours over the years are why he has found himself as not necessarily scapegoat, but admittedly not the golden child. I don’t appreciate you criticising my mother though when I’ve explained she’s currently dying. The situation is very historic & complex - of course there are many sides to every situation. I agree with everyone who says to just step back. I know I’ve not behaved badly and his actions are coming from a place of deep hurt which I can’t be the one to heal.

I would add to this, bearing in mind OP's recent comments, that the golden child is not the golden child because they 'made better choices' and the scapegoat isn't assigned their role because they 'made bad choices'. Both are damaged by the splitting and neither role is helpful. It's just harder to give up the payoffs of being the golden child whereas there are few, if any benefits to being the scapegoat.

You said you listened to his grudges and stayed diplomatic. Calling them grudges implies you think he’s in the wrong. Golden children/parents in this sort of toxic family dynamic always accuse the scapegoat of holding “grudges” - because it pushes the accountability for the mess within the family onto the scapegoat rather than the parent who created the dynamic in the first place.

“Staying diplomatic” means sitting on the fence because it makes life easier for you.

I appreciate this is very hard to hear because as the golden child it’s easy to stick your head in the sand, but it’s no harder than your brothers lived reality.

@sillistudi- you have triggered a whole MN obsession with your use of golden child/scapegoat. When you say you are the golden child and he is the scapegoat, do you actually mean that? Or do you mean something else?

When you say that, you are saying your mother is a very toxic person, a narcissist, and that your brother has been wildly unfairly treated at every stage, blamed and ostracised with your collusion, and that you are treated preferentially by your mother. To the point of serious psychological harm to you both. You may have meant that, or you just may have meant something else, but this entire thread will now be about how toxic your mother is and how awful you are for allowing the abuse of your brother.

It’s a MN obsession, but may not be your situation - if it does actually represent your family dynamics, then probably your brother has a great deal of healing to do, as do you.

https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat-dynamic-bb07cfafc42e

Oh OP, this is so difficult and painful when you throw the golden child/scapegoat dynamic in.

For your brother the pain will run very deep and with your mother dying the sad realisation that it cannot be fixed.

I think if you have not been on that side of the fence it is really difficult to comprehend, even with the best will in the world.

I think focus on doing what you need to do for yourself and your mother.

Accept that this is a hurt unlikely to heal for your brother, and that your relationship with him may well be collateral damage to this.

Accept it being his choice.
I feel for you, but also for him.
Parental rejection is a very hard burden to carry.

Tbh I haven’t got the energy for this & wish I never started it. Truly appreciate everyone’s perspectives & it has been eye opening for me to understand more about how far deep resentment goes when it’s taken root. For my sanity I’m going to stop engaging now though. I’m hurt. He’s hurt. Our mums dying. The Instagram-esq psycho-analyses and labelling isn’t helpful.

To add, I didn’t start the golden child/ scapegoat stuff!!

I was only trying to give you the heads up @sillistudi that you’ve accepted a label which totally changes the interpretation of the situation.

I'm sorry your mum is dying. 💐

I think people are trying to say that if you do wish to engage with him another day, you will need to reflect, look inwards and accept his viewpoint. I'm not sure whether you wanted everyone to agree with you, but there is some truth in what you quite rudely called 'instagram-esque psychoanalyses'.

The fact your mum is dying may very well be what has triggered everything for your brother if there is the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

Hes very possibly spent most of his life hoping (consciously or subconsciously) that he’d get his turn of being the favoured one. Now that your mother is dying he’ll be dealing with the fact that is never going to happen.