Daughter just uses use for babysitting

[bunnny]

Hi
can you give me some advice. I am sitting here again feeling very upset. My daughter whom just seems to just use and don’t give a fig about how feeling at all. We are the partenal grandparents to 3 children. Who we share child care with the the other grandparents with equally. The granddad is stepgrand and is not really involved in incaring for the children. Anyway we love how children. But we have never ever been told thankyou. While the other grandparents go out for meals with them holidays days outs like the zoo pantomime all paid for, on my birthday last year all I was given was was a birthday card while they all went to London, I feel really hurt by this. For a whole year I keep asking my daughter if we could go to the spa together and she keeps saying she will book it but does not has she not have time but when I call round to drop something off her mother in law is there.
my husband says why do you let it bother you bother you but it really hurts me

You need to tell her clearly how you feel.

@bunnny you can always say no to the babysitting. I can also think of nothing worse than going to a spa with my mum or MIL

Start doing only what you actually want to do in order to spend time with your grandchildren and stop doing any regular childcare. Are you sure your daughter is funding these grand trips out and not the other set of grandparents treating the family?

This is quite rare - it’s usually the other way around, the couple gravitate towards the woman’s family and the paternal grandparents are feeling left out. How was your past relationship with your daughter? Is there a vast lifestyle difference between you and the other set of grandparents?
if you don’t feel you can sit down and talk feelings with your daughter, then I do feel you need to test the waters by quietly being unavailable for babysitting etc. Hopefully this might trigger your daughter into instigating a discussion. Hopefully it is just thoughtlessness.

So they pitch in and go for days out with the whole family, but you want a spa day, just you and your DD? If she hasn't got time, then accept that. Does her MIL go round to help out? You seem to resent what you do, so your DD isn't going to ask for more and hasn't got time to host, if you expect 'hosting', which some relatives do. How do you know everything is paid for? Are they, in effect, paying for a extra pair of hands?

How do you know your DD is paying for the other grandparents?

Just stop doing favours. Its the only way. Or it will just carry on the way it is.

Just to add. Hos do you know the other grandparents arent paying for those treats and holidays. I would think there is a strong possibility that they are.

No gift on your birthday is pretty shitty regardless of the free childcare.

You can’t force days out together, she’s clearly not interested in that. So it’s up to you I guess. Be more direct with dates and invitations and if they are all declined you have your answer.

The childcare is a separate issue to spending time with your daughter. Either you are happy to provide it with no strings attached or you are not.

Maybe she doesn’t really like spa days or feels she has to pay for it for you both, as a thank you? That can be £200+? And she might not want to pay that?

your husband being a step dad is that right? If they aren’t close that might be a factor in how often you all meet up.

can you take her out just you two? These early years are so tiring and expensive I think we just need to help out our kids as much as possible and look forward to when it’s easier all round

I'd say it's more usual for grandparents to treat their grandchildren to a day out, not the other way around.

Fo the childcare you want to do and no more. You should absolutely be thanked but honestly expecting your daughter to drop £100-200 on a spa day for you isn't a good look.

It may not be that they are ‘paying’ them
for babysitting, they may just have a different relationship with them and enjoy doing that stuff with them.

As it’s causing you upset it may make sense to step back from babysitting and just visit instead

Are the other grandparents paying for the day trips/holidays? You need to speak to your daughter.

I’m assuming the days out include her children whereas you’re asking for a day with just her without the children? Does she have the luxury of those days with her husband? If not, you won’t get a look in until the children are older.

You might need to speak to her and explain you’d also like family days out with her.
How do you know the other grandparents aren’t the ones paying for the days out?

I wonder how much her daughter is saving by getting free child care?

If she drops the child care, I'd bet good money that she'll hardly ever see her grandchild.

How much are you actually babysitting? Are the three kids all one daughters? What was your relationship like before grandkids?

My mil could have written this but my parents paid for all our trips.

If you feel used, stop allowing that to happen.

And comparison is the theft of joy - you mustn’t compare what is happening with your daughter’s in-laws to what is happening with you. Just make a commitment to improving your relationship with your daughter and her family. This may mean pulling back on some babysitting and making more frequent visits instead.

How do you know who pays for what when they go out? What was your relationship like with dd before she had kids, did you do lots of activities together?
it’s fine to cut back on childcare but only if it benefits you not out of spite.

You say that you are the paternal grandparents to three children but then your whole post is about your daughter. Are all three children hers or your son’s?

It sounds like you do lots of childcare but feel you should be paid/treated for doing so and aren’t. Is that right? I think you need to speak to your children about how you feel. If you feel used, then I would reduce the help I gave.

She clearly doesn’t want to go to a spa day though, so it sounds like you are pestering her there! Why don’t you just go with a friend?!

Whatever the arrangements with the other grandparents, a simple thank you for 50% of free childcare wouldn't come amiss, surely? And just a card for OP 's birthday while DD spent the day doing something fun with the in-laws?

Come on now. I know the Mumsnet instinct is to side with the younger mother, but there's clearly a lack of consideration going on here.

You need to pull back on the childcare. Be too busy when they call to ask you.

Tell her how you feel and stop being a free babysitter, completely stop unless its an emergency like urgently needing a&e. Just stop.

I suspect that if she attempts to invite herself round to see then, they'll always be busy.