Daughter just uses use for babysitting

[bunnny]

Hi
can you give me some advice. I am sitting here again feeling very upset. My daughter whom just seems to just use and don’t give a fig about how feeling at all. We are the partenal grandparents to 3 children. Who we share child care with the the other grandparents with equally. The granddad is stepgrand and is not really involved in incaring for the children. Anyway we love how children. But we have never ever been told thankyou. While the other grandparents go out for meals with them holidays days outs like the zoo pantomime all paid for, on my birthday last year all I was given was was a birthday card while they all went to London, I feel really hurt by this. For a whole year I keep asking my daughter if we could go to the spa together and she keeps saying she will book it but does not has she not have time but when I call round to drop something off her mother in law is there.
my husband says why do you let it bother you bother you but it really hurts me

There was another post a while back where the op was expected to babysit but not offered any food or even a biscuit for her cuppa. The daughter would clearly state that the food wasn't for them but for her own family/dp. The op and her partner would bring their own supplies with them including biscuits when they babysat their own grandchildren. 😮

The cfs saved a fortune in childcare fees by using slave labour from the grandparents while they went on spa & golf days. That's how they funded their expensive hobbies.

Does anyone remember that thread?

Still trying to work out who use is.

How do you know the other grandparents are paying? What is stopping you from taking the children on a nice day out like the zoo?

I only say this because, I feel I’m the daughter in a similar-ish situation to you. My parents spend a lot of time with my partner and baby. We go on days out to the zoo, the aquarium, farms, coffee shops, Sunday roasts etc. All driven by my parents, they always have lovely suggestions. However my boyfriend’s parents never invite us round for dinner, never suggest a Sunday roast, never suggest a walk or anything like that as a family. If they ever see our baby, it’s either them coming to our house and playing with him here, or them offering to take him for an afternoon and they play with him there. They’ve never expressed an interest in doing anything outside of the house with him, but in the same breath have made a few diggy comments to my partner about how “Erin’s parents always seem to do nice things with the baby!” My boyfriend always responds with “well you can too, do you fancy doing anything nice with us next weekend?” And she just…doesn’t really respond. Or says she’ll take him for the afternoon if we want.

So unless I’m misinterpreting your post, maybe you need to out yourself forward more and make more suggestions?

Also, you’ve suggested a spa day to your daughter. But you’re expecting her to do all the admin of booking and organising jt. You’re just waiting for her to sort it. Why don’t YOU book it and do all the organising?

All this said though, I do think it’s really out of order that you get no thanks at all from your daughter. And just a card for your birthday is rubbish.

The op has already clarified that she is thepaternal grandmother; it's her daughter's kids she babysits.
@Bonkers1966

How does your dd feel about her step dad?

Also, you’ve suggested a spa day to your daughter. But you’re expecting her to do all the admin of booking and organising jt. You’re just waiting for her to sort it. Why don’t YOU book it and do all the organising?

I'm in the midst if trying to organise something that my DD is actually enthusiastic about, and that I'm paying for And it's still almost impossible for me to do, because of course she's the one who is time-poor, so I can't go ahead and book something when I don't know when she's available (and she barely knows!)

And I'm guessing that OP 's DD who can barely manage a birthday card, will be be that helpful or communicative about giving OP the information about her availability that she needs to book it.

@JustAnotherWhinger made the same mistake myself.

This. Sit her down and ask her. It’s not a competition.

To be honest it does sound like the in-laws are paying!

I expect the in laws are paying for the days out!

I personally would like to have a spa day out with my mum but even so, if I didn’t and my mum tells me she wants to go, I would go. It’s not all about me and it’s not all about you and the OP’s daughter. Suck it up and do something for someone else.

Do you think perhaps the other grandparents are paying for the trips and days out? You might not be able to afford this and it's nice you have offered to treat your DD but her life will be very busy with work and 3 DC. You should say that you feel unappreciated, free childcare from grandparents is invaluable.

Op my dm did loads do childcare for me and there’s no way I’d not spoil her and ensure she was looked after in her retirement. You daughter sounds ungrateful.

I bet you don't exploit your mum's good nature or make a fool out of her unlike the OPs daughter.

You are being used and taken advantage of. It has now become expected that you will look after the kids so you'll not get a thank you until you show you're not a pushover. Just stop and take the upper hand for a change.

I think your DD should be thanking you for all the free childcare you provide - that's a minimum. She could also do something nice like pay for a spa treatment as a thank you.

For anyone saying she may not be able to afford this - I would say don't have more children than you can afford and don't expect your mother to provide free childcare - I think it's a form of elder abuse tbh.
I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this to my own mother.

As Mumsnet often says "you hold the keys to your own prison".
As long as u choose to keep doing what you are doing, Ur daughter will keep acting the way she's acting.

I think it is lovely that you are doing childcare for your grandchildren. In a lot of ways grandparents are helping the world go round. However, there is a reason children need childcare and that is because it is impossible for most to buy a house on one salary alone. Yes, you are helping them out and I am sure it is very appreciated but perhaps they cannot afford to financially reward you with treats.

As with other posters, I expect other grandparents are paying/organising trips and your daughter is happy to along. Although I am relatively close to my mother, she would never dream of organising or inviting us to do anything, from going to dinner to a day at the zoo. In fact she has probably rang me fewer than 5 times in the last year. It is quite one sided when I write it down but it is the way it is. Plus, she could absolutely afford it, so that is not an issue.

I think it’s quite unfair and rude to expect daughter to arrange Spa Day. As a minimum that would be £100 per person. With a young child, her money will be spent on her child and perhaps saving for a second. It is tough financially for young parents. My mum is generous with my children but always tells me to buy stuff and she will reimburse me when she sees me, or she will buy one item for one if I buy the same for the other one. This adds to financial pressure but she is oblivious to this. When children are young, in my experience, families don’t always have a lot of spare cash and things are tightly budgeted for. You are helping them out massively and building relationships with your grandchildren. Perhaps you could nudge her for more appreciation but I wouldn’t be expecting expensive trips out.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter is not the main earner in the household and has a controlling husband that only sees vaue in showing off to his own parents… your daughter might not have any access to any money…

I pay for the both of us. I am very generous with both my daughter and all 3 of my grandchildren. I also know the other grandparents do not pay for anything has I’m told by my son in law.

Disclaimer: my son sees his grandparents plenty, childcare or not.

But I think your wager is a very common one on MN, and it completely ignores the reality for modern parents (and indeed most parents throughout history).

Small children need, at the bare minimum, someone supervising them at all times, even if that means sitting in the house as they sleep.

Two adults who could more or less either be where they wanted, do what they wanted or else be working suddenly have one of them (or someone else) available 100% of the time, no exceptions

In those circumstances, it's rather silly to complain that grandparents "only get seen for childcare".

Well, duh. That's been a norm for millennia - it's a sudden invention that grandparents get leisurely visits in all the ENDLESS FREE TIME that parents DEFINITELY HAVE AVAILABLE.

I'm very glad that my MIL doesn't fuss about having me sit around when she visits but encourages me to take time out and enjoy myself or get things done. It's my husband who needs it pointing out that our to do lit vastly exceeds our available time and that if our son is enjoying himself with his grandparents then it's a win all round.

Perhaps the other grandparents are paying for the days out.

They find lots of time to spend with the in-laws though. So clearly it isn't time that's the issue.