Daughter just uses use for babysitting

[bunnny]

Hi
can you give me some advice. I am sitting here again feeling very upset. My daughter whom just seems to just use and don’t give a fig about how feeling at all. We are the partenal grandparents to 3 children. Who we share child care with the the other grandparents with equally. The granddad is stepgrand and is not really involved in incaring for the children. Anyway we love how children. But we have never ever been told thankyou. While the other grandparents go out for meals with them holidays days outs like the zoo pantomime all paid for, on my birthday last year all I was given was was a birthday card while they all went to London, I feel really hurt by this. For a whole year I keep asking my daughter if we could go to the spa together and she keeps saying she will book it but does not has she not have time but when I call round to drop something off her mother in law is there.
my husband says why do you let it bother you bother you but it really hurts me

If that’s the case at least she’ll realise there is no real relationship there, and can stop flogging a dead horse.

I'm multi posting here because I know someone in the same position as OP. And it's all very well saying 'stop doing the childcare' but like OP, my friend loves her grandkids and if she stops with the childcare, she won't see them.

I've known the family since long before the child treating them this way was born. The parent of the grandchildren has always been selfish and a taker, despite always having been treated well, and their own sibling is appalled by how they treat my friend. It does happen.

Is this not about money but about the time your DD wants to spend with you and the value she places on you as a DM and DGM? If I were you I’d continue to develop your relationship with your DGC, refocus from her onto your other DC if you have any and your friends. ATM she seems to be occupying your thoughts which is unhealthy. She seems unlikely to change as you’ve hinted what you’d like but she’s not been receptive. Sending sympathy.

What is your suggestion then?

So you're the maternal grandmother, not the paternal grandparents as you stated in your op. It is quite unusual this situation but not uncommon.

What's your relationship like with your daughter's partner? Is he/she on the scene and are they instigating the distant relationship between you and your daughter? Do you think the partner could be isolating your daughter from her family & has just sidelined you to babysitting duties?

Has your daughter always taken you for granted? Some people are more grateful to people they meet later like in laws because they're so used to family being there that they don't think it warrants a mention or a thank you.

As for a spa day it seems she doesn't really want to do it. Are the events with the other grandparents all family events? My paternal grandparents would pay for all their children and grandchildren to go to the zoo for a family day out, they may have established these kinds of days out as a tradition. You could, if you like, suggest a different kind of day that includes the children and see if your daughter is more amenable to that.

Knowing what your daughter is like you can decide what you want to do moving forward. You can try and improve your relationship with your daughter, accept things as they are, or withdraw a bit, but bear in mind if you pull back a lot then your relationship with your grandchildren will be affected as you will probably see them less.

I am confused, you say you are paternal grandparents, which I understood to mean these are your son’s children, then talk about your daughter. Can you clarify the relationship?

She said it’s her daughter, and the other grandparent is her mother in law

That's not how I read it @ToKittyornottoKitty

@bunnny said "We are the partenal grandparents to 3 children" which suggests that she is a step Mum to her husband's 3 children.

Happy to be corrected by you though @bunnny

@bunnnycan you clarify what you mean by ‘paternal grandparents’? Are you the step mum? Do you have a son with children?

Why do you think that means she’s a step mum? Not challenging you, just curious. Either way I don’t think she’s the son’s parent which is what the poster was asking.

No it is my and my husband daughter. The step granddand is the partnal side. Got it wrong. We are the material grandparents.

Paternal grandparents refers to the father's parents and maternal grandparents refers to the mother's side of the family.

The op is clearly the maternal grandmother as she refers to her daughter. The paternal reference in her op could be a simple typo.

edited; posted before @bunnnyupdated

I no what paternal means, and it still wouldn’t have suggested she was a step mum. OP has clarified now anyway.

Sounds to me like MIL & FIL are paying…

I wrote as a GP who does childcare. They seem to pitch in, the OP wants a Spa day, with her DD. Her DD is in the midst of young children, working full time and trying to fit everything in, she doesn't have time. As I asked are they another pair of hands and does the OP expect 'hosting'. There's a big difference in calling in to help/entertain the children while the DD cleans etc and someone sitting wanting cups of tea made and feeding.

Who is paying for all these outings? Your daughter or her in laws?
Does she say ‘thank you’ when she collects the children or just says nothing, or do you mean you don’t get a thank you as in a treat?

If the in-laws are paying for these outings/holidays then it's likely that DD will be going on them, it would likely be taken as rude for her not to.

It sounds to me like the daughter has a better relationship with her in-laws than OP. I could say the same for my DW too, her mother is awful.

Oddly enough, my daughter seems perfectly happy to volunteer to make me a drink when I visit.

I find it really odd when people complain about parents expecting a cup of tea or coffee. Given that they manage to make their own drinks, making two is hardly onerous.

I'm very considerate of my DD's workload, but equally she's also considerate of me.

So your DDs husband has a child from a previous relationship?

I think you need to clarify whether the other grandparents pay for all the trips/holidays or not.

Much of this will depend on the relationship your son-in-law has with his parents and family. If they are very close there will be an impact on the time he/your DD can spend elsewhere. If his parents pay for everything it will be very difficult to say no. Similarly, your DD may have little control over when/how often her MIL just pops over.

Agree . Such a weird post . I mean heavens above, why would a grandparent expect a cup of tea, how dare they. Not that that is even the case here though . Just a quite wild assumption .

When you say they go on holidays, days out, the panto, zoo, meals with the in laws and it’s ’all paid for’. Who by? How do you know for sure?

There were days when my DCs were small that my DH would get in from work and ask if I wanted a cuppa and I would realise I just hadn't had the opportunity to make one all day! My mum would always make me hot drinks when she visited.

Is this a bit of a reverse? Because you say paternal grandparents, but your DD.

the advice on who to speak with would entirely depend on if you are maternal or paternal - talk to your child. But if you are the paternal GPs then it sounds like you son leaves everything to the children’s mother to sort and she’ll naturally do more with her parents