This is annoying right?! (a MIL one)

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

DH, MIL and I have a WatsApp group that we do 95% of communication on, family updates, birthday reminders, weather updates (live at opposite ends of the country) birthday messages etc etc,

MIL does message DH separately (as she is free to do) but it tends to be completely non eventful stuff that would be no interest to me.

DH picked me up from work yesterday and told me that MIL had messaged to say that she had made a purchase for us, thought it strange that nothing had come through on group chat and presumed it was something for one of the DC.

Nope, it was a fucking huge rug and the reason I didn’t know anything about it was because she had informed DH separately that she had bought, it was a good bargain, decided on two places it could go in our house and it was on its way.

This is a typical move from MIL but I’ll be honest it’s the first in a good while and it’s completely enraged me. It is more the principle than preference on this occasion but even at that it was something so completely not our style nor would fit in with either place she had “decided” it would go and I also can’t get over she wouldn’t send a “Hi, seen this, would you like?” to the group chat, rather than “I have bought and it’s on its way” to just DH!

DD 19 has decided she quite likes it for her new student flat she is moving into in September, which is good because it wasn’t getting put down in here but should I tell MIL that was the decision or should we go with DH’s decision of not saying anything as she chose not to communicate with us (me in particular) and does not need an exclamation to why it’s not here when they next visit.

Just say thank you and put it in the loft. When she asks where it’s gone just airily say, ‘Oh, Sarah has claimed ownership of it for her student flat next year’.

Its abit weird that she would buy something for your house and decide where it is for. Is she always this overbearing?

I wouldn't say anything and if she ever came round and asked where it was i would just say that DD loved it so much she wanted it for the her flat.

Nope, I wouldn’t be happy either. You could buy MIL something vile for her house and see how she likes it ….

Why so angry? MIL has sent a gift, it will be used by someone happily. What's the issue here?

Just be honest, say you didn't need it or like it, but that your daughter does and will make use of it.

Yes this use to be quite a classic type move from her but she has calmed down over the years so this has knocked me

We do live quite far apart so other than an annual visit and a weekly phone call it’s quite easy for me to but boundaries in place, however it seems not when it’s comes to rugs!

Nope MIL sent DH a text while he was driving to pick me up which he read just before I came out and told me as soon as I was in the car.

We had this, but it was old rugs that PIL had and brought round for us because we have LVT downstairs and no rugs (by design!) and expected us to put them in our lounge and dining areas of our large, modern open lounge kitchen diner … our colours are navy and chrome / silver, these were pink and brown, really old fashioned, patterned too, ugly as sin and smelled because they smoke
they’re upstairs in our loft room that I don’t use, DH has his office set up, kids have it as a cinema room and our female cat has claimed it as hers as it has a sofa and bed she likes … she’s wee’d on both (PILs have a dog so suspect she was marking her bedroom 🤣) … so they’re now cleaned and in the garage

I don’t understand why some people are advising you to just say that DD wanted it. It would only encourage MIL to do similar interfering things in the future. If it was me I would have to say something like "Thanks for the thought but I’m afraid it’s not our style at all. We’d want to choose our own furnishings. But luckily DD loved it so she’s taking it to her new flat."

Not something I could get excited about.

If I found I liked the rug, I would use it.
If I didn't like it I would put it away somewhere and if asked about it at anytime, just say it wasn't to my/our taste.
As your DD likes it and can use it, pass it on without another word but be honest if asked.

No drama.

Don't mention the rug, never mention the rug. If she ever asks about it feign ignorance and refer her to DH for any response.

It would be an issue for me too! Don’t you want to choose your own home furnishings, rather than your MIL choosing them?

I’m not sure what this has to do with anything.

I am always grateful for anything that anyone gifts or wants to buy us and I also love to treat other people however like I said in my OP I think there is a difference between saying “I seen this quite big item that will be huge part of your room and wondered if you would like” and just buying and without consulting with the people that are going to have to live with.

To flip your question around I’d never make a large purchase for someone else off the back of my own presumption because I think it would look good or fit in.

I have thought that too @Auburndi or worse buy another matching one so we don’t miss out!! 😅

If mil bought a rug I would thank her. If we liked it great, if not i would say sorry it’s not to our taste can you send the receipt and I’ll organise the return.

Thank goodness for your ds! On your dh to be fair people on mn will say it’s a dh problem but there’s a fine line between people standing up for someone and life being made difficult forevermore over something not great but not worth having a huge thing over!

When it arrives, your DH should post it back to her and then text to say, we don't want it and we thought it would look good in your living room. I don't know if he would have the balls to do it but I definitely would.

I’m coming at this from a totally different angle. This one is down to your partner. He should have stopped this in its tracks before it gained traction. Buying a gift for you is one thing, doing it sneakily is another. Your partner and you should have each others backs at all times. He must have known when she bypassed the group chat that it was a dodgy move. That was his time to say, ‘we’re a couple and we make decisions about our home together, so send this to the group chat so we can discuss it together’.

It’s not for you to deal with, it’s his mother and he should set the boundaries on this. Sneaky stuff like this needs to be nipped in the bud.

But yes, your MIL, the audacity!

My MIL used to buy me flowery sheets and ruffles for our bed - I just said thank you and didn't use them! Life's too short to get worked up about stuff like this. Surely you can just say it wasn't really our style and DD has it for her flat?

Choosing someone else’s home furnishings without their input is weird.