This is annoying right?! (a MIL one)

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

DH, MIL and I have a WatsApp group that we do 95% of communication on, family updates, birthday reminders, weather updates (live at opposite ends of the country) birthday messages etc etc,

MIL does message DH separately (as she is free to do) but it tends to be completely non eventful stuff that would be no interest to me.

DH picked me up from work yesterday and told me that MIL had messaged to say that she had made a purchase for us, thought it strange that nothing had come through on group chat and presumed it was something for one of the DC.

Nope, it was a fucking huge rug and the reason I didn’t know anything about it was because she had informed DH separately that she had bought, it was a good bargain, decided on two places it could go in our house and it was on its way.

This is a typical move from MIL but I’ll be honest it’s the first in a good while and it’s completely enraged me. It is more the principle than preference on this occasion but even at that it was something so completely not our style nor would fit in with either place she had “decided” it would go and I also can’t get over she wouldn’t send a “Hi, seen this, would you like?” to the group chat, rather than “I have bought and it’s on its way” to just DH!

DD 19 has decided she quite likes it for her new student flat she is moving into in September, which is good because it wasn’t getting put down in here but should I tell MIL that was the decision or should we go with DH’s decision of not saying anything as she chose not to communicate with us (me in particular) and does not need an exclamation to why it’s not here when they next visit.

If my mum had messaged me to tell me she'd bought a rug I didn't like or want, I'd say "Thanks for the thought mum, but we can't use that because it's not our style/colour/taste/whatever"
Is there a reason your H didn't say this to his mum and this has become a matter for you to fume over?

Because she’s sent a “gift” that is large and probably not to the taste of the author AND dictated where it should go.

In her next visit she will then demand to see the rug in situ and be mortally offended that her ugly rug isn’t in pride of place. She will huff and puff at the ingratitude of it being used in “student digs” and never understand that people actually want to choose their own household furnishings.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to message someone individually so I don’t see why what relevance the group WhatsApp has to do with anything. However, it’s not reasonable to dictate furnishings for somebody else’s home.

What did your DH reply to her?

It seems weird!

I think I'd say to her that it was a nice thought and luckily DD likes it for uni, but generally that you choose your house furnishings yourself and please can she check first next time.

It's not rude and it's clear.

I'd be honest with her, it might prevent her doing it again in the future.

I can't see the deleted posts. Is Bronext your MIL? 😁

Bizarre to be so angry about it! Your dd will use it. Win:win.

I knew someone would pick up on this! 🙄
As I said in my OP MIL is of course free to message DH and vice versa, I message my parents separately away from my side’s groups chats.

The context was because that’s exactly the kind of thing she would normally put in the group chat, “The girls Christmas presents are on their way” “Here’s a picture of our new patio set” “Dad wants to know if you wan tickets for this”.

The fact she chose to leave me out of this particular conversation (if you can call it that as she had already bought the rug and it was on it’s way) comes across as purposeful and a bit calculating. It’s a large item for our joint house that I contribute to as much as DH.

It’s bad enough that she decided on it and had it’s on its way without asking either of us it’s just sneaky that she chose just to inform DH about it.

Someone told me one the best way to deal with these type of issues is to react to the situation as if the intention was good, not the obvious bad intention you actually know they had. It is rude if she has gone behind your back and tried to dictate your home decor, especially as it seems she has excluded you from the conversation intentionally, but you can't prove this unless you intend to confront her about it.
You won't achieve anything by confronting her, if she acted in poor faith she will only deny it anyway, so just give her a quick "thanks but no thanks it's not our style but luckily on this occasion it's not a waste of money and dd will have it" and don't give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
I would be frustrated too though OP!

I wouldn’t be impressed.
ex-h and I had a downstairs loo which was all decorated in neutral - beige, cream and stone tiles. It looked lovely.
ex-mil came round once while I was out and planted a blue vase on the windowsill and a blue towel as according to her it was ‘much better with a splash of colour’
ex-h got an earful and instructions not to let her decide the decor in OUR house again

@Allromanticsmeetthesamefate Just say thanks for the rug, but it wasn't really our style, so DD is taking it to her flat instead.

And perhaps get revenge? Buy something really tacky for them then take it round and position it somewhere in their house rather prominent!

I think the family WhatsApp context is relevant because she was sending a random gift to both of you but chose to just send the message just to DH.

In other words, she knew she was overstepping. If she was determined it was perfect for you she could have sent you both a photo or link.

Your DH should have declined the rug.

Or you could live your life without engaging in a pointless petty off

I would message her in the group chat. “Not sure why you are sending a rug without checking we liked it? Can you cancel it please”.

Obviously she can’t and you can “give it away” but you need to make a point that it isn’t appreciated or wanted.

That's not an answer. OP isn't putting it in her home, so it's a non issue, isn't it?
So again, why so angry?

I see where you are coming from op but I'm a bit weirded out by the term 'boundaries in place' in relation to an adult.

How mad is the MIL though. It was probably expensive to purchase and send too. Buying something like that for someone else's house and then expecting them to be thankful is crazy .

Because it is hugely presumptuous of MIL to give a gift like that, large and conspicuous and in view every day, without considering whether OP actually wants it in her home. Luckily it has ended well this time as DD wants it (though if it was my MIL she would be offended that I had given it to DD), but it’s the principle that matters.

While DH and I were on our honeymoon, my MIL bought "for us" from a friend a large amount of secondhand carpet and when we got back announced that it would be very useful for us in our new home. It wasn’t a gift - we had to reimburse her. It was good quality carpet, with an inoffensive colour/pattern, and it did actually prove useful in the end. But it wasn’t our choice and I never felt happy about it. Can you not see that? In my case, my MIL went on to be hugely interfering in many areas of our life. I expect that is what OP is fearing.

I get ya. its a presumption you "want " it its bought to their taste. you didn't ask for it.
it's similar to people who buy Xmas and birthday presents that are not warranted or needed, like clothes bought not yor style or size or toiletries that don't suit.
yes I would be a bit fuming 😤 but she is not going to change at all. now you have someone who will take it. so I wouldn't say a word anymore about it. shove it in the shed or loft untill it goes. my in laws similar especially sis in law gave us placemats last year when moved house. not our style plus we all ready had ones. put them up online and got 50e. 💪 same with mother in law gave us a box of mugs last week - after me saying a few weeks before brought a box of mugs and glasses to charity shop. they just sold this eve online. they can keep wasting their money. I have a bag ready for charity shop or list them or even give away on free cycle Facebook as soon as they are gone
you can't change her but can change how it affects you. I would be putting pressure on your husband to start saying no aswell thoiugh

I feel your pain with this. We constantly get given things which we have no need for/wouldn’t want. MIL has a bit of a shopping addiction I think. It’s difficult because no matter how we handle it, she will ultimately think we are being ungrateful. I’ve even suggested rather than spending on ‘tat’ (obviously didn’t use that word) why not put the money on grandkids account. Which basically got laughed at 🤷‍♀️. Ultimately I now have a system of pretty much whatever comes in the house, goes straight back out to charity. Feels like such a waste! But simply cannot keep hoarding the junk she turns up with!

Definitely say politely thanks but no thanks or she will keep buying stuff. My MIL bought towels, cutlery, bedding for us when we bought our first home - they were not my taste at all. It was as if she was packing her son off to uni, I found it odd that she thought I wouldn’t perhaps want to choose my own.

Your DH needs to say ‘it was a nice thought but we always like to choose our own stuff for the house so no more house things please’.

Honesty is always the best policy whilst still being polite. If you don’t say anything, it will happen again. If it does happen again, then its time for firmer, less polite words from your DH.

I agree with comment above - other than mugs/candles for friends (with a design im confident they like), there is no way i’d ever buy anyone home furnishings. It’s such a personal choice. A rug is just bizarre! Does she have hobbies to keep her busy instead of thinking about your home furnishings?! 😁

So you let other people furnish your house? You must have no style of your own then 🥴

If she sent them a lime green and purple spotted sofa, should she just accept it???

You can be polite and also not let your MIL at the other end of the country (or anywhere) choose your home furnishings. MIL needs some hobbies.