This is annoying right?! (a MIL one)

[Allromanticsmeetthesamefate]

DH, MIL and I have a WatsApp group that we do 95% of communication on, family updates, birthday reminders, weather updates (live at opposite ends of the country) birthday messages etc etc,

MIL does message DH separately (as she is free to do) but it tends to be completely non eventful stuff that would be no interest to me.

DH picked me up from work yesterday and told me that MIL had messaged to say that she had made a purchase for us, thought it strange that nothing had come through on group chat and presumed it was something for one of the DC.

Nope, it was a fucking huge rug and the reason I didn’t know anything about it was because she had informed DH separately that she had bought, it was a good bargain, decided on two places it could go in our house and it was on its way.

This is a typical move from MIL but I’ll be honest it’s the first in a good while and it’s completely enraged me. It is more the principle than preference on this occasion but even at that it was something so completely not our style nor would fit in with either place she had “decided” it would go and I also can’t get over she wouldn’t send a “Hi, seen this, would you like?” to the group chat, rather than “I have bought and it’s on its way” to just DH!

DD 19 has decided she quite likes it for her new student flat she is moving into in September, which is good because it wasn’t getting put down in here but should I tell MIL that was the decision or should we go with DH’s decision of not saying anything as she chose not to communicate with us (me in particular) and does not need an exclamation to why it’s not here when they next visit.

I say thank you when I get presents then do what I want with them

Ive never known anyone buy a rug for a present for someone and decide themselves where its going in someone else’s home.

That’s not a gift, that’s being a control freak.

Box of chocs, flowers, voucher, something thoughtful = gift. Buying a large item that is difficult to return without even checking if the person a) wants a rug or b) likes it/colour/style etc, is just plain odd.

My MIL just got stroppy on the phone with my husband when he refused to accept a 2m long highland cow runner for our kitchen that she had already bought and had decided where it was going to go in our house, so I sympathise! We neither need nor want a 2m long kitchen runner, nor are highland cows a particular favourite. I have no idea where she'd got the idea from but she was seriously affronted when he said if she brought round he wouldn't put it down. Madness.

Get your dd to send her a photo of it once she’s moved in - thanks for the rug, grandma, mum and dad didnt need it.

Id say it's mildly annoying, but I wouldn't be that bothered. Mine buys all sorts of things, if we don't want them we no longer keep them. If the point of it (having left you out of communication) is to get a reaction, don't give her one 😊

I feel for you OP. Be thankful she doesn't live closer. I came home from work to find my MIL supervising the fitting of a new stair carpet that she had chosen and paid for.

Oh boy! What did you do, @Fgfgfg ?
Crikey :o

😂 I'm really sorry I don't have any advice, but your post reminded me of when I came home once to find a garish rug in centre place of my living room floor... You've guessed it - MIL! She was told I didn't like it, so she took it back.

Only a MIL would do such a thing! Imagine popping round your mates house armed with new scatter cushions for their sofa just because you thought they'd look nice in their living room!! 😂

Is it a nice rug or is it an ugly rug thats the deciding factor here tbh

Threw her out of the house and didn't speak to her for a couple of years. It could have been a kind and thoughtful gesture except for the fact she did it behind our backs (and chose a particularly nasty carpet). I scared the poor carpet fitter as well😂 It was all about control.

I would just be honest. Thanks MIL. Lucky DD found a use for it otherwise we would have been asking for a returns slip. I am of the opinion once a gift is given, the recipient is allowed to do what they like with it. Even that means putting it in the bin.

I mean, surely you would get in contact and express that it’s nice she was thinking of you but why on earth she buy an item like that for your house? Literally ask her why she bought it without asking you BOTH if it was needed or liked. Act bemused like she’s done a really strange thing…. because she has.

Tell her that it’s found a home in your daughter’s student digs but “please don’t buy any home decor items again without speaking to both of you because you really don’t want to waste her money or upset her by not using them.”

I frequently get family WhatsApp conversations muddled up. There's the ones between me and my daughters individually, there's the one for all three of us as a group, and there's the one with me, them and my sons in law.

Sometimes I follow up a remembered message, in the wrong group. Or I plan to put something in the small group chat but put it on the larger group chat (or vice versa). Occasionally my daughters do the same, so it's not just senility.

I wouldn't jump to her being devious.

Anyway, I'd just answer 'thanks for the rug. Unfortunately it doesn't fit with our colour scheme, but Emma has fallen in love with it, and has asked to take it to uni, so it's found a good home!'

Oh this is brilliant.

Hahah I'm reading down this thread and seeing you replying to comments saying why so angry... Are we to read into it that you've done simar to your unfortunate dil? For context, it's not about the rug. It's about the power play. Mil has stepped over the line massively in making decisions about her son and Dil home decor uninvited. A massive rug isn't something small like a vase or picture. It dominates the room. She knows she has overstepped because she messaged son rather than put it on the group chat like she would usually do for something like that. Which also means she is playing on the fact that she's messaged him, placing pressure on the dil to accept or look like she's being the negative one in the situation. Luckily it will find a home with the daughter but that isn't the point. I would also be fuming.

Even if it was a kind gesture, to chose the pattern without saying anything to you is just crazy!

She sounds like a hell of a handful. Hope your husband had your back!

Because it's very pushy and weird for someone to think they can make interior design decisions about someone else's home. It's the intent that's the issue.

Only if you make it an issue. The intent has nothing to do with you unless you make it about you.

Mil may have had a point! But she shouldn't have taken it upon herself to change your decorating to her taste.

Thank you for the rug. While it is appreciated we currently don’t need any new items for our home. However DD does and is over the moon with it! Proceed to get daughter to send a text saying thank you. Job done.

Rug has arrived!

Popped it straight in the cupboard under the stairs ahead of DH putting in the loft this weekend for DD in September.

Im presuming MIL will have had a notification it’s arrived (from huge UK chain) I haven’t mentioned anything neither has DH and we have had a message from her this morning on the group text about something completely unrelated so now we have a rather large elephant in the room, though thankfully no rug!!

You need to say something to discourage future purchases.

“Rug has arrived. It isn’t something we would use so DD has claimed it for student flat.”

Hmm I would say, hi there. A large rug has arrived I assume that you meant for this to go to yours (pretend that husband has forgotten to pass this on to you- also means she's less likely to use him as the patsy again). When she says no it was for you... I would then say that's very kind of you but it isn't quite what we would be after. Would you like us to return it or alternatively x thinks it's great and would love for her student flat. Let me know what you would like us to do. Takes back the control a wee bit. My mil plays this game with my husband every now and again and he equally pretends never to have passed things on depending on the situation.