If I have brought a child up wrongly - in your opinion

[PandorasSockBox]

for example. indulged my child too much or not set boundaries, would you judge me?
Why?
Have you done any better?

Yes.
Because you have indulged your child and not set boundaries
Yes.

I honestly wouldn’t care the only time I would is if it impacted on my child in some way. Like bullying behaviour.

As above.

I don't think I would judge you unless it was wilful if that makes sense, like a lack of care or laziness rather than doing what you really believed was the best with the info you had at the time. I think everyone notices differences in how others parent and at times that can be frustrating and cause conflict but I don't think you can categorically say you raised a child "wrongly" unless you've been abusive. Others will only see a snapshot of your parenting anyway so in my mind that's never enough to judge on unless it's extreme.

Why are you asking? Are you concerned about how you raised your children? Are you feeling judged? Are you judging someone else?

Honestly? Yes, I judge people who seem to have done a poor job of parenting. I haven't raised any children at all, but if I had done a poor job of it, I'd have to accept that people were probably judging. Thing is, we're judged by the people around us on everything (including things we can't possibly help), so why not terrible parenting, too?

If it's any comfort, I wouldn't say anything to anyone I privately judge, but I can't help seeing things and forming opinions.

I witnessed a parent indulging her children in the strangest, least helpful to them way. I judged her hard. I then discovered the chaos of her own childhood and could see that while wildly unhelpful, her approach was an attempt to do better.

So yes, I’ll judge you but I’d try to keep my heart kind and open to the possibility that you are trying to do the right thing.

If your child it brat and doesn’t know how to behave appropriately then yes I would judge you. Ie if we were out having food and your child was being loud, running round and disturbing everyone and you were making no attempt to correct that then that not ok

if your child is violent towards my child and you don’t correct that behaviour then yes you’ll be judged

if your child isn’t polite, or a nice person then yes you’ll be judged

not setting boundaries and giving a child everything they want when they want it does not set them up for a great adult life.

All children need boundaries.

Apart from keeping them and others safe, boundaries make children feel secure even if they don't like them at times.

If you refused to do this for your child then yes, I would judge and I'd feel sorry for the child too.

But I feel like there's a huge drip-feed coming?

I would judge any parenting that is so bad that it has damaged the child.

For example, if your lack of boundaries is so severe that your child is a danger to themselves/others or your child is a social outcast because they can't share/take turns/be respectful then yes I would judge you.

Pretty much this @PandorasSockBox .

Yes because I saw the result with my brother and the way my parents raised him

It depends what you mean by "judge". I will think those things if I perceive them to be true, but that won't necessarily affect how I treat you or whether I like and respect you.

Yes.

Children thrive when they’re given boundaries and they don’t need to be indulged with things, they need time and attention. You’re setting your child up to fail if you give them what they want and allow them to do more or less what they like because real life isn’t like that.

Of course, because you would have failed your child. If you haven’t taught your child to cope with ‘real life situations’ it’s not good. If your child can’t share, or work along side another child……

my child is extremely disabled but I’ve taught basic skills. No reason not to,

I agree @Uptightmumma

No, because what would be the point in judging you?

Op I think it's also important to remember that everyone works from a different reference point and with different levels of resilience. If you're not mentally in a good place right now then this post is only going to get you a pile on and will make you feel worse. Are you struggling?

I definitely feel that I’ve gotten things wrong with my son.
However, I never judge or comment on others parenting.

What relevant bits are missing? otherwise how on earth would anyone know with what you have written?

OP your username is very familiar!

I may judge
why?
Because that’s human nature?
Because by forming judgement we make choices about what we think is right or wrong which helps guide us ?
Denying that somethings are wrong is stupid?

I may have done better or worse overall

Meh. As a parent of a kid with SEN, I am judged all the time, and it doesn’t do anyone any good. Not me, not my kid, not the people who judge.

I reserve my judgement these days for people I am certain are arseholes and/or actively abusive (and some forms of strictness / discipline / control fall in this category IMO)

@PandorasSockBox Has this been prompted by the current thread about the young man who gave up a really good job because he couldn't be bothered, spaffed away £48K inheritance in 18 months and is still being hopelessly indulged by his father? Lots of judgement on there about lack of boundaries, some of it quite justified in my view.

Well, if you openly recognise you “haven’t set boundaries or have indulged your child too much” then I think you are recognising your errors and are judging YOURSELF. How the hell are we meant to know what you do and don’t do?

I don’t think anyone ever sets out to raise their child “wrongly”. At least not the vast majority of people. We’re all just trying to do our best, making it up as we go, trying to maybe do things differently to our parents/previous generations, and all doing it nowadays where parenting (and childhood for that matter) looks very different. Throw in different children’s temperaments and dispositions, not to mention different family structures and it's a minefield of guesswork and keeping your fingers crossed they turn out okay.
I’d absolutely judge a parent who neglected or abused their child, but for the most part as the jury is still out on how my own children will turn out I try to reserve judgement as much as possible.