If I have brought a child up wrongly - in your opinion

[PandorasSockBox]

for example. indulged my child too much or not set boundaries, would you judge me?
Why?
Have you done any better?

I don't have any feelings of judgement FWIW - your child, your life, etc. I think there is pretty wide agreement that children raised without healthy boundaries are more likely to experience emotional and behavioural problems later on - look it up it's not hard to find lots of supporting info on this going back years.
There are articles on boundaries (and many other articles) on
unlockingchildren.co.uk

No. Because while I think that parenting is super important, I also believe that there is a lot of luck involved.

I reckon I did a lot of things right as a parent, but I also know that I did a lot of things "wrong", or at least not as effectively as I could have done. As a parent, I was very, very far from perfect. And yet I look at my adult dc, and think wow, how the fuck did she turn out so well. I literally wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Dh and I often joke that we only had one dc because dd makes us look like the perfect parents and we might have been found out if we had had another. Tbh, although it's said as a joke, I do actually believe it!!

My friend was a fabulous parent imo. Not perfect, but who is? Her older dc has been difficult from the outset, and had grown into a not very likeable adult. Do I think that the ways my dd and friend's dd have turned out are entirely down to parenting style. No, I honestly don't.

At least some of how they turn out has to be down to innate disposition or genetics or other environmental factors.

So no, I don't judge people for having made parenting mistakes. Unless someone has been an awful, neglectful or abusive parent of course - then they deserve to be judged.

Very well said @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack
I think in our attempt to blame nurture for everything we overlook nature (plus other environmental factors outside our control).

Everybody makes mistakes when parenting, it's inevitable. But never setting boundaries and indulging your child isn't a mistake. It's the result of many many choices over a period of years. So yes, I would judge that.

I mean we all judge. In that I look at decisions other parents make and think ‘I wouldn’t do it like that’. But I don’t think they are a bad person (unless causing significant harm) if that’s what you are asking - we all do the best we can with what we have at the time.

I like to think that I'd give the benefit of the doubt as most parents get some things wrong. I say like to because I definitely have my judgemental moments. It's hard, some children are more difficult to raise, some parents have their own struggles and sometimes you don't even know what to do for the best.

Yes because you've spoiled your child and set them up to fail, society will do the job you was meant to and it won't do it kindly either and will be harder for your child to accept. The world will not indulge them. Some of the most awfully behaved children I know have been overindulged and lack of boundaries from parents.

Yes. Why did you choose to do that?

i have people with 2,3 or 4 children where one of them is a complete nightmare. Nothing to do with good intentions and efforts of the parents but sometimes a child is born who requires very specific parenting beyond that which most people are equipped to provide without assistance. Sometimes people judge too quickly

Wow. People are rushing to judgment on such a small amount of information! We all have different ideas of what indulgence looks like and what boundaries are important. There is no, one right way of bringing up kids

So for me it very much depends on what your specific examples are.

Are you a journalist looking for real life stories? You've not replied and your lack of detail says to me you're just fishing for something to print....

We all judge others daily, it’s stupid to deny this. I judged a mother on the tram the other day because she was wearing a Vicky Pollard tracksuit and acting like her to boot. Constantly snapping and shouting at her very small children for no real reason. She just didn’t seem able to cope.

Parenting is difficult, it doesn’t come with a manual. Philip Larkin’s poem This be the Verse springs to mind… We all fuck up a bit.

Agree, sometimes as a parent you have to do/enforce things for their own good and it's not always what they want or the easiest - or even a pleasant - path for you as the parent, but our job is to help them move forward in life, not to just keep them happy 24/7.

I would judge if a child had been disadvantaged by a parent's choice not to steer them in the right direction.

I do sometimes judge people’s parenting, yes, but I don’t tell them, obviously!

And I judge my own parenting probably far more harshly than anyone else’s. I’m just a big old Judge Judy.

No, I wouldn't. There's no single parenting approach proven effective for every child. Most parents parent the way they think best for the child they have. Sometimes that goes very well, sometimes it goes wrong.

I only judge if it's having a direct impact on me. I don't have children - I'd make a rubbish parent.

• I do judge people who seem to be uninterested, ineffectual parents, e.g. making no attempt to control their children - for having children when they'd rather mess about on their phone than parent them.

• I don't judge people who are clearly trying their best to parent children who might be uncontrolled at that particular moment in time.

Once yes. Not now. I have two children; one is quelled by a look. The other … isn’t.

I would need more details to be honest. I wouldn’t judge a random person I met outside of the home as I would have no idea of their background or what issues they may have.

I would judge if your poor parenting had resulted in a child so badly behaved and/or spolit that it meant that other children didn't like them and didn't want to be their friend.

All children need boundaries and guidance. The odd treat isn't going to do any harm but giving them everything they want us harmful.

How come they raised him so different to you? If course don't mind me asking.

If your child has no boundaries and you have purposely brought them up that way then that should be your cross to bear. I would only care if it impacted me or my family

Children who are spoiled and not set boundaries turn into even worse adults who don’t treat other people nicely and behave in ways that people don’t want to be around.

It is your duty as a parent to raise a child who has the best shot at becoming a well rounded, nice adult.

Possibly.

And I hope so.

If the child is spoiled? Yes.
I have the natural urge to spoil my children, but I know a spoiled child becomes everyone’s problem when they grow up. So I got the cat instead. An overindulged spoiled cat is at worst a nuisance.
I grew up very poor and I find it hard to say no to my kids when they want new toys ect because I never had it, but I know they need to learn delayed gratification and that you can’t always get what you want.

This 💯