To LOATHE and DETEST being in charge of family dinner time?

[Mrsjohnsmith]

I actually like cooking, but cooking for my family is so much hard work that I’ve grown to despise it.

The kids (8 & 10) are fussy, especially the 8 yo. Husband and I like a broad range of stuff and I like to cook healthily from scratch, we don’t have takeaways or ready meals.

Planning a week’s worth of meals is absolute hell - trying to fit everything around the kids’ after school activities, trying to find stuff they will actually eat and that we also want to eat, and is relatively healthy is nigh on impossible.

They don’t like anything that I could make in the slow cooker. So nights when we have swimming/cubs etc are a mad rush. DH tries to come up with helpful suggestions which I appreciate, but I sound so argumentative and I constantly have to say “but he won’t eat BBQ sauce” or “no, she won’t have casserole”. He works late so can’t do the actual cooking, as we’d be eating at about 10pm!

Sometimes I just cook standard family stuff that I ask them to try a bite of, and then they can get themselves some fruit.

To do all the planning, shopping, cooking, and then have them try one bite and reject it is driving me absolutely insane. It’s utterly thankless - what do you all do to stay sane?! Any parents of fussy eaters out there with any advice?

Our stance is that you have to TRY it, and then have some fruit if you don’t want it, but the constant rejection of my food is driving me up the wall! I’m not cooking vindaloo here, just ordinary things like beef casserole or chicken fried rice.

They’d be happy with fish fingers and all day breakfast every night, but I don’t want to eat that kind of thing all the time!

Have you tried using ChatGPT? It learns all your food preferences and offers alternatives for fussy eaters if you ask it to plan that way. You spend a bit of time telling it what everyone will and won’t eat as well as what you generally have in your cupboards and then you can also say ‘I need a quick meal on weds and then something on Friday with minimal washing up’ for example

I hated it too.
What saved me was batch cooking several meals over the weekend with my DH and then we put them in single portion containers in the fridge. Then on the mad rush evenings or if a child couldn’t stomach a freshly prepared meal, everyone could choose a different meal from the batch cooked meals.

( leftovers would get put into single portion containers as well)

I understand your frustration and while I think it is good to encourage they try new foods, I do think it being a hard rule is too harsh. I think your current offering whatever you decide or eat fruit as a substitute dinner is very poor nutritionally. Fruit is going to leave a child going to bed hungry.

So I think you need to do some better planning and your DH can actually cook some of the meals and therefore be part of the planning and shopping. Working late during the week is not the get out of jail free card imho.

When is want to stick pins in my eyes because no one wants to wat anything I make this:-

Tortillas (the best I can buy)
Heck chicken sausages
Cut up carrots, peppers, apples and cucumber (or whatever they like)
Mix yoghurt and mayo (tastes like mayo but more protein)
Add to the table bbq sauce, siracha (for us adults) and ketchup etc.

We are having carbs, protein and fruit and veg. They can help themselves and I don't worry too much. Win win!

Mine wouldn't eat casserole. Similar ages. What we do is a mixture of kid friendly meals (pasta with tomato sauce or macaroni cheese, pizza which can be homemade, jacket potatoes, beans on toast) and more adult meals that can be adapted for the kids tastes. These include- wraps where the kids have beans and we have a fajita style sauce, and everyone adds their own ingredients like cheese, sour cream, avocado, etc, dahl, which was introduced as a blended 'lentil soup' and now they enjoy, lasagne that they pick apart and eat the pasta and cheese from, mushroom risotto where one eats the rice and onions and the other eats rice and mushrooms. Hopefully you get the idea. If they outright refuse they can have toast.

We don't make them try anything, we do encourage it and they eat a lot more than they did a few years ago. Essentially we ensure that they have a reasonable selection of foods they should like on the table. That could be bread or grated cheese on the side, lots of different vegetables they can try. I put different ingredients into bowls and ramekins for them to help themselves. Serving things separately and letting them serve themselves really helps too. My kids don't tend to like the idea of dishes that are mixed up especially where sauces or vegetables are involved. The other tip is blending sauces or soups to avoid whole veg. Look up the division of responsibility by Ellyn Satter.

The other thing is that DH should be sharing the cooking. He can cook a couple of dishes on the weekend with big portions, that can be freezed and defrosted on busy weekday nights. That is my other big tip. Share the cooking and the shopping, and cook into bigger batches so you spend less time doing it each night.

Oh and one more thing- if they don't eat that well for the main meal especially protein (we are vegetarian) I make sure they get a healthy pudding in the form of fruit and yoghurt.

I definitely feel your pain! I cook for a family of five with three different diet patterns, and two of my kids can be quite particular. I often get around these issues by doing meals "bar" style - i.e. pasta bar, taco bar, roast dinner etc. I set out dishes of everything, family style (albeit I will put a plate together for the youngest (2)), and people can build their own.

Deciding what is for dinner is one of the most tedious and exasperating parts of adulthood (slightly lighthearted). I spend my whole day making important decisions that could end with serious consequences (at times life or death) and I am expert witness in family courts. Come 5 pm (if lucky to finish on time) and having to decide what to cook for dinner (or tea as in Yorkshire), then this is a decision too far!

Pesto peas pasta prawns. Only one pan to wash up. Done in 15 mins from getting in the door. I usually also throw in carrots or sweetcorn, or swap out the prawns for tuna. Can also add cheese and or olives.

Oh and the other dish we do is noodles- the adults will have a stir fry with sauce and we'll cook some plain veg the kids will eat separately to the sauce, and then I make them a satay sauce by blending oil and peanut butter into a ramekin and they add that to their noodles with some veg.

On swimming nights I would do toasted sandwiches and crudités for the kids. You can make them up in advance and then just put them in the sandwich toaster when you get home. One of mine would have chicken & mozzarella, the other would have ham & cheese and chive primula. I’d then make a more a grown up dinner for me and DH a bit later. Unless he wasn’t home and then I might also have a toasted sandwich and salad! I would alternate the toasted sandwiches with quaesadillas (same fillings for each child!) or make in advance tuna or chicken mayo pasta and serve that with crudites. It was only one night a week so not a big deal. Also I know you like to cook from scratch but decent fish fingers, baked beans or corn on the cob and mash you’ve made already but have frozen is a relatively quick option that’s not too unhealthy!

we’ve just ended up doing the same meals a lot tbh, I do it because logistically it’s easier for me to do it during the week but I flat refuse to cook on the weekends, whatever we are eating is DH’s problem. I’ve already notified Dh that as soon as DC leave home I’m never cooking again, I used to love it cooking.

How fussy are we talking? Mine has ARFID and would retch at the suggestion of what you think are 'ordinary' foods so we've had to do a lot of adjusting. We're now at the stage where DC will tolerate disliked foods being on the table as long as she's not expected to eat them (which is significant progress - it means we can all eat together even if we're not eating the same thing.)

Meals that work here include

• jacket potatoes with chilli (which the adults eat), grated cheese, salad on the side, everyone helps themselves to whatever toppings they like
• plain pasta with bolognaise (which the adults eat), grated cheese, salad on the side, etc
• noodles with chicken strips, stir fry veg
• rice bowl with toppings (I just make sure sweetcorn is included as DC will eat that)
• Home made fish fingers (they're a faff so I make loads at a time and freeze the ones I don't use) with chips and peas
• pasta pesto, with optional roasted vegetables and pine nuts or baked salmon
• plain rice, with curry (which the adults eat) and sweetcorn

I always have safe foods on the table at the same time so that on a bad day she can just eat bread sticks. Fortunately she'll always eat fruit for pudding so she's not vitamin deficient! If I'm doing a meal like a slow-cooker stew or moussaka which I know she won't touch under any circumstances, then I'll do something separate for her, she just has to sit with us to eat.

I wouldn't bother with the "one bite" stuff, just have the casserole along with safe foods (bread? mash? chips? peas? sweetcorn?) and if all they eat is mash and peas followed by fruit, don't stress too much. Something I have learned recently is that apparently the biggest change for children with restricted eating comes with peer groups in adolescence.

Fussy kids won’t eat this. It sounds awful to me too who likes each ingredient individually. Just does not go together!

Get the kids to do a meal plan and help to cook

i have a similar age relative who is with me a lot, and I get them to choose things out of recipe books, they like to browse the Waitrose magazine and they are into K culture and Japan so they choose food from those countries, as it fits their interests. Have a themed week, and plan together things from the theme. I am also teaching nutrition and food groups so they love pulses and chicken to get the protein so they can be strong. They get excited to have a brazil nut every time they come to my house to boost the immune system with the selenium. They love chilli so we just always eat spicy food, you can make anything spicy. Rainbow carrots are more exciting than ordinary ones! I guess in our house we make food exciting.

kids tend to get super excited at the prospect of cooking, and then enjoy the food so much more when it’s something they have made themselves.

Thanks for the solidarity and ideas, I’m glad it’s not just me!!
DH is really supportive and has been coming up with lots of pre-prep ideas for easy dinners.

I probably get a bit caught up in trying to make every meal tick all the boxes, but realistically need to remember that ‘good enough’ is alright sometimes!!

think I’ll let go of the one-bite rule…..like the idea of guaranteed things they’ll eat on the table, something like flatbread and cucumber would always get eaten and takes seconds to prepare, so that’s something I’ll start implementing!

My ds would only eat the pasta (and only if not contaminated by any of the other ingredients)!

Its the monotonous repeated nature of thinking of the meals. I dont mind shopping and cooking but meal planning, no thanks!

Can you try some tray bake things with a variety of ingredients so people can pick out the things they like from it but it's not to much work or washing up to do?

Things that have been a game changer. Oven baked risotto, soy baked chicken, all super quick with no faff and similar recipes I got from the Good Food app. What I like about it is you put an ingredient in and it gives you options. I find it soul destroying having to think about this stuff too. Buying the app was the best decision I made last year.

I'd be foregoing all that (expensive high sugar) fruit and putting a plate of bread & butter on the table for anyone to fill up on if they don't like the main meal.

I’d suggest the other adult could step up before suggesting AI as the cure to all ills.

You are all kinder parents than me. DS (5) eats what we eat. Sometimes I take his preferences into account, sometimes not. DH too- since he doesn't cook his preferences are considered but not always!

I told DS at one point no more than 3 items he would refuse to eat that I would accommodate.

Either are welcome to go to bed with a hungry tummy or do some cooking. 🤷‍♀️

I follow the meal planners thread on here which often gives me inspiration for new ideas and recipes.

But I absolutely hear you OP: it’s such a relentless and often thankless slog. I cook for five with a variety of food preferences. I accommodate these to some extent but have also given up trying to keep everyone happy with every meal. Refusers can have beans on toast or go hungry. It’s irritating because I’m not a fussy eater and will eat anything that is put in front of me, more or less. The greatest treat in life, in my opinion, is someone else cooking you a meal. Not just cooking it, but thinking what to make.

No need to be rude. Just because you wouldn't like it, doesn't make it "awful"

Totally agree OP. What about ordering Gusto for the adults and then giving the kids fish fingers for a couple of months. They will probably eat more varied meals when they get older and it gives you a break whilst hopefully enjoying cooking again.

Why would you not ensure your child has eaten?

I agree with this.

Our DC's autistic and a bit limited in what she eats (not to ARFID type levels but limited enough that I'd be really bored having to cater to her). We just feed her what she'll eat and eat what we like mostly. Once in a while she'll expand her repertoire and since age 11 or so she's been a little more flexible and we can eat out and so on - as long as we pick the restaurant carefully (Wagamama was the breakthrough one).

Also I put DH in charge as I do most other family stuff. Do you think you could get by with a snack with the kids then something nicer cooked by DH, at least on activity nights?