Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

And when your DD asked for money over the summer did she get it? In my experience the only way to get teens/uni students in a menial job for spends is if you deliberately keep them short so they need the money.

I travelled for about 16 months in my mind 20s, I had worked for 4 years before that, but 16 months of travel was quite a significant expenditure. I'm not a drinker, but accomodation, transport and experiences quickly add up. I had amassed some savings and like your son had an inheritance which I ate into, but didn't spend anything like all of it. Have no regrets on any of that expenditure whatsoever. I returned to work when I eventually got back to the UK, started earning and replenishing my bank accounts. I could just fall back into the same type of job I had before which was pretty well paid. The travel bug didn't really ever leave though, still have it now, and I have travelled quite a lot in the 20 odd years since that time. I think you are being harsh on him and forcing him to move out is only going to damage your relationship with him. He's probably well aware that he's getting more inheritance money eventually and clearly he has good earning potential, so the fact he's spent a significant chunk of cash probably doesn't seem like a big deal to him. Of course he needs a job, but make him contribute to your household expenses, put him in a situation where he has no choice but to work if the money has run out.

OP it’s blasé not blazeh.

I’m finding it hard to have any sympathy really. You’ve thrown money at those children for their whole lives - did you think they’d magically become self-motivated and independent on the morning of their 18th birthdays or something? You’ve also helicoptered around them, setting up internships and getting jobs for them. Did they go to private schools too? Did you pay the rent on their university accommodation?

Why wouldn’t they think you’d carry on paying out? Your husband is still content to throw money at them. What are you going to do about it?

And for those ‘travel broadens the mind’ types, I’m unconvinced that pissing about in bars in Australia with the other trust fund kids after university is actually teaching anyone anything.

It is possible for social media to open doors and it sounds like this is happening already for your son. It’s not a traditional job but it can turn into a way to make a living. Say he wanted to be a journalist, had studied for it, was now having to work freelance and often unpaid because that’s normal in that career… I think you’d be more understanding because you’d recognize it as a real career that has potential to make real money, just not immediately. If he’s got invited to the f1 and is releasing content of that experience then yeah, this messing around could be leading towards a career in journalism / tv / infotainment. He still has his degree to fall back on (though I know from experience that’s not quite as easy as it sounds!)

Re the money spent so far - I don’t agree with others that it’s silly to give money to young adults. I received a small inheritance at 16 and a larger amount at 25 and never spent it foolishly. I’d rather say that he is an adult and made those choices and has to take the consequences.

You don’t have to enable him or provide extra money but don’t be angry if others do (obviously it would help a lot if you and husband were aligned on this). Actually other people wanting to help him is a good sign that he’s not universally seen as entitled and lazy. Maybe others are seeing potential in him and value in what he’s done so far that you’ve lost sight of

So you are funding three idle children. And your husband gave your son £9k after he'd spent £50k.

I think you & your husband need to question your life choices.

Is your husband that wealthy that he can support his three children throughout adulthood? He and your kids are so blase about money and career it suggests they think this is the case.

Did you not make your kids get a job as kids so they could learn about work and money?

Absolutely baffles me that parents are not encouraging their children to get little part time jobs once they turn 16. Out of 4 DC, 3 of mine have had some form of paid income even if a seasonal job once they turned 16. 4th DC not old enough at 13 but he has already been talked to about the importance of a little job.

And that’s why we’ve drilled into our kids that their money is only for a house deposit and held on to it for them.
We’ve said travelling is to be funded themselves. One would spend it on travelling with no qualms and has actually been given the money now to invest. I don’t think he’d dare spend it.

why your husband keeps giving him money in the 1000s? How rich are you

It's a lot of money for him to blow through, but it was his money, gifted to him by his grandparents. Part of the issue is that you're judging him by standards you probably lived by at his age, i.e. knuckling down and getting a job, buying a house. But plenty of his generation don't want to be shackled to a big mortgage in their twenties, not when they've already got loads of student debt hanging over them. And they'd rather have experiences and follow non-conformist career paths like being a TikTok creator because the graduate job market is so dire. Hundreds of job applications and they can't even get part-time work at Nandos. So if your DS is now making a decent living from videos that he started posting while on his gift-funded travels, I'd argue it's not a waste of money like you think it is, OP.

Also op what have you both done to teach them about money? My kids are younger but the tennager has to do chores for pocket money. They know the value of money and have to earn it. There's no way my kid would get away with getting sacked from a job. They would not be given another penny from us.

What you are going through seems very common , we have similar with my step son , he refuses to find a proper full time job at 25 because his mum and grandparents do everything for him , gave him a car , pay his insurance , lives at home and pays no rent etc .
I think we made it to easy for them and they don’t really know the meaning of sacrifice to have something .
Put your foot down and send him away , he is spoiled and deserves no more help , if you paid their studies and help your kids graduate then your responsibility is ended there

I grew up with a few children from well off families and it really does depend on the approach the parents took. All of them got help and support with flat deposits or foster cars, as a parent why wouldn’t you when you can afford to?! Some of them were very wasteful and others worked very hard, I think it depends on how their parents taught them. For example when I was 18 my boyfriend called me on my mobile daily from his parents landline. I queried it as we weren’t allowed to do that in our house. When the phone bill came in his dad took him to the bank to pay him the money for the bill. My boyfriend was so angry and had a big fallout with his parents. This was a really good lesson to teach him. Despite his dad being incredibly well off his son had zero respect for money. Needless to say he didn’t do it again, it was a big lesson for him to have to use his own wages from his little part time job, probably cleared him out!
At 18 and a stupidly devoted gf I was shocked and obviously on his side. As an adult I totally admire that they took a stand to show him he couldn’t just waste money because they had it!

I could live for whole 20 years with this money

Well, if he is making good money now, you could view it that he used the money to set up a business. Social media influencers do make money and it is a job for some.

The fact that he lies on tik tok isn't really relevant, they all do!

This.☝️

Also, I'm happy at the age of 47 my parents are no longer expressing their opinions on how much and on what I decide to spend my money. 😀

Would I be correct in assuming from your post that you and DH have always bankrolled your DC’s to the point they have no concept of real world financial responsibility? I’m presuming they have all received private education, parent funded university at Oxford and Durham (probably didn’t need to work during uni etc), a generous allowance, driving lessons paid for, maybe given a newish car etc. You get the gist. If those assumptions are correct then this is why your DC blew the £50k, he doesn’t understand the value of money because he has always been given everything without having to work for anything.

on the one hand how lovely for your DCs. On the other maybe growing up without rich parents has its own (hidden) benefits.

Yep I think my husband wishes he was 25 again but he is a 52 year old man who finds his son to be cool, he went sky diving while travelling, my husband decided last summer to go sky diving, he bought a motorbike my husband who hasnt ridden his in years decided its time. He even says his son is 'his greatest teacher' says thats how everyone should live, so what he run out of money, 'shit happens' he said to me dont act like you weren't 23 at one point, we met at university had a lot of fun but we still has our heads screwed on. He made a tiktok and instagram account just to keep up with our sons stuff, at a work conference he was showing everyone our sons tiktoks and saying how cool our son is, these are a group of 60+ year old men who cannot even prounce tiktok properly.

I love my son and I will support him on whatever he does. I just wish he knew the value of things and I am partly to blame, there was never any balance

I think you need some perspective here.
Your children have all done well in school. They are not out on the street getting into trouble with the law.
I think you need to take your own advice and recognise how privileged YOU are! Never mind your kids.
They aren't depressed, they aren't on drugs... they've got decent degrees or probably will get them.
Is it really the end of the world that your son travelled the world?
He didn't spend that money on cocaine he spent it on incredible life experiences that most other people will never get to have.
Is it ideal? No.
But its far from awful too.
Your kids are all young and going on their own journies. They might not be doing that exactly how you'd like but they are doing it.
You say they all lack ambition but what exactly do you expect? Because from what I've read here they've all done very well academically. You think that was pure luck? There was no work or discipline in involved in that? I dont think that likely.
Try and focus on the positives about your children if which there are many. If you focus on all that YOU wanted for them that they haven't done then you'll just push them away.
I feel a bit like you want the moon on the stick here.
Would it be nice to have a son who jumped through every single hoop you imagined.. reached the top in some amazing career, bought a lovely house, married and popped out some beautiful kids by 30? Yeah that's nice. But that's like, hardly anyone these days. That's just not what life is like for most people.
Cut your son some slack. Hes honestly not that bad.

If all your kids are lazy and spoilt, then I’m afraid you need to take responsibility for that.
Bit late now. My parents would have loved to have been able to gift me even 5k to go towards a house deposit when I finished uni, but unfortunately they could never have afforded to.

The problem here is your DH as it sounds like if you make him move out DH will pay the rent and all bills?

If I were you I’d leave and leave your DH to deal with your spoilt children - but get divorced and take your share of the money quick before DH and DC blow the lot - unless you are super wealthy and this is never going to happen?

Still school hols 🤔

Coming from a family where I have seen similar, I think parents/grandparents who give large-ish sums to young people like this are all too often doing dreadful damage. Several of my family members received similar sums, wasted them, and have never worked properly since - instead relying on parental hand outs. Their motivation was just completely destroyed, and none of their lives have worked out in a positive way. It is very sad to see.

It’s one thing giving money like this to your kids if you are wealthy enough to buy them a house, and assets (or to establish a trust fund) they can live off forever.

It’s also one thing giving a sum like this where a child is actually buying an identified house/ setting up a business / buying assets with a real plan /paying university tuition fees - in that case you know exactly what the money will go on, & that it will be giving them a start in life. You can also transfer the money directly to the solicitors to buy a house/ university fees, etc, without it passing through their hands. That’s great!

But just giving them an amount that is large enough to destroy motivation, without any real plan for how it will be spent, just hoping for the best, and without the amount being large enough to support them forever, is really risky.

Sorry OP but I think your husband is sabotaging your children with excessive generosity. Unless he is willing to accept they will never work, and to take on the burden of supporting them permanently, he needs a reality check and to stop doling out money like this - no more to your son, and help for younger children thought through much more carefully and targeted.

The parents concerned in my own family now recognise the damage done and I think regret it very deeply - but too late. They’re stuck with adults who have no careers, in one case a heavy drug habit, depend on them completely, and are resentful and aggrieved. Because their motivation was shot to pieces at an early stage.

DC have their whole lives to work until they’re 90. I’d far rather my 16 year old was focused on school, exercise and enjoying their life frankly.

He had zero motivation. Easy come easy go. Cut off the money, let him experience going without.