Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I'm reading this, and lassoed my 18 y.o. in to ask what he thought.

We understand the £50,000 was a gift with no expectations or clauses? So his to do with as he saw fit? Which he did.
I.e. £50k without expectations/clauses, really? To a 20-odd year old, really? Should have been invested for future e.g. Investment ISA, money for a house down payment, etc

He, an adult, then ran out of funds. So, this was when you (as parents) should have told him it was his responsibility to make things right either 1. Work to obtain the money he needed 2. Lend him money that needed to be paid within a certain time.

Every individual is so very different, but parental spending habits and ways of working do affect individuals habits, yes. Going to Oxbridge would have exposed him to too many people whose parents subsidised expensive habits, as well. He may never learn to spend within his means. Or he might. By experience.

It sounds like your DH needs to align with your views and present a united front for actions. Your DS is 25 y.o., an adult and then some. Not 15, like your DH seems to treat/overindulge him. DS needs to be independent and NOT come to parents when in a crisis of his own making..

Obviously the mistake you made was not sitting down with him and making a plan for the money. He could’ve had a portion to have fun/travel with, some to get set up in life (rent deposit, car, etc) and some to invest. If the same sums are due for your other children, you have to plan from now so the same doesn’t happen.

One big issue is your husband; you have to be a united front, he can’t bail them out and spoil them behind your back. There’s no point in your son moving out if daddy is going to find a flat for him and probably pay the rent. Sit your son down as a unit and have a serious discussion about his future and what he wants to do. Sounds like he’s good at TikTok and with the audience he’s built, he can start earning from that (to pay back that extra £9k and pay you rent for starters!)

it’s utterly pointless for you to turn off the money tap while your husband is hell bent on continuing

I think YABU, he has had a brilliant experience and done exactly what he wanted with his money. Now he's ready to join the workplace and will have those memories forever. If you can't do this in your early 20s when can you

I don’t agree at all with your attitude that he should be in a career you personally deem more worthy. I see absolutely no issue with him being an ‘influencer’ if that’s what he wants to do ave is aware of the risks.

Did your DD actually want to study law/be a lawyer or did you push this route?

When I ran out of money at university my Mum would post £20 in a card. If I was lucky my granny would send a tenner too. Your DH sent him NINE GRAND? After he spunked the 50k.

Sorry but you’re right. He’s utterly spoilt.

"my daughter did two days and said 'no offence but its too much work I want to enjoy my summer' then kept asking for money everytime she wanted to go out."

So did you give her the money after she fucked off a great opportunity you arranged? If you did then that's fucked up...

I thought you were going to say he’d spent it on fast cars, drugs and prostitutes or something but he travelled which is an amazing opportunity and one he may never get again. A lot of people say they will travel once they retire then realise they should have done it when they were younger. He’s only young so plenty of time to settle down. Of course it’s your right to chuck him out if you wish but he hasn’t really done anything wrong.

You haven't failed. He has an Oxford degree in engineering. He won't lose that.
Our dcs are much the same- they inherited from Grandparents and spent it. They were young/mid twenties. There was absolutely nothing we could do about it.

I inherited about £20k at a similar age and also spent it on travel and fun holidays. A little regret now, but not much those were formative memories. I am now mid 40s have a house and good job.

Op can I say, you are being too hard on yourself. This laziness is also generational. You must have instilled some kind of work ethic into the kids to do so well at school and uni. These achievements are amazing and if you are to blame for their failings then you need to take credit for their achievements surely?? Please take into consideration free will of these kids and other influences. Although it does sound like your husband does indulge your son , to some degree so do alot of parents , your reaction being so disappointed makes me wonder if actually you have raised them better then this! Myself as a mum always taught the kids good work ethics and taught them money doesn't grow on trees and so on... yet one of mine turned to me and said they want to be an influencer and dont want to work... this 100 per cent did not come from their up bringing from me. The only difference was in our house my husband said sure no problem off you go, but dont ask me for any money if that's your choice... needless to say that response put an end to that nonsense. You can get your kids to understand the value of money too. Honestly just go with your own gut and talk to your kids and dont be afraid to cut the money off, without throwing them out of course lol. Good luck Op. X

Why did you gift him 50k? If he was about to buy a home then yes give it to him at that point for a deposit or if he was getting married. I don't understand why you would just give a large sum away unless you are mega rich. Your son has pissed it away as he has no regard for money. Your husband is right though you can't be mad because you choose to give it to him with no stipulations. More fool you.

Stop projecting your upset onto your children. The way you talk about them...
Your son has been invited to F1 GP with all expenses paid. How many people do you think have this opportunity? Do you not respect at all where he got in life at such a young age? Is it because he is not sitting at a factory? As a fresh grad he won't be designing cars there, he'll be doing the most boring tasks there are. But, in your opinion, he'll be working hard and that's all that matters.
He is living his life, enjoying what he does and is getting recognition for it but it is still not enough for you.
Daughter is the same. Studies at a good university but still has to appease you by doing a cafe job or unpaid internship instead of enjoying her uni summers.

Will they ever be enough for you? Honestly?

How can he say he is making a living when he's expecting his gf to be accommodated by you ? If he is unable to pay for his bills as well as the expense of having a lot of fun then he's not making enough to support all that without asking you to subsidise a lot of it. Your DH living vicariously through his son is really not helping here. Maybe he will make good money through his social media stuff but he still has to make all the maths add up.

My perspective I came from nothing, had to work for everything and went to Uni with people who could fall back on parents and I envied their confidence. My goodness I want my kids to enjoy my hard work. He’s bright, he’s got a great degree, he’s got a lifetime of work before him. What better use of £50k than going off and having the time of his life? Most people never get opportunities like this or by the time they can afford it, they’re too scared. Enjoy your good fortune, this is what life is for

You should be proud of him, he has seriously achieved in many areas that most under 30s could only dream of.

Our job as parents is to stitch their wings up and teach them how to fly. And he is doing just that! You don't get to knock him down because he is going in his direction, not yours!!

He was gifted that money, as a reward for his hard work?

Your daughter sounds like she has worked bloody hard too! They will both settle down and start making better choices as the natural consequences start coming in...why can't you just let them be carefree young adults without so much anger and resentment?! They have a lifetime of responsibility ahead of them.

While they are not hurting people, on drugs or benefits or committing crime..educated with the potential to be very economically active, you have been a good parent. Now just love them and let them get on with it.

Yikes. 😲

@YourOpenShaker no you haven't failed as a parent and please stop beating yourself up about this. Your son spent a lot of money on his travels. That's not your fault. He makes money now from TikTok. That's great. What exactly are you worried about?

Your children don't know / have never been taught the real value of money and hard work. Sorry to say it, but they sound over privileged and not in touch with real life.

If he's lucky, this sharp shock will buck his ideas up and he'll still find a well paying job. But he might not, and when he's behind his siblings and cousins and struggling to pay rent every month, he will deeply regret throwing away that £50K. That kind of money should be a once in a lifetime kind of gift, and he should be old enough to know what a leg up it is (or rather, was).

No point chastising him now it's gone, but I think you've done the right thing, making him go and stand on his own 2 feet. I certainly wouldn't give him any more, until he's ready to invest in a property. That was the condition of the financial gift given to my husband and I – we didn't get it until we were on the brink of getting a mortgage.

Start talking about going on your own gap year.
Also how you feel after top universities you'll be giving family money to charities when you snuff it. Do a Gates.

What did you do when they were growing up to prepare them for financial literacy and teach hard work is what pays?

They are certainly never going to learn if every time they ask for money they are simply handed it. So first you need to sit your husband down and have a serious word about how you both teach them these lessons now. Stop giving them free handouts!

You want x, we will help you if you save y.
If you need x amount going out today you could ‘insert a job you need doing for them to earn that money’.
Or, every time they ask, ‘sounds like you need a job’.
Give no money, show no emotion, move on and let them work it out.

We have taught my 14yo SS money literacy very early on. How you earn it, how you spend it, how you save it. What things cost abd how the world works. He has his own bank account, bank card and is a smart little cookie and after initial spend ups of everything he ‘earned’ my DH and him sat and had a serious chat as he came to him worried about how he was spending, it was a safe way for him to learn with very little risk and now he has a nice little sum in his account. All parents should teach financial literacy to their children so you can’t blame the kids, but you can take control now.

As for you son who is monetising TikTok, let him crack on. You have no right to dictate how he does earn and if it’s paying and he is supporting himself (as he should be) then I don't really see a problem. My DH has a cousin who makes money the same way and is doing perfectly well on it too, when that revenue dries up it is up to your son to work out how he replaces that with something else at the end of the day, but no more handouts, be clear and mean it.

Stop judging, stop enabling and start teaching.

No I did not give her money thats why I told her to apply for the cafe job

More fool you and your husband for giving it to him. Sorry but you can't hand 50k to a young adult and think they will behave just as you would want.

if you want him to behave sensibly with money then you need to sit and have some serious chats with him about finances and what it is like to depend on your own salary. you need to mirror good behaviour with money. And you need to make sure your child understands just how much money that was, just how little other people have, just how privileged they are. And then you have to be lucky.

From your post I suspect your children have been taught none of that - or they were and you had bad luck with them.

What he does now is irrelevant - his choice as an adult what job he wants. As long as you aren't paying for it then not your business. Although I suspect your dh will be bailing him out no problem.

He's got some great memories to look back on, so it's not completely wasted. You really don't know what's in store in the future so he's just taken the opportunity that he's unlikely to get further down the line.

This all sounds very Vincent van Gogh! Unfortunately one of the things that push VG into numerous mental breakdowns was the pressure and expectations of his very judgemental parents who viewed him as a tearaway and total failure because of his inability to conform into a steady career, despite various misguided attempts financed by them. Eventually, he found his own way in life. The rest, as they say, is history.

Your son will always have the memory of those tremendous travel experiences, which some may argue is money very well spent. He will have learnt a thing or two along the way, (even if just knocking back twenty five tequila shots with aplomb before collapsing).

In the 18th Century (and 19th C), wealthy families would send their children off to experience 'The Grand Tour' through Europe to learn about art and other civilisations (Paris, Italy & Greece) as part of rounding off their education. Seeing the World (or Europe, in those days) was viewed as important asset to developing sophistication and a Worldly attitude instead of remaining green and 'provincial.'

If I had £40K, do you think I'd be still be sitting here writing this shit?

Not a chance!