Is anyone’s marriage still “hot” after years of marriage? What is your secret?

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I divorced my first husband because we ended up becoming nothing more than roommates.

Just about to marry again at 32 and can’t say I’m not not fearful of history repeating itself.

Beyond making sure intimacy is regular. How can you maintain that flirty/hot energy. I know all relationships transition out of that passionate phase. But I definitely know some people who keep things a bit more spicy than most. If this is you. What is your secret? Any advice on keeping that chemistry?

Me too!

This 100%

It ebbs and flows, we’re busy and we have kids, but fundamentally we just really fancy each other. It’s luck more than anything - sadly I don’t think you can engineer it.

About to celebrate 20 years married. Our relationship is still spicy. We ebb and flow due to work schedules, studies (currently doing another degree), Some months it'll literally be once or nothing, other times several times a week. We are more about spontinaety and need. We are very vocal about feelings and when working away from each other message daily and are affectionate. It does take work, understanding and sometimes patience and a sense of humour.

Doing sport and sport competitions together helps. A lot.

Respect would be my main thing.

Not being treated like his mum or housekeeper would help too. Sexual attraction is based on your entire relationship, not the 15mn when you go to bed If a woman has to pick up dirty pants and socks, hear farting and burping, the chances to be aroused later are pretty slim.

What you didn't find attractive when you met, you probably wont' find attractive later on either. And it goes both ways.

Some people pretend they love being so comfortable they can slob around all day, use the loo when the other one is brushing his teeth - might work for them but it's a complete turn off for most of us.

You need to get creative and outside of your comfort zone. Explore first things together, first experiences, first sensations, watch certain videos together, read certain stories to one another or read the same book, at the same time . Be playful, create pet names etc lots of ways..

I wouldn’t say we have a “hot” marriage or that intimacy is top of the agenda, but we started to drift for a couple of years when DD was very little but pulled it back.

It was little changes really. Instead of sitting separately when we watched TV, we both sat on the sofa. We made time for actually siting together and talking over food a couple of times a week, and put phones to one side on an evening so we actually engaged with one another. We started to make time for activities like meals out and lunch together, not massively regularly but still had them to look forward to. We made time to do things we were passionate about separately in our own time and supported each other to do that, which meant we became more of the people we were when we met, rather than the people we became when life and routines got in the way.

I totally agree with this, I absolutely do not want my husband to be a spectator during my toilet breaks 😂

@Brantastic can I ask... Are you on the pill? I've read that sex drive in long term relationships dies when the woman is on the pill! I've never been able to take the pill and honestly I fancy everyone when I'm ovulating, including DH!

The answer to this isn't simple.

Because human sexuality and attraction is complicated.

I was in a long term relationship where it fizzled out and we were just roommates.

But now I've been married to a different man for 15 years and we still regularly have passionate sex, but that's also in with slow loving sex and quickie sex just because we want to feel good for a few minutes. Sometimes sex is planned, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes we go a week without, more often we don't.

But as a PP said, what's MORE important is the relationship. Sex is an extension of the relationship.
As pathetic as it might sound, MY husband turns ME on because he does half the chores and childcare without making me the household manager. If I raise a problem, he listens, he tries. He thinks about me, gets me treats on his way home, he's quick to takeover my side of things when I'm exhausted and tells me to go rest. He tells me he loves my body, even though time and kids have taken their toll.

He tries SO much.

And I know this isn't exactly the romance of the century, but I honestly feel even more intensely attracted to him now, now that I see who is he is as a person.

Sorry, that was a load of waffle

Well,I'm 75, DH 69, yup still got it, been together 37 years, second marriage for both..we laugh, I told him years ago he "laughed" me into bed.. I never went off sex with menopause which was at 42, or when I was pregnant or breastfeeding. First h was disgusted at the breastfeeding, turned off by my pregnant body..

When you've had a disagreement full on slanging match 🤭 don't let resentment linger. Talk through it when you're both calm again, understanding each other's perspective and respect that. Find a mutual middle ground, then move on and don't hark back to it the next time. Don't let resentment seethe or get buried under the surface, only to reemerge when you next have a disagreement. Resentment is a passion-killer.

Be the best version of yourself to them, don't save the best for other people. Likewise they should do the same. No harm in seeing the other person's faults and foibles, but don't let that be all you see. Give each other your finest moments, so neither of you forget why you were attracted in the first place.

That said....be realistic, none of us is perfect, so allow for the imperfection. Be magnanimous to each other.

have a sense of humour about things, be able to laugh at yourself. If the person you're with is trustworthy they shouldn't laugh at you unkindly nor you at them. Humour taking the piss is restorative in the right context,. My DH is someone who naturally doesn't take himself seriously, his self-deprecating humour is one of the things I was first attracted to. Who wants to be with a misery guts who can't laugh at themselves. Humans are stoopid, we do stoopid things!

Same age and issue post menopause but ny husband was very huffy saying I'd changed the terms and is thinking of divorce. 33 years married.

@MxCactus I am on the pill but have been for the last 20 years - I have wondered whether it's having an effect but surely I wouldn't have any interest if that was the case rather than losing interest after a year or so. It's frustrating!

I’ve been with DH for 26 years, married for 24. We have 4 Dc (under 11). We had kids after years of working hard, doing lots of stuff, travel, going out etc. we’ve had some real highs & real lows together, & kids have been tough on us & our relationship. However, we still talk, give each other space now if irritating each other. We have our own interests but prioritise family & each other above everything. We have regular sex, make an effort. Above all though, we have a chemistry. We don’t get any/rare kid free time too, grab what we can.

History often repeats itself.

Frequent sex. Don't wait until you have plenty of time.

Even if very tired, a quickie before sleeping is so much better for a relationship than no sex. And if getting turned on for a quickie is a challenge, build up to it during the day with a sexy text or whisper.

And if you're in the habit of having sex more days than not, then you're also more likely to find time for the lengthier, mind-blowing sex.

(Yes, I know many of us are tired. I care full time for 3 young children and have a serious illness. But sex is the most bonding activity there is, and marriage is important)

Oooh interesting - have a read of the book "everything changes on the pill" they found women in long term relationships went off sex completely when on the pill! And those not on the pill didn't.

I genuinely get really affected by ovulation, so I know it always makes me really fancy my partner at that time. Presumably on the pill that wouldnt happen, so relationships and sex would be different

Agreed. Married for 36 years and still feel romantic and connected and not at all like roommates. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, hugging is just as important as sex imo, though we still have that if a bit less frequently, but it is still good.

I’ve got the impression over the years that some women lose interest in sex once they feel their family is complete.

I stopped reading after this comment tbh, OP:

A marriage isn't roommate plus sex/intimacy its two people building a life together and facing lifes challenges together always making the other person's life better.

This poster nails it so succinctly as do many other posters on this thread.

My DH and I have been together since early 20s, now mid 40s, young and young-school age kids. It's not anywhere near as spicy as it was way back when, when we had the time, energy (lack of dependents) and finances to be spontaneous but it's nice different now, we lived a lot and grown together. We are each others world. Good different. It has peaks and troughs but always and I reiterate ALWAYS mutual respect and understanding.