Does anyone else’s husband think that he does everything round the house?

[Daisyfields101]

Dh works full time and I work part time. This means that I do the vast majority of the cleaning and housework.

I would include in this cleaning/dusting/vacuuming/mopping floors/changing bedding. The rooms tend to be done weekly and being a family of four and a large house, the house does get grubby quickly. Dh for example spills coffee everywhere, no one would think to wipe the sink round if it was looking a bit dusty or covered in toothpaste, everyone drops crumbs around. Stuff like that.

I also do a wash load each day, empty/load the dishwasher as and when needed, wiping kitchen worktops over, I plan the meals and order the food shop. I do 100% of school runs and any other school related stuff.

Dh does a fair bit of cooking, so do I but he probably does 70%, partly this is because I do clubs in the evening so Dh will cook while we are out, he will put a wash on if needed and he tidies up the kitchen often, but that tends to just be doing the dishwasher, he doesn’t really clean anything or wipe the worktops. He is a tradesman so he does most of our DIY too.

The dc also empty and load the dishwasher and eldest will put a wash on, they do help with cleaning in school holidays.

All mostly fine, but this usually comes up so we are both off work this week. I’m not feeling well and the house has become a tip.

Instead of dh getting on and having a bit of a clean and tidy he’s finding pointless jobs to do outside.

I don’t expect him to start turning the house upside down on his week off but just an hour would make a huge difference.

Instead he starts ranting on about how the house is a mess because he’s let it slip because usually he does everything. How he does all the washing and then starts naming how he did the washing at the weekend. Even though it’s now Thursday and I’ve done 2 more loads since then.

In his head he really does think that he does it all.

Find a way to leave him alone with the kids for a week

I think it’s statistically acknowledged/ proven in some way that this is the case.

Men will consistently over estimate the amount of housework etc they do - often saying it’s 50% or more when it’s more like 10. Women will underestimate how much they do - even when they know they’re doing more they might say it’s 60% when it’s really 80-90.

I don’t know how they have established this though!

Stop. Don't do any domestic work, for a week. Or longer if it takes him time to notice. He'll learn.

Stop doing all the things!

My husband tried this with me. I asked him how he thought the kitchen cabinet fronts got cleaned, How the fridge got cleared out and cleaned and skirting boards and doors got dusted if he had never done it. He didn’t have an answer. They really do believe their own BS and it’s infuriating.

Casually ask him if he could pop upstairs and bleach the loo. See what his reaction is.

Mine does more than half. I'm happy to let him get on with it

Ha snap. Mine occasionally will empty the bin in the kitchen, but would t even occur to him to empty any of the other household bins.

He will put ok a wash but will only pull his things out of the basket, and wash those, and will empty the dishwasher if he specifically asks to do it, otherwise he will open it, realise it needs emptying and close it and put his mug plate whatever in the fecking sink!!!

He would however tell everyone he is heavily involved in all aspects of ‘The House’.

He’s never cleaned a bathroom in 18 years together. Pisses me right off!

Stop doing everything you do and when he says something tell him how confused you are because wasnt he already doing everything?

Men can be delusional about chores. Not all men but definitely some.

We both announce what we've done! I think it started as a 'you can't beat them, join them' thing on my part (DH really does pull his weight, but has always been annoyingly smug about it) but actually now I quite like it - I enjoy announcing 'I have done the hoovering' and having a sense that I am justly gaining my moment in the sun!

There was an article once about the Obamas. One saturday Barrack followed Michelle round the house with a notepad amd was amazed all the things she did that he wasn't even aware of. What a husband wanting to understand the load and do something about it

A study should be made into the thought process behind emptying the bin, but not putting a new bin bag in.

Its almost unbelievable.

Yes, and these issues are very often related to.

Absolutely! I am astounded each and every time….

My husband is the same - very good at tidying after himself as he goes but anything he misses is left for me, as well as tidying up after myself and child, most of the cleaning, emptying the kitchen bins, more laundry and any recycling he leaves behind etc. He cooks dinner most nights and thinks that’s equivalent to everything I do. I don’t think he realises how much cleaning / dusting actually needs done.

My husband will:

Load dishwasher if he's the last one to eat.
Unload in morning if he's down before me
Wipe down kitchen counters after eating
Do the bins
And morning school run most mornings.

That is it. He doesn't know how to use the washing machine.

I walked in the door one evening to this proclamation:

"I just cleaned the whole house! It's never been this clean since we bought it 20 years ago! Why aren't you remark on the sparkling clean of the house?"

DH had dusted half the living room, picked up a few boxes in the dining room and washed the dishes in the kitchen, then mopped the kitchen floor. All in all, a good day's cleanup, similar in time and scope to what I do EVERY DAY with no announcement.

What a terrible wife, I didn't even plan the great man a decent parade.

I actually do this from time to time 😳
There is no thought process behind it at all, what happens is that I take the bin out and then don't go back to where the bin is straight away and so forget I haven't done that step. Usually what happens is I then return to the room with the bin later and think 'oh, I never put a new bag in'. Sometimes I return later and find DH has put the new bag in the meantime, presumably while cursing me.
To answer the obvious question: I don't put the new bag in before taking the old one out because I have a (maybe irrational) fear of the bin bag splitting and so minimise time between removing it from the bin and getting it in the outside bin.

This does remind me of my husband. He does get up earlier than me most days and one of the things he does is empty the dishwasher and start reloading with any additional dirty dishes on the side. He will then announce that he has “cleaned the kitchen”! Errr…no you haven’t!

We also had a situation about a month ago where our dishwasher broke down and was out of action for a couple of weeks. At one point he actually had the nerve to bring up with me that he felt he was doing “all the washing up”. This confusion arose because when I did the washing up, (lots of it!) I also dried up, put away and wiped down the surfaces leaving no actual evidence (apart from the clean stuff in the cupboards!)

By comparison, he would leave his (badly) washed stuff stacked precariously and dripping all over the draining board and worktop and pools of water on the floor and then announcing and congratulating himself for doing “all the dishes”.

What is it with men and their announcements? It’s like he’s expecting eternal gratitude or an award for doing jobs that I do continuously and quietly every day!

Yes, emptying and loading the dishwasher is not ‘cleaning the kitchen’.

When I clean the kitchen I scrub the sink, wipe the hob, clean the microwave, wipe the cupboard fronts, wipe the bin, mop the floor, sometimes do the knife and fork drawer, put any washing up away, refill the handwash.

Il not saying those jobs need doing every day, they might be ok e a week. But even for a basic evening clean I’d at least wipe the worktops and put the washing up away. Not, as you say, leave a badly done pile of soaking washing up or just load a dishwasher and announce it done.

I should say that my DH is pretty good around the house, but certainly not as wonderful as he thinks he is and nowhere near the half he likes to claim. And he does have an infuriating habit of either over egging what he has done or unduly claiming full credit for something!

He will do a decent amount of the big, obvious and visible stuff such as the dishwasher, emptying the kitchen bin, taking the bins round the front, most garden/DIY stuff and we probably split the cooking 50:50 (although he does more at the weekend).

But he wouldn’t even have a clue that some of the stuff I do is even a thing…such as cleaning dishwasher filters, emptying bedroom/bathroom bins, cleaning bins, clearing plug holes, mopping floors, cleaning cleaning cloths, descaling appliances, cleaning ovens/dishwasher/washing machine, household stock checks to ensure we don’t run out of things etc.

I also do 100% of the laundry - washing, drying and putting away (he doesn’t even know how to use the washing machine), almost 100% of the meal planning and food shopping, the vast majority of the ‘mental load’ is on me and I have never in 20 years seen him dust, hoover or clean the bathroom.

And while I’m on a rant, he will also claim that he is the one that makes the DC’s packed lunches. While it is true that he usually physically puts the food in the lunchboxes, I am the one that batch cooks from scratch the soups, pasta sauces, quiche, sausage rolls and sandwich fillings that actually go in their lunches…and yet he will claim the credit! 😤

YANBU
I overheard my husband telling a female friend that I wasn’t pulling my weight around the house because I was training for a marathon and not prioritising the house. The truth of the matter was i was working part time, the kids were young, I was still doing everything else but instead of him just having to do the washing up, he was having to make dinner 2-3 times a week as well. That was me not pulling my weight, him having to cook dinner a couple of times a week.

i told him I did not appreciate being lied about behind my back and I couldn’t believe he was pulling this bullshit. We got past it. I’ve never forgotten it though.

I'm dreading going back to work after maternity leave for this reason - DH works from home and does a lot, but I definitely do a hell of a lot more.

The most annoying thing he does is moan that I never take the bins out. I don't, it's a smelly physical task and I've either been pregnant or attached to a small child for the last 4 years straight. But I had to remind him that it's not the fairies who have been ironing, folding and putting away clothes for all of us during this time. I don't think he knows where the kids clothes live at all, in fact.

I should say he does cook, clean etc but like many PPs I have to plan everything we're eating - send him a shopping list, tell him what needs doing, blah blah. I just want to disappear sometimes for a week or so and see how he copes, but I worry the kids won't have anything to eat or wear...

if he does think that way he certainly wouldn’t be brave enough to voice it 😁
He is pretty good though. He does all the cooking and is very good at what I call surface cleaning
hoovering, washing up etc.
He doesn’t deep clean, although if I asked he would. I went away with a friend last weekend. During the train journey home he rang and asked if I would like a roast dinner making. I then mentioned to my friend that I was looking forward to being in my own bed and that whenever I go away he always changes the sheets so it’s nice for me to get into. Friend was amazed that a man would even think about doing that. She jokingly said “do you think he’s trying to hide something by changing the sheets (another woman) but I had also left him our five children so no time for shenanigans. I guess he’s a keeper.

My dh does the food shopping and all cooking. He also thinks he does everything.