Does anyone else’s husband think that he does everything round the house?

[Daisyfields101]

Dh works full time and I work part time. This means that I do the vast majority of the cleaning and housework.

I would include in this cleaning/dusting/vacuuming/mopping floors/changing bedding. The rooms tend to be done weekly and being a family of four and a large house, the house does get grubby quickly. Dh for example spills coffee everywhere, no one would think to wipe the sink round if it was looking a bit dusty or covered in toothpaste, everyone drops crumbs around. Stuff like that.

I also do a wash load each day, empty/load the dishwasher as and when needed, wiping kitchen worktops over, I plan the meals and order the food shop. I do 100% of school runs and any other school related stuff.

Dh does a fair bit of cooking, so do I but he probably does 70%, partly this is because I do clubs in the evening so Dh will cook while we are out, he will put a wash on if needed and he tidies up the kitchen often, but that tends to just be doing the dishwasher, he doesn’t really clean anything or wipe the worktops. He is a tradesman so he does most of our DIY too.

The dc also empty and load the dishwasher and eldest will put a wash on, they do help with cleaning in school holidays.

All mostly fine, but this usually comes up so we are both off work this week. I’m not feeling well and the house has become a tip.

Instead of dh getting on and having a bit of a clean and tidy he’s finding pointless jobs to do outside.

I don’t expect him to start turning the house upside down on his week off but just an hour would make a huge difference.

Instead he starts ranting on about how the house is a mess because he’s let it slip because usually he does everything. How he does all the washing and then starts naming how he did the washing at the weekend. Even though it’s now Thursday and I’ve done 2 more loads since then.

In his head he really does think that he does it all.

I think this is a common problem TBH. Men seem to think HW does itself! Mines had a shock now ,I have been ill and hes had to step up! Cannot believe the washing . hes always hoovered and washed up .But has got a Dishwasher now.LOL

I’m in the same boat. He’s recently mentioned how all his friends have taken up golf but he wouldn’t have the time and I felt a bit bad - but then realised I wouldn’t have time time either so I shouldn’t!

I don’t have a husband. But I do have a DP who does far more than half so I’m keeping quiet!

Isn't this a proven phenomenon? Men think the split is 40 them 60 women, women think its 30:70 but its actually 20:80

I can't believe some people find this funny, it would give me the absolute rage if someone thought they were doing my share when I was actually doing theirs. Like at work if I'd contributed more to a project and a colleague claimed to management that they did most of it and I'd just helped, most people would be really angry. But at home people just put up with it.

We do tasks pretty equally.

Never understood the commentary bit.

If there are two adults in the house and I know I didn’t do xyz cleaning, why would you need to tell me you did it?

Simple logic. Annoys me.

I don’t announce what I do because it’s obvious what I’ve done because there isn’t anything to be done more often than not.

I do wonder about the thought process involved in only half asking some tasks.
Cleaning up after dinner. About 80% of items washed. Other 20% just left on counter (why?). Counters not wiped. Food from meal still in pan on hob. Items taken out of clean dishwasher left on counter top.
I do not understand it at all, surely it is easier just to do it properly.

Yes! I find myself finishing, closing the loops on his tasks because he doesn’t fully finish them. Empty the bins, but not put a bag in. Empty the dishwasher but put wet dishes on top of dry ones. The need to soak pots overnight when they don’t even need 20 minutes of soaking. I wish he was the clean as to go type. I wouldn’t care otherwise if he wasn’t blocking my own usage of the kitchen.

He is definitely ND but I notice he doesn’t have the issue when it’s things he wants to do. Many people don’t like chores but they still do them properly.

I showed my husband a link to a study that showed that NOBODY uses more mental effort than a mum in the first few years of child rearing. Not presidents, not CEOs, not surgeons, not rockets scientists.

His response? "I feel like that sometimes".

THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT WAS THAT YOU DON'T AND CAN'T, NUMBNUTS.

But I stand by my earlier point that my husband probably does spend about 40-45% of the time I spend doing tasks. Just really badly, the wrong ones, and without multitasking, so he feels like he's doing more.

Because me and the 2yo sorted the laundry together, the 2yo helped me cook, and the 2yo helped me tidy up too.

So I sit on my arse whilst he's doing his (badly chosen, overdone) tasks.

Honestly, it's so much better not to live with ANY man.

I woke up the other day and wondered at what point had I agreed that I would be responsible for all the mental load - planning, anticipating needs,ball admin etc alongside working a stressful corporate job where I do a FT role in 4 days and he got to have "the career" which means he's not responsible for any thought process outside of his work We had a massive row and he actually said "well you go and get a job that pays £xyz like me and see how stressful that is." I honestly believe he thinks he does everything around the house and makes all the money and doesn't see that the reason he's as successful as he is in his job is because he has been completely facilitated at home over the last 10 years.

We would both have time for golf, but we don't care to do it.

To pp wondering why they get running commentary, speaking for myself, it's to make him think I really am pulling my weight. They're not stupid, you know, these "incompetent" husbands.

My DH tried once to claim he feels like a single parent (2 upper primary aged children) because he does everything (I'm chronically ill, so limited in what I can do). I put him straight and he's never tried it again!
I do a huge amount from my bed......and keep on top of the washing. We have a cleaner who also now does the ironing!

Mine once pointed out he did 3 out of 5 school runs. I reminded him that they do need picking up again occasionally - he was actually doing 3 out 10 school runs. I won that battle, but he hasn’t followed the same logic through to other tasks unfortunately.

When people complain about being single, I often reflect that my easiest living situation was living alone.

I used the same plate for every meal, and washed it afterwards, same pan every day. The kitchen always looked immaculate.

All my clothes were stored nicely because all of the storage space was mine. If something was out of place, it was because I left it out of place and it was my choice to leave it so.

When you live with someone, you could say that the tasks halve, but not really. Because I don't leave my husband's books lying around, there are products I never use but have to store. We generally agree on the meal we eat, but I can't just eat exactly what I want every night.

I'm not saying that cohabiting doesn't have it's advantages. But I had such an easy time without my husband in the mix last week. I can keep me and the 2yo in order no problem, but an autonomous adult can't be organised like a 2yo can.

We had friends due over and I had had to go out beforehand. I got back and DP said "I have cleaned around all the light switches". The bathroom was grubby and the hoovering needed doing.

Mine is fully aware how good he has it!

I think some of this might be not accounting for what "the housework" fully involves - my DH does do around half of the chores of the types that he participates in at all (laundry, cooking etc), but also appears generally blissfully unaware of the other hundred or so tiny cleaning/tidying things that also occur unless they are pointed out to him specifically.

YAnBu, but you need to tell him (because sadly men seem to have the inability to spot shit that needs doing).

Mine thinks he does about 80% more than he actually does, but if certain things need doing I send him a list which he does without complaint. I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to avoid things, he just doesn’t notice things that I do.

If you need to ram the point home, make a list for a couple of weeks of all the jobs you do (even minor things like wiping the work surface) and all the jobs he’s done, then present it with a flourish.

I've found, because I tend to clean as I go, that I am constantly doing little 5 minute cleaning jobs that DH and our children are completely unaware of.

DH believes that he is just incredibly clean, doesn't make a mess, and always cleans up after himself. No, mate, I came in the kitchen 2 minutes after you left and cleaned up after you. He also insists that I am the untidy one, despite the fact that I am constantly picking up after other people.

We have had Conversations about this many many times.

How is it possible that more than one person has thought this…! Unbelievable.

In tasks where it’s no quantifiable I can see how much each does could be a bit subjective… but the school run…!

After I left abusive exDP, he emailed me to say that my claims of abuse were all lies and on top of that, I had never done any DIY. True, I certainly hadn’t done much DIY, but I felt like replying that part of his abuse was pretending every Saturday that I didn’t exist when I asked him to pick up his shoes, letters and other crap off the lounge floor so I could hoover. (The DCs tidied up their stuff). Absolutely ridiculous behaviour! He also used to make a point of walking round the kitchen in his muddy wellies while I was cleaning the floor. In his email, he also had the nerve to write that I had been lazy about housework.

Same here! DP always offers to 'nip to the dump' when I say the house needs sorting..
He basically sits in the dump queue on his phone and comes back a hero.

Omg yes. I’ve told this on here before, but I still remember the time he stood there telling the Tesco delivery driver how I do absolutely nothing around the house and he does everything, he said all this with a straight face whilst I was lugging the crates of shopping up the kitchen to empty, from the order that I placed, that I would be putting away once the driver left and I would be the one using it to make lunches and cook every dinner. The driver looked at me and then back at him as if to say “what the fuck”.

He definitely thinks it’s true though. We both work full time. I did everything with the kids as they’ve grown up, I do almost all the cooking (if he ever cooks he expects and asks me to help), I’m the one who puts stuff away when he/the kids leave it lying around, I pick up the rubbish and plates they leave lying around and throw it away/load the dishwasher, I clean the bathrooms and give them the daily wipe around, I empty the bins from the various rooms, I sort the bedding to be washed (or it would never be done) re-make the beds, etc, etc. He does do most of the laundry, and will occasionally do a bit of clearing up in the kitchen at the weekend. In his view this is everything because just doesn’t see all the bits that I do. As for mental load - I can’t remember the last time he booked parents evening appointments, or sorted drs/debtist/eye tests for the kids, sorted their lunches, topped up school cards with funds for lunches at school or any of the other million and one mental load things. I took the kids away on a camping trip as he didn’t have the annual leave. He complained he wanted to go so I suggested he book somewhere to take them in the summer. He said good idea. I reminded him multiple times and finally a week before his time off he asked me if I could find him and book him something because I was so much better at it than him. You know, from that ONE time I did it. He has never booked a holiday for us. I don’t think he’s ever booked anything for us to do. I guess it all just happens by magic…

My XH used to maintain he did at least 50%. He did about 5% but conveniently averted his eyes from jobs that needed to be done but that that were invisible - ie could be done without anyone noticing. Like wiping down the sides, cleaning out the fridge, ordering the online shop. He would only do the performative jobs, pushing the hoover around (but not the stairs because nobody would have seen him doing it) or walking the dog. Then he'd collapse, exhausted. But behind a closed door? Not a finger was lifted.

Oh that really made me laugh 🤣

We explicitly take a lot of the regular jobs in turns. One washes up, the other does bedtime. Alternate getting up with DC for school and making lunch, who takes to Brownies...Laundry gets put on in the morning by who ever is up.
Dc's sports lesson is next to the supermarket so one does the class the other the food shop if it's needed, turns putting it away. Cooking tea just whoever gets round to it first but if one person has done several in a row they can say "it's your turn."

Household admin and dusting he does more but car and child related jobs like the mot or new clothes is more me.

It's not mega rigid or as petty as it might sound - if I am out late on my washing up night he'll just do it, and vice versa. But a lot of these jobs are dull and need doing day after day so swapping makes it less dreary. As well as fairer.

Yep! I just get on with the housework in bits through the day but he has to turn it into a Big Thing if he does it. He also talks about planning to do it, then finally gets round to doing it, followed by talking about what he has done! Like he wants a sticker for doing it!