DD friend MUM pushing for sleepovers

[Travelfairy]

My DD friend Mum who I am reasonably friendly with myself i suspect keeps getting her DD to pressure mine about having sleepovers....

Its something I am not comfortable with and I have said this to the Mum. She leaves it a couple of months and then asks again which I find irritating.

Anyway last week she send me a msg saying that her DD wants a play date with mine tomorrow but she has a dentist appt so her DD 'can go to yours'. I replied i heard nothing of a play date and sorry I cant take her as I WFH and had 2 important meetings scheduled.

She hasn't any in laws/parents available locally to take her kids for overnights (she has 3) and i think she is trying to get a sleepover situation going so she can get me to take her kids when she wants to go away with her DH.

AIBU to think this is cheeky? How would you deal with it? She has form for this type of thing, constantly asking me for favours but never reciprocating! She asked my DH to help design a website for her business as she 'didnt want to pay anyone' and one day rang me at work asking could I drive to hers to pick up her kids and drop to school as her car wouldnt start. Its a 15-20 mins drive from my workplace. I didnt as couldnt leave work but I thought that was also cheeky!

But this sleepover thing is really annoying me because she knows how I feel about them but is pushing the issue indirectly through her DD.

mil passed away many years ago. And yes of course I will allow her to stay with mum on her own, just haven't needed to yet. Mum is not in great health and she would find a 5 year old quite hard work but she would do it

Keep saying no. We are not doing sleepovers. Repeat. Tell DD it doesn't happen unless the adults both agree so any plans she makes with her friend won't necessarily happen. Repeat.

Totally agree with this. No need to be rude.
just say ‘sorry, we’re busy that day’ or ‘I have to work’, ‘we don’t host sleepovers as Alice doesn’t like them’,

Re the website, no way! She needs a flat no to that one. Unless she pays him the going rate.

In our household we have often helped others, then had someone try to abuse that help and almost think we are here to be at their convenience, which is a definite no! Everybody has 'coin' they can use in helping others, this woman has poorly used yours, so clarity is needed and that is ensuring you repeat no till it sinks it, which it will, but sadly slowly in those that only take from others.

So we can all impose absolutely any restrictions we like upon our children, according to our whim, with no justification whatsoever? Followed to ita logical conclusion, that chain of thought justifies abuse.

I too think you need to actually consider WHY you won't allow sleepovers, which are a hugely enjoyable aspect of childhood for most kids. It's NOT all about you, and being a mom doesn't make you an omnipotent deity entitled to impose any restrictions you fancy on your children.

And most of the suggestions on here for how to speak to/message this woman are incredibly rude, and would make you look insane. Please think about the impact on your daughter's social life going forwards, before sending them.

There is a prevailing wisdom on some parts of Mumsnet that it's important to be entirely selfish, and aggressively rebuff anybody who has the temerity to ask you to do anything that might even slightly inconvenience you.....

In the real world, you might want to consider setting a good example for your children, by responding to others with dignity, kindness and compassion. And observing usual social.conventuons of politeness.

Good luck.

Perhaps things have changed since my children were at primary school (they are now 28 and 26) but I would have been very surprised at the parents of a 9 year old not being comfortable with sleepovers.

Would your daughter like to have one? If not, obviously it’s not an issue, but if she would I don’t know why you wouldn’t agree to it as an occasional thing - perhaps once a term on a Friday night.

It seems much more likely that it is the daughter rather than the mother who is pushing the idea. Mine loved sleepovers at that age (and indeed much younger). I also think it is unlikely that the friend’s mother would expect her other children to attend. Never once in my children’s sleepover years did anyone ask if their other children could join in. If she did, it would be very easy to say no!

More generally, I suspect she will keep asking unless you make it very clear that you are not happy for your children to have sleepovers until secondary age (or 13/14/ever). You need to make clear what your rules are and then if she asks again you can remind her. At the moment she is assuming that at some point you will agree.

The other things mentioned are cheeky and therefore easier to say no to.

This for example. This poster is suggesting you taunt and bully her.....

@ Ilovelurchers-
The OP doesn’t feel comfortable about letting her child do sleepovers, and that’s a perfectly reasonable stance to take. We all parent our DC as we see fit - and sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight, even realise it might have been better to have done something differently. Just because some parents allow sleepovers and you clearly think they’re a good idea doesn’t mean that everyone has to. My Dd went through a phase of going for sleepovers and then demanding to be brought home - would you have suggested I just insisted that she went?
As for what to say to other parents, how often does the OP have to say no before the penny drops for her thick-skinned fellow parent? The OP has been very polite so far, and clearly needs to send the message a little more strongly. Some people are just CFs.

Its obvious that she is angling for childcare and school pick ups/ drop offs @Travelfairy
Lol at the DD wants a playdate but Im at the dentist message
CF territory
Send a firm message that you dont do sleepovers
I would archive her chat and stop replying
She will then move onto someone else.

I'm just going to answer your first question: parents should do what they think is best for their child. To equate that with "abuse" is silly.

We've seen parents justifying not agreeing to sleepovers by - for example - saying they don't feel assured their children will be safe in the other house.

Quite why you're so massively invested in other people's kids staying overnight elsewhere I cannot fathom.

Indeed. Knowledge is power!

The article highlights empowering the kids to be able to speak up and push back should abuse be attempted.

👍🏻

Perhaps things have changed since my children were at primary school (they are now 28 and 26) but I would have been very surprised at the parents of a 9 year old not being comfortable with sleepovers.

I was raped at 10 years old by my best friend's older brother. I never told my parents.

Op we have just had a blanket 'We don't do sleepovers' whenever anyone has asked.

Edited to add I find the idea that if only I was 'empowered' I would have been able to stop it from happening (he was much bigger and stronger than me) or wouldn't have felt the deep shame that stopped me from telling my relaxed loving parents, a bit laughable.

I was a little girl, the only thing that would have kept me safe from that predator was being at home in my own bed.

Absolutely awful Cankerousa. It’s more common than people think. I agree it’s a real risk, more so if you know nothing about the family. We didn’t do many. There are so many other chances for your dc to share a room with cousins and family friends with you in the house.

I’m so, so sorry @Cankerousaits unthinkable what happened to you

I'm so sorry to hear this. Having heard stories like this is why I have a blanket no sleepovers too. I had sleepovers at my friends when I was younger and also had my friends over. I was one of the lucky ones. But why can't we learn from the past? Even if it just happened to one person like you is enough for me to say no & never. So thank you for being brave and saying this i hope & pray that you can get some healing now and know that you sharing your story will stop any risk of that happeni g to my daughter, and hopefully many more innocent children too x

Perhaps just text "no" one more time. Then ignore all subsequent messages. Let her sit with her CF-ery and hopefully she'll feel uncomfortable herself. She'll move on to her next victim.

I'd put her on mute or archived (I think it's called that on Whatsapp?) and then maybe only read her messages once a month-ish. Or never.

If she confronts you in the playground, you can say honestly, 'Oh! Sorry. Didn't see your message.'

Sounds like my sister - it’s irritating. My children won’t be sleeping out as children. Their friends will be welcome to ours IF there parents are happy with that

I am so so sorry for the ordeal you have gone through. This is exactly the reason I dont allow them....

Anyway last week she send me a msg saying that her DD wants a play date with mine tomorrow but she has a dentist appt so her DD 'can go to yours'. I replied i heard nothing of a play date and sorry I cant take her as I WFH and had 2 important meetings scheduled.

I don't really understand this bit of your post but if you don't want to have her DD for a play date or sleepover just say no and keep doing it. People like this have no shame so don't you be embarrassed to say no.

This woman is a cheeky fucker, I’d probably start ignoring her.

I had a crap 'friend' like this. She called me and said 'What are you up to?", then when I told her she would say "Great, you're close to my house. Can you grab something and bring it here...." Because she had asked what I was doing, it was difficult to say no. I started replying that I was sooooo busy working and just flat out. Our kids were friends, but when we changed schools, I never contacted her again. I would avoid this woman and just be extremely busy at all times. Hopefully your daughter will find a different friend to be close to soon.

lol What do you mean you “can’t work out the reason” OP doesn’t want sleepovers?

Surely this is sarcasm!?

Sleepovers can be very intimate - when it comes to school friends, the whole concept is ludicrous to me. Unless you know the family extremely well, it doesn’t make sense. For me to allow my children to sleep over at someone’s house, I need to know their habits. From personal hygiene to meal prep, the home has to be known to me before my child can lay their head there at night, for me to sleep soundly in my own home.

I can’t work out the desire to allow sleepovers, which involves trusting someone (you’re not related to + potentially not close to) with your child overnight. So strange.

Tell her you don't do sleepovers.

@Thesimpleway couldn’t agree more. It’s a bizarre concept