DD friend MUM pushing for sleepovers

[Travelfairy]

My DD friend Mum who I am reasonably friendly with myself i suspect keeps getting her DD to pressure mine about having sleepovers....

Its something I am not comfortable with and I have said this to the Mum. She leaves it a couple of months and then asks again which I find irritating.

Anyway last week she send me a msg saying that her DD wants a play date with mine tomorrow but she has a dentist appt so her DD 'can go to yours'. I replied i heard nothing of a play date and sorry I cant take her as I WFH and had 2 important meetings scheduled.

She hasn't any in laws/parents available locally to take her kids for overnights (she has 3) and i think she is trying to get a sleepover situation going so she can get me to take her kids when she wants to go away with her DH.

AIBU to think this is cheeky? How would you deal with it? She has form for this type of thing, constantly asking me for favours but never reciprocating! She asked my DH to help design a website for her business as she 'didnt want to pay anyone' and one day rang me at work asking could I drive to hers to pick up her kids and drop to school as her car wouldnt start. Its a 15-20 mins drive from my workplace. I didnt as couldnt leave work but I thought that was also cheeky!

But this sleepover thing is really annoying me because she knows how I feel about them but is pushing the issue indirectly through her DD.

Her friend has a habit of expecting a lot for nothing, if OP says yes to one sleepover that’s it she’s going to be expected every week!

Because she's the parent and she doesn't want it.

It’s not being controlling, it’s called being safety conscious. Not all parents and children are comfortable with sleepovers.
Unless you know the other parents very well I’d say you’re lax it allowing it.

Nail on head!

This, thank you!

I agree, from how you describe her, that she is probably wanting to start sleepovers in order to get free childcare going forward.
Pushy people can be so 'clever' and manipulative.

Continue to hold firm and yes, start to phase out your responses.

In other circumstances, I think sleepovers can be a great bonding experience, especially for girls.

Im only okay with having DDs friend over to sleep now they are teenagers. 9 is too young. They are still very dependant and having them stay the night wasn't something I was okay with.

Different now they are teens. They just hang out in her room, make themselves crumpets for breakfast, walk to the local McDonald's for dinner, that kinda thing. They basically look after themselves.

So do perverts!

Op, I've had similar because I'm a SAHM and apparently community childcare except I just shoot them down. Someone tried sleepovers with me but I just said we aren't a sleepover house so not to bother asking either way.

Did you say she’s your friend? And she has no help from family or anything?

I don’t know how I’d manage with no family help so if I was a friend then I probably would help with occasional childcare like the odd play date. Not when working. But it must be hard having no one. With sleepover I’d say it won’t be happening at all.

I would definitely not say yes to any sleepover if you don’t want to go down this road. However I think a lot of the responses suggested above are unnecessarily rude. (I just don’t think there is any point at all in being rude to someone you may well have on the fringes of your life for years.)

So every time she suggests it I would just immediately message back saying ‘Sorry, we don’t do sleepovers. Have a good day.’ And in response to the ‘self-invitation’- ‘Sorry, that doesnt work for us. Best wishes.’ No need to give a reason, ever. Just one straightforward sentence of complete refusal, followed by a meaningless polite noise. Every single time.

Being rude to someone ups the emotional ante and in a way gets you more embroiled with them rather than less.

Why are you not comfortable with a sleepover? Is it because you think she will keep asking?

Does your daughter actually want one?

Could you start off that? Your daughter sleeps at hers and then her friend comes to yours?

That’s if you want to start sleepovers I can’t work out the reason you don’t want them unless it is the fact that she will keep asking Once you’ve done one and then you just say no

”As I have mentioned previously, I am not comfortable with dd hosting or attending sleepovers. This is not something I am going to have a change of heart on and would therefore appreciate it if you respect my stance and stop asking.”

Both! I am not comfortable with sleepovers for a variety of reasons. I dont believe primary school kids are missing out if they dont have them.

Also, even if I were to 'give in' then I would become the go to for having her 3 kids here on a semi regularly basis and I am not down for that.

You’re a patient woman , because I would 💯 have fallen out with her by now .
I can’t deal with people who are so forward & down right rude .
Asking for a play date at your house ,
Is she actually for real !! .
Asking for your husbands help so she doesn’t have to pay .
I know you’ve her told time & time again where you stand when it comes to sleepovers , but message her , say it straight out how it’s really starting to annoy you & it ends here now , there will be NO SLEEP OVERS !

Shut them down more firmly. When her DD asks you say "I'm not going to agree to sleepovers, I have told your mum that but I guess she hasn't passed it on."

When mum asks "I'm not up for sleepovers. Maybe one day but no time soon and definitely not in primary school."

She would be taking the piss to bugger off for a night away too - she should stay nearby in case needed.

Well you wouldn’t as you would say no if you didn’t want them every week etc

i just wondered if your dd had said she wanted to sleepover or have one and why friend keeps saying it

Agree. In addition her continually raising it may result in your daughter getting excited about the potential of a sleepover. If so, you’ll be battling on two fronts.

I don't understand why some people think you're unreasonable about this. If others want to do it - crack on. But implying it's somehow 'the law' for parents is just ridiculous.

Your house, your child, your DECISION.

Ergh I’ve dealt with these pushy types before, they are the worst.

As mentioned above, my strategy has always been to be totally unavailable and very slow to respond. I won’t answer their call and next time I see them say ‘ah sorry, I can’t use my phone at work (true!)’. I’ll take days to respond to messages, and I’ll always be busy.

They eventually get the hint and then move onto someone else who they try to bully. Remember that they don’t care about you or your DD, you are just a means to an end.

My 9 year olds friends are often pestering me about sleepovers! I’d never assume it was their mums pushing that. We have had a few, but I’m not up for regular sleepovers so I just say ‘no’ most of the time. I am happy to help out other mums though. Have been asked to have kids over when parents are working late, or pick them up when parents are stuck in traffic. No problem. And it’s good to know that I can also call on these mums for help when I need it.

Your reply to the play date was fine. I’d stick to small sentences like that. “We don’t do sleepovers, I have told you that.” “I can’t, I’m working.” Etc. Drop the sorry’s imo.

I would and her why is she pushing for free childcare. No means no

Agree with this, stop the sorry’s, no need to apologise for her being a cheeky sod.

You know, the first time being direct is the hardest, but I swear once the first is out of the way, it's easier.

The Mum is texting me directly and asking in person. I'm not assuming anything. Also I have helped her out on countless occasions in numerous ways, not just childcare, not once has she returned the favour!