Grave visiting on birthdays

[TsunamiSurfer]

genuinely unsure how I feel about this…

my brother died 6 years ago, today would have been his 50th birthday.

his grave is in a rather secluded spot in the countryside.

my friend, who I met post his passing, walked circa 2.5 miles to visit my brothers grave today to “pay his respects to my brother”

I know this because I drive past him on the road on the country lane near my parents house, stopped the car, said hi and asked why he was in this neck of the woods.

i genuinely didn’t know what to say, he knows me very well, has also lost a sibling but he never ever met my brother.

I was on my way to visit my brothers grave and lay flowers and personal momentos.

Essentially, my friend is the first person to have visited my brothers grave on his 50th birthday, having never ever known or met him.

it feels intrusive, but that’s why I’m posting here, because maybe my grief and the weight of today is clouding me..

for added context I’ve been married for 25 years, my husband and two of my kids knew my brother…

Grief is terrible op.

i think your friend did a nice thing.

2.5 miles there, same back… so a 5 mile round trip, the road where we met is unavoidable so to speak… I think he wanted me to know what he’d done…

I think it’s a little odd but maybe he’s a bit bored and thought it was a nice thing to do for you.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
this is why I posted … grief isn’t always helpful in these scenarios

That’s weird

I'm not sure what you are asking what you ABU about or not, so haven't voted.

It does sound a strange thing to do.
I mean, I don't 'get' what some many people get from visiting graves of loved ones - I feel nothing there - but I understand many people do. It seems bizarre to go and 'pay respects' to someone you've never met though, other than in an ancestor search type of way maybe.

The only thing I can think was they wanted to get out for a walk and the grave was the sort of distance they wanted to walk ??? But that does seem to be clutching at straws. I'd find it really strange if a friend I'd met since my brother died told me they went to visit his grave.

Ok, maybe I’m a big cynic but I think it’s a bit odd. If he’d wanted to support you then maybe an appropriate message or some flowers or offer of a coffee. To visit your brothers grave (having never met him) seems unusual to me.

Although the fact that you’ve asked the question suggests that you also think it’s a little odd so maybe trust your instincts.

You said he'd also lost a sibling. Is his sibling's grave nearby? I guess I kind of wondered whether maybe it was a bit of a substitute for being able to visit his own brother's grave.

People often struggle to know how to support grieving friends. It's slightly strange, but probably he thought he was doing something kind or trying to connect with your loss. We do strange things when grieving, and we also do strange things when seeking connection.

Do you not like this friend? It seems like a rather mean-spirited interpretation of a slightly odd gesture. I mean, the road there might be unavoidable, but you could have visited the grave at any point during daylight hours, so it seems pretty unlikely he did it to be seen. Plus, you might have just thought he was put for a walk, surely?

I agree, OP - it seems a bit weird - almost stalkery.

Sounds like a reflective time for him. Maybe you'd never have known he'd done it if you hadn't seen him and asked. Is he (could he be without your knowing?) religious? A Catholic might go to say a prayer at your brother's grave out of friendship for you and from their own personal and private belief.

He obviously really likes you and wants to understand a bit of your grief or make a connection between his lost sibling and yours.

I am sorry you lost your brother so young and I hope you and your friend are both comforted for the loss of your siblings. I suspect his own loss has marked him and made him more conscious of yours.

Does he generally do 5mile walks or was that out if character?

If he normally has a daily walk of similar distance, knows what losing a sibling feels like and thought he would do it cause he cares about you.

Do you have a reason to behave this is performative or he has some other ulterior motive other than he thought he was doing a nice thing?

Yes, this would weird me out too. If he wanted to be nice he could have asked if you would like him to go with you for moral support. This comes off as performative. Maybe I’m a dick but I’d be questioning whether he has ulterior motives.

A thing people would do in my culture is visit graves and leave flowers or clean them up a little so that closer family will know that someone else is thinking of them. This is always lovely to see, when you get to a grave. I can see that if you aren't used to it this kind of thing might be strange to you, but it might be reassuring to know that there are explanations that might be familiar to your friend.

I'm sure if he has ulterior motives of wanting to show off or get clingy or stalky they will show up independent of visiting a grave. So I wouldn't jump to judge him for this, especially if I didn't know for sure about any religious beliefs or cultural background that might make visiting a grave more normal for him. At worst I would wait and see.

I would find this odd, even if he had known your brother and even odder given that he never met your brother! Surely he should realise that family visit people's graves on anniversaries and birthdays and it's respectful to stay away so that the family can visit in peace. I lost a sister when I was young and my parents were involved in The Compassionate Friends, an organisation for bereaved parents. We met lots of other bereaved families and would send cards & flowers on special days, or pop in and visit them at home if they wanted it (some didn't). We never went to the graves of other families loved ones. I wouldn't dream of doing that unless specifically asked to.

That is odd because while I absolutely accept your experience as your experience, mine is that people really appreciated others "dropping in" to see their loved ones at grave yards - as recently as Christmas I and others were doing this for neighbours etc.

So I would just sit this one out and not judge - if it's coming from a bad place I am sure there will be signs of it.

Out of interest - I would sometimes trim the grass back from a nearby grave when visiting another, or clean mud off it. Is that something that would be intrusive in your culture and experience?

Are you saying that he did it because knew you would drive past and see him and either stop, as you did, or ask him about it later and then he would be able to tell you?

I do think it’s strange but then I’m not someone who visits graves generally so it’s just hard to judge how other people do things There was a thread at Christmas about how a husband had not bought a special ’wife’ Christmas card and some people were baffled that anyone would send someone they lived with a card, never mind a special one and then other people were outraged than he had sent her a generic card. Sometimes people have very different ways of doing things.

I walk a lot - sometimes it’s nice to have an aim in mind. I might think, nice sunny day, let’s go and do a circular walk round midsummer church where we went to “Adam’s” funeral. it usually provides a car parking place and the footpaths tend to lead to churches… I wouldn’t make a special effort to go on a randomers birthday that I’d never met though, that’s a bit weird.

Is it quite a picturesque walk? 5 miles isn’t a lot if you enjoy walking and it a pretty area. It could be he was going to walk anyway and thought of walking there because it was on his mind from speaking to you?

It is a bit odd whatever his motivation but I would take it in good faith, especially given he has lost a sibling too and must have thought that he would appreciate someone doing similar for him.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you had plenty of family and support around you today, milestones are always hard.

OP, it’s an unusual thing to have done but the fact that your friend has also lost a sibling makes me inclined to think he did it out of a sense of solidarity with you. Fellow feeling. But you know better. If you have reading to think your friend is a bit stalkerish then I shall revise my view!

In a similar vein (though a bit different) my lovely mother in law always visits my mother’s grave the day before her birthday (they did know each other well and were fond of each other) and put a little posy of flowers there so when I arrive on the actual day with my own flowers there were already some blooms there as a sort of “welcome” for me. I found that a very sweet gesture.

But really you know your friend best.

I am sorry about the loss of your brother so young. Grief is very very hard.

I'm not sure it's anything to do with my culture but yes, I would find it intrusive if a stranger did this at a loved one's grave. The people who we met through compassionate friends had lost their child - they took great care of the gravesite and it was the place where they went to feel close to their child. They wouldn't have wanted a stranger tidying up or cleaning their child's grave.

I'll take that on board, thanks.

But I would say to OP that this man really may have meant no harm at all.