Grave visiting on birthdays

[TsunamiSurfer]

genuinely unsure how I feel about this…

my brother died 6 years ago, today would have been his 50th birthday.

his grave is in a rather secluded spot in the countryside.

my friend, who I met post his passing, walked circa 2.5 miles to visit my brothers grave today to “pay his respects to my brother”

I know this because I drive past him on the road on the country lane near my parents house, stopped the car, said hi and asked why he was in this neck of the woods.

i genuinely didn’t know what to say, he knows me very well, has also lost a sibling but he never ever met my brother.

I was on my way to visit my brothers grave and lay flowers and personal momentos.

Essentially, my friend is the first person to have visited my brothers grave on his 50th birthday, having never ever known or met him.

it feels intrusive, but that’s why I’m posting here, because maybe my grief and the weight of today is clouding me..

for added context I’ve been married for 25 years, my husband and two of my kids knew my brother…

It’s hard for me to articulate but I get comfort from others acknowledging and remembering the significant dates related to people I’m grieving. Like a reminder that the person who has died has more people than just me who want to honour them, that they mattered and aren’t totally forgotten as life naturally moves on. Perhaps your friend thinks similarly and expressed this with a physical act of visiting the grave rather than just for example, texting you.

I'm sorry for your loss OP . I too lost a sibling in mid life and find anniversaries very difficult still.

It could be that visiting your brother's grave was a coincidence. Maybe he was in the area anyway and fancied a nice walk. I imagine it's a beautiful place, hence your choosing it? Perhaps it gave him a purpose for his walk and he thought it would be disrespectful to be close by and not visit?

I would treat it as a kind and thoughtful act, but I can appreciate fully how it's made you feel. I remember being distraught that flowers my other siblings left appeared to to have been stolen from the grave. It enraged and pained me greatly to think someone could be so ghastly and do such a thing. Turns out the deer in the area were known for being partial to a snack of roses! I actually think my deceased sibling would love to know the deer had visited and eaten well at her side

Be gentle with yourself, and your friend. I believe his intentions were good.

The fact that his sibling has also died, I think, is the connection and why he would remember to think of you and your family.
He is being kind and also it's a lovely reflective walk - usually - in a cemetery.

I think you’ve answered your own question, OP - he wanted you to know.

Yes he may, as many have suggested, just have incorporated it into a walk out of curiosity or as a mark of respect, without any deeper thought (and although you seem surprised at the 5 mile thing, it’s not really a massive distance for someone who walks regularly - it’d only take about 90 mins in total).

He may have been showing solidarity as someone who’s been through the same.

But the key thing seems to be that he made himself obvious on a route he knew you’d be travelling that day, so it does seem there was some kind of performative motive. He may want you to know your how important your friendship is to him, he may want it to be more than friendship 😬, or he may have just want the good old ego stroke of you being astonished at his thoughtfulness and sensitivity (and obviously misjudged what your reaction would be!). Only you will know which is the more likely.

Or maybe just didn't want to do it in secrecy - as there was no need. He felt right, not shamed, and thought he was supportive.

I mean, this. I'm so sorry for your loss MarxistMags. And yours, TsunsmiSurfer.

24 years since I lost my brother and it touches us when still people think of him, and us as a family.

Would you even have known if you hadn't have passed him?

I think it was a kind gesture and done with connection to his own experiences.

It wasn't performative, you only know as you happened to pass him, and graves are not private spaces with restricted access.

I'd be touched that someone cared about a difficult grief.

Who knows, but my guess is that he's been affected by what you have said about your brother and his little pilgrimage was a way of expressing that. I lt need not matter that he saw the grave before you - it's in a public place after all. You were the first visitor who loves and remembers your brother.