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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grave visiting on birthdays

58 replies

TsunamiSurfer · 18/02/2026 21:45

genuinely unsure how I feel about this…

my brother died 6 years ago, today would have been his 50th birthday.

his grave is in a rather secluded spot in the countryside.

my friend, who I met post his passing, walked circa 2.5 miles to visit my brothers grave today to “pay his respects to my brother”

I know this because I drive past him on the road on the country lane near my parents house, stopped the car, said hi and asked why he was in this neck of the woods.

i genuinely didn’t know what to say, he knows me very well, has also lost a sibling but he never ever met my brother.

I was on my way to visit my brothers grave and lay flowers and personal momentos.

Essentially, my friend is the first person to have visited my brothers grave on his 50th birthday, having never ever known or met him.

it feels intrusive, but that’s why I’m posting here, because maybe my grief and the weight of today is clouding me..

for added context I’ve been married for 25 years, my husband and two of my kids knew my brother…

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 18/02/2026 22:54

It’s nice to have a purpose for a walk and maybe he had someone do similar for his brother and was touched by it.

MarxistMags · 19/02/2026 00:48

I like when someone has visited my son's grave. It means he is not forgotten after 23 years.
Even though this friend had never met your brother perhaps it reminded him of his own brother, and he wanted to pay his respects.

Francestein · 19/02/2026 00:51

It’s weird, tbh. Perhaps your friend has made his own grief his whole personality.

belleager · 19/02/2026 01:11

Francestein · 19/02/2026 00:51

It’s weird, tbh. Perhaps your friend has made his own grief his whole personality.

Or maybe just a bit of his personality - hard not to be marked by a sibling's early death.

But I think if he had made it his whole personality, OP would have noticed before now.

I do think you are right that his own grief or his experiences of what helped with that grief probably played a part here

pastaish · 19/02/2026 01:20

In the context that he has lost a sibling himself, it seems a little less weird. Maybe he takes comfort in having a friend who has had the same experience, and felt it was supportive, caring or did something for his own grief?

If he likes walking, it can be good to have a destination, so maybe he thought he'd take the walk to visit for that reason.

I wouldn't over think it if he's otherwise okay.

ForFunGoose · 19/02/2026 01:26

Sounds well intentioned.
wouldn’t be me but I have a friend who might do this. She is quaint and is one of the nicest people I know.

Marble10 · 19/02/2026 01:32

How did the friend know it was your brothers birthday and where he is buried?
I know you say you met him (the friend) after he had died, but did you perhaps bond over this given he had also lost his own sibling?

WeAreNotOk · 19/02/2026 01:54

I find this very odd. How did you meet this friend? Could he be visiting the grave out of guilt or some other connection? Seriously, that's where my thoughts go.

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2026 02:13

If he had’t lost his own brother, I’d advise you contact the police cause that is scary.

but his grief just makes this weird. Maybe tell him this. Say, “I assume best intentions, but I don’t understand why you did this.”

Silverbirchleaf · 19/02/2026 02:26

Have you talked a lot of your brother recently? Maybe his anniversary triggered something in them and they wanted to pay their respect.

I think that if they just went to the grave, said some prayers etc, then that’s not so bad. I think I’d feel a little unsettled if they left flowers etc, considering they didn’t know him.

sorry for your loss.

Fends · 19/02/2026 02:30

There’s no way he could’ve known you’d pass, or see him or even stop.

You are overthinking it.

Fends · 19/02/2026 02:33

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2026 02:13

If he had’t lost his own brother, I’d advise you contact the police cause that is scary.

but his grief just makes this weird. Maybe tell him this. Say, “I assume best intentions, but I don’t understand why you did this.”

Contact the police? 🤣 Don’t be ridiculous. There’s nothing “scary” about someone taking a walk out to pay their respects.

Please don’t ever hang around a graveyard, the emergency services will be overwhelmed

Fends · 19/02/2026 02:34

MarxistMags · 19/02/2026 00:48

I like when someone has visited my son's grave. It means he is not forgotten after 23 years.
Even though this friend had never met your brother perhaps it reminded him of his own brother, and he wanted to pay his respects.

Exactly. Sorry for your loss x

Somnambule · 19/02/2026 05:07

I would also find this intrusive, and ghoulish.

TittyGajillions · 19/02/2026 05:18

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2026 02:13

If he had’t lost his own brother, I’d advise you contact the police cause that is scary.

but his grief just makes this weird. Maybe tell him this. Say, “I assume best intentions, but I don’t understand why you did this.”

What on earth would you expect the police to do about someone visiting a grave?
This place honestly 🙄

Evergreen21 · 19/02/2026 05:48

Presumably he's your friend for good reason? I'd assume it came from a good place. If there is any weirdness going on surely that cone out in other ways?

As for your dh and children not visiting surely that is more down to you. If you wanted them there or would like the support I'd ask.

I go whenever I'm home to my relatives graves. I do clean up the headstone, clear dead flowers and leave new ones. I would go to a friends family member if they were in the same cemetery to pay respect but I wouldn't go out of my way to go on a birthday for example.

ImPamDoove · 19/02/2026 05:51

Weird and intrusive. He sounds odd.

DudeWheresMyBra · 19/02/2026 06:13

He lost a sibling, too. He is holding a very specific type of grief, a type that he shares with a friend who he can wholeheartedly empathise with.

Don’t read anything more into it than he was being respectful to you and your grief by visiting your brother’s grave. It’s hard to articulate, but I get where he was coming from and, honestly, I would be so so touched if somebody I know did this for my brother.

You’ve heard of random acts of kindness, @TsunamiSurfer ? Try to reframe this as a random act of respect, perhaps.

CrazyGoatLady · 19/02/2026 06:27

TittyGajillions · 19/02/2026 05:18

What on earth would you expect the police to do about someone visiting a grave?
This place honestly 🙄

Show quote history

But this is MN, where people won't even answer the door and are offended by people using the doorbell for its intended purpose!

Zanatdy · 19/02/2026 06:30

I say this kindly, but I think that’s a really thoughtful thing to do. Everyone is different, and for some people this is a really normal thing to do. Others wouldn’t think twice. I know sometimes we would visit my nanna’s grave and someone had left flowers and that was always nice to see.

Zanatdy · 19/02/2026 06:34

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2026 02:13

If he had’t lost his own brother, I’d advise you contact the police cause that is scary.

but his grief just makes this weird. Maybe tell him this. Say, “I assume best intentions, but I don’t understand why you did this.”

The police? Seriously. They’d think you’ve gone mad. A friend of mine visited my brother’s grave. Assuming this guy isn’t sitting outside OP’s house and following her to work, they would think you’re batshit if you called the police for that. I really do think some people live in a completely different world to me.

BollyMolly · 19/02/2026 07:08

I think its probably got a lot to do with his own grief from losing his sibling.

Maybe he would like it if friends visited his siblings grave and so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

somanychristmaslights · 19/02/2026 08:01

It’s a little unusual, but he has also lost a brother. What makes you think he wanted you to see him, did he know the exact time you would be going? I think YABU, he wanted to pay his respects as your friend and as someone that has also gone through what you have. Are you feeling guilty he “got there first” and that makes you feel bad? (It shouldn’t). Next time you see him, casually say “I was surprised to see you the other day” and see what he says.

somanychristmaslights · 19/02/2026 08:03

Delphinium20 · 19/02/2026 02:13

If he had’t lost his own brother, I’d advise you contact the police cause that is scary.

but his grief just makes this weird. Maybe tell him this. Say, “I assume best intentions, but I don’t understand why you did this.”

This is why the police haven’t got time to investigate real crimes, as they’re dealing with ridiculous people like this 🙄

CrowMate · 19/02/2026 08:13

I’m another who thinks this is linked to a specific type of loss you both share. It’s likely come from place of empathy and friendship. But, I understand why it’s unsettled you too. Can you talk to him? (In a non accusatory and light hearted way). Along the lines of “I was surprised to see you”. It may help you feel more comfortable if he can share why he went there.