At my wits end with oversharing colleague

[Jadee78]

I’ve a female colleague who over the past 18 months has shared every detail of her marriage breakdown, subsequent divorce and more recently, her dating woes.

We are in a team of 10, but we’re remotely managed so our manager is only on site once a week and its usually the day my colleague doesn’t work.

I am all for getting along with my colleagues. But am I wrong for finding this latest conversation a step too far?

She has been seeing a younger man (30 - she’s mid 40’s). Last night, they spent the night together. We’d been told all day yesterday how she was nervous and she was working herself up about it.

She came in blushing today, and blurted out something about him being so good using his mouth and then went on about how she didn’t know she enjoyed being pleasured in ‘that area’ (meaning her rear).

One or two colleagues entertain her but I’m sick of it now.

AIBU to say something the next time she is so crude in front of me?

Yanbu that's way tmi unless you're full on besties.

We had one like that in our office. Very oversharing about her sex life, it was very uncomfortable. When I became her manager I had to tell her to keep that kind of talk out of the workplace.

That is far too much information for the office. I would put headphones on to avoid her every time she starts talking about it. I suspect if you challenge her she will escalate it to you bullying her or something. She sounds like she's a drama llama doing things for attention.

Leave an anonymous note under her keyboard letting her know that not everyone wants to hear that rubbish

Goodness gracious.

Personally I think any sex chat is off limits with colleagues. Apart from when I was young/a student, I wouldn't even entertain this level of chat with people I happen to work at the same place with.

Sounds like she's lacking friends. Although I wouldn't want this chat with friends either. But maybe I'm a prude. I think she needs telling.

Grotty AF. I would actually say, next time she recounts such a tale ‘ugh we do not need to hear this Lisa, is nothing sacred!’ (in the moment I would actually probably say ‘for fucks sake Lisa, that is rank’) and when she inevitable complains about you being mean you can then complain about her and leave it up to management.

That is grim in my opinion. That sort of talk is okay for very close friends but unacceptable in the workplace and also disrespectful to her sexual partner who probably doesn’t expect their shenanigans to be broadcast to her colleagues.

Could you just email or IM her? Something a bit like “Hi Sue, Really glad you’re enjoying yourself with your new guy but I am just personally not comfortable with that level of detail at work- and I am worried that someone might complain to [bigboss] at some point. Would you mind saving it for coffee breaks and cocktails! Thanks!”

It’s a bit iffy as you’re not her manager and she might complain to the boss herself but I’d doubt it. If she does complain I’d really doubt any company would be encouraging this…

There was a woman like that in the admin office of my department. She was known as Knickers Knackers Knockers.
Sorry, no help, but YANBU, it's oversharing to the extreme.

Good heavens, that’s horrifying. Who wants to hear that at work? How is that not considered sexual harassment?

She came in blushing today, and blurted out something about him being so good using his mouth and then went on about how she didn’t know she enjoyed being pleasured in ‘that area’ (meaning her rear).

Absolutely disgusting! Imagine a man started talking about that!

I'd make a formal complaint. No one needs to be sharing such details with anyone, let alone their colleagues. It's completely inappropriate and unprofessional and you'd think that someone in their 40s would know that. Hell, my 18-year-old knows that!!

Christ! All I know about anyone's sex life is whether they have kids or not..

exactly!

We always blame men but women get away with everything!

OP ,either you tell her it's completely inappropriate
or you make a complain to HR if you don't want to be directly involved.

It's very wrong. Where does it stop? If she can go into crude details, why can't another employee carry on and it's just not appropriate for anyone.

I agree. Its up to your manager to come in on a day when she's in and say something.

What do your other colleagues think... ?

I think I'd just say "Ugh... TMI!" and turn back to my work."

I think a pp also said "imagine if a man said that." would be a good thing to say as it would make the other listeners think about it too and might shut her up.

I agree that if a bloke (her boyfriend for example) went in to that much info in the office then he would possibly end up in trouble if it was a larger organisation with HR etc.

I think I would have to say something to her at this stage and tell her she has crossed that line between chit chat and inappropriate and you don't want to hear it.

You could make it into a pointed joke- ‘gosh Diane, if a man said stuff like that in the office, he’d get fired!’
Sadly, that type are a bit oblivious. Have a word with your manager if it persists.

I think when people do this they are very lonely and desperate to sound “interesting”. I have a male colleague who massively overshares, not about sex but just insists on telling people everything about his life and tells tge same stories again and again…

Think its a bit of a cry for help.

She's being a creep, probably for attention.

I'd file a complaint.

Too bad you don't have music you could blast every time she started her sex talk to drown her out.

Yeah, that’s not remotely OK to talk about at work.

Doesn’t she have friends for that kind of chat?

Think I’d be shouting “TMI Janet, some of us have just had lunch” 🤢

Do you ever have 1-1s with your Manager? I would write down verbatim what your colleague has said and ask the Manager to have a word, after all that is what they get paid for!

In the meantime just ignore.

Talk to her initially. Make it clear that it is unwelcome, but also it could look bad on her.

I don’t want to sound mean, because it seems like she just wants someone to share things with, but this would probably be workplace sexual harassment (at least according to the training in my workplace). You can’t go around broadcasting details of your sex life.

Absolutely fine to confide in a work friend at lunch (who’s down to hear that stuff) but otherwise no.

She seems completely oblivious to her attention-seeking and how it comes across. Sadly, I don’t think there’s a way to get the message across without causing upset. I agree with pp she sounds completely oblivious.

If she doesn’t know not to talk rimjobs at work, she won’t get nuance.