Friend disagrees with everything I say and I’m really fed up with it

[3coffeesplease]

Has anyone else gone through this before?

My friend of 3 years always seems to disagree with me. I know how that sounds, so let me explain as best as I can. I definitely don’t expect her to agree with me on everything, everyone has their own perspectives and opinions, but after a while, it really starts to grate. I could say that the sky is blue, and she’ll insist it’s green. Sometimes I wonder if she does it on purpose. It’s always been a bit of a bother, but this year it’s really annoyed me. I’ve had some trouble with my neighbours lately, damaging property, being rude, and just generally obnoxious. She basically brushed it off and said it was nice of them to cover the damage (not really, I witnessed them do it and they had to pay by law)

I’ve talked to 3 other people about this, and they all agreed that the neighbours were being horrible, she’s the only one who disagreed. She’s an intelligent person, so I doubt it’s because she doesn’t understand or anything. It’s really starting to get under my skin. I don’t need her to agree with everything I say, but it’s strange that she feels the need to disagree on every little thing, relationships, work, anything. It’s making me hesitant to share my thoughts or talk to her about anything because I just can’t deal with the constant disagreement. AIBU?

YANBU

Have some fun with it though and disagree with her on every comment she makes.

Ultimately, we have to either accept our mates as they are, warts an all, or don't accept them at all. Nobodys perfect.

Why are you friends? You don’t like each other.

I know 2 types of person like this. One does this to the point of if you follow their advice or change your opinion, theirs will flip the other way! They just want hearty conversation and debate.

The other kind is more about peace and will always answer with the other person’s point of view or an angle you haven’t thought about something from. This I find genuine and helpful, even if it means they’re always “disagreeing” with my take.

Try and see reasons they might be this way, and interpret them positively if you can. In a lot of ways it can be a good thing (and it sounds like you have enough friends who agree with you anyway!)

YANBU. I dated a guy like this once. It seemed complusive. Every time I was then proven right, he'd explain why he thought he was right in loads of detail. It was very irritating.

My husband used to do this all the time! Turned out he mostly agrees with me with things

He likes to debate and argue from the other side (which is good) but he did it all the time and was difficult to see where he actually stood on things. Had to have a word with him on how annoying that was. 🤣

She doesn’t respect you. Like you say, she is an intelligent woman so she knows what she’s doing.

Are all of the disagreements similar to your example? Is it her trying to put a positive spin on things? I have a friend who was like that, it wasn't just about other people but herself too. She would speak about something awful that had happened to her and follow it up with oh well, at least... I started pulling her up on it and saying she shouldn't minimise it. It does happen less now.

After she does it a three times you could say that you are curious as you have noticed she tends to disagree with you on most things. And you are wondering why that is. But ultimately, she doesn't sound like much of a friend

There's a name for it OP, she's a contrarian.

Test her. Remember an opinion she had in opposition to you… a couple of weeks later say the same opinion and see if she swaps for the sake of it. Then say ‘last Tuesday you said the opposite - you just want to be contrary.’

I'd withdraw - I dont have the time, energy or inclination for this type of person in my life. Its not my responsibility to understand why, or to fix it. If I cant tolerate your behaviour then the only responsibility I have is to put up, shut up or withdraw.

YANBU - this is an abusive personality type who dismisses your concerns and feelings.

I bet she doesn’t know. It’s a learned behaviour that has become habitual. It probably happens because up to a point it has served her and she doesn’t realise the damage it’s doing to her relationships now. Does she work in a combative environment? Was she a debating star at a posh school?

Little Miss Contrary! My brother is like this, he always has to be the opposite to anything you say or disagree with anything & everything, it’s exhausting.

Honestly I dropped a friend years ago for this kind of thing (among other issues)

Does she do this with other friends or is it just you?

Oh same! My ex was a total devil's advocate (really, really smart person on paper - Oxbridge educated, etc.) he just loved debate far too much and didn't know when to stop it from turning into an argument - or how bloody irritating it was. Hence he is an ex! I didn't have the energy or enthusiasm for it, no matter how good a kisser he was (we did lots of kissing - one way to get him to shut up).

Ah the contrary Poindexter type. I just limit contact with people like this as it’s exhausting.

I ended a long time friendship with a male friend who turned like this over the period of a year or so. Turned out he’d become an online troll! He was even bragging about how he picks on posters on Facebook and how he “wind them up them kick off” & “argue with everything they say just to watch them get pissed off” - Could there be a bit of this going on with your friend op?

Really annoying. Either ditch her or ask her why she does it?

I totally empathise as I have a friend the same . If I wasn’t so placid and can’t be bothered to debate everything out friendship would be over . In truth i
just make sure I don’t go out with her alone . Another friend shares the burden .

Thats a very enabling view?

Its not OPs responsibility to inform her or participate in fixing her. If OP raises this very poor behaviour - that just opens debate and defensive behaviour from the friend. Its hardly like she is going to go - oh yes of course I do, silly me! ill stop forthwith right away!

She knows. Learned or not; her behaviour is her responsibility, no one elses.

Is she like this with everyone or just with you?

Some people - often intelligent people who enjoy law and philology etc - love to play devil’s advocate and disagree / debate things for their own amusement. They may not believe what they are arguing - they just fancy trying a new angle. It can be utterly infuriating to interact with them because, as you say, they’ll take something you think is clear cut and unquestionable and they’ll look for something to challenge and disagree with. It can come as a shock to them to learn how irritating they are being to others, but it’s the only way to get them to think about whether they need to be contrary for the sake of it or if they should just shut up and listen.

It sounds like she is a contrarian, and very annoying.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but does she mainly do it in examples like the above, where you are complaining about something? Nothing wrong with a moan to a friend but some people make sharing problems a go to in conversation and with those people I am more likely to offer a contrary view, especially if the moan exceeds a few minutes and a few rounds of sympathetic replies from me.