Friend disagrees with everything I say and I’m really fed up with it

[3coffeesplease]

Has anyone else gone through this before?

My friend of 3 years always seems to disagree with me. I know how that sounds, so let me explain as best as I can. I definitely don’t expect her to agree with me on everything, everyone has their own perspectives and opinions, but after a while, it really starts to grate. I could say that the sky is blue, and she’ll insist it’s green. Sometimes I wonder if she does it on purpose. It’s always been a bit of a bother, but this year it’s really annoyed me. I’ve had some trouble with my neighbours lately, damaging property, being rude, and just generally obnoxious. She basically brushed it off and said it was nice of them to cover the damage (not really, I witnessed them do it and they had to pay by law)

I’ve talked to 3 other people about this, and they all agreed that the neighbours were being horrible, she’s the only one who disagreed. She’s an intelligent person, so I doubt it’s because she doesn’t understand or anything. It’s really starting to get under my skin. I don’t need her to agree with everything I say, but it’s strange that she feels the need to disagree on every little thing, relationships, work, anything. It’s making me hesitant to share my thoughts or talk to her about anything because I just can’t deal with the constant disagreement. AIBU?

I had a friend like this. We are no longer friends when I explained he had been sending explicit pics of himself to other women and she said “oh poor him, he is confused and really going through tough times right now”
no, he was evil and a liar. She was wrong.

YANBU - I had a “friend” like this and had to cut her off. Everything I did and every decision I made was the wrong one, according to her, and she liked to tell me, in great detail, how I should be living my life.

if you truly like her as a person but are tired of the constant disagreeing with you, you can ask her why she’s always so contrary. Otherwise just dump her. Be forewarned, she will also disagree with you dumping her. In my case, I told her it’s probably best we don’t spend time with each other anymore and she said “but who will tell you when you’re wrong?” 🤦‍♀️

I have a similar friend - she doesn’t necessarily disagree, but she heavily leans into the positive which can feel very dismissive.

I think people see all the insta psychology stuff and take it too literally - like only ‘holding space’ for positivity or they ‘protect their peace’ to the point they end up just being quite shitty friends. And no, I’m not talking about people rejecting trauma dumping or other stuff that might affect their mental health. I’m talking about people not allowing minor gripes when a little solidarity/support is all that’s needed.

I also wonder if your friend works in corporate? A lot of my recent-ish management training has been about deflecting negativity / accountability - maybe it’s creeping into her everyday life :)

I think this is true. I was on a work course years ago and the teacher pointed out my tendency to do this. I had no idea!

Since then I have watched myself and it was true! No idea why, think my brain just tries to play devils advocate on everything! Needless to say I now pause to think before blurting out a view, and have hopefully stopped doing it. I don't think it even really reflected my views but was just a knee jerk reaction...

Maybe speak to her?

Or maybe she has no empathy and doesn’t care about other people’s feelings?

My mil does this - I think it’s a pathological tick.

To add, the friend I have like this who loves a good debate has openly admitted she has ADHD. I know other people with ADHD that are not like this, I’m not sure if there is a pattern overall.

I just don’t mix with her very often now as whatever I said she would disagree, pick apart and belittle. Quite happy for people to disagree, but I think there is a polite way to have a conversation. Quite frankly that doesn’t come under friend catergory in my books, as she has ADHD I can try to understand, so I sometimes see her just not a lot.

Yes I agree, it sounds a bit like a PDA trait.

So annoying!
I have a work colleague that does the ALL THE HE TIME, but I can’t get away from them because we work closely.

It’s almost comical. “ it’s raining heavily here at the moment “, her “ well no, that’s not quite right, it’s raining with occasional showers”….ahhhhhhhh!!!

Alan Partridge vibes.

It has resulted in me barely speaking now, I turn everything, every conversation back to her which is easy because she is a talker so will talk away without caring if I’m there or not. I could go and make a coffee then come back and she wouldn’t even notice that id left.
Also an interupter so I never even get my sentence finished before she is interrupting me telling me I’m wrong…
Work stuff is short, factual and to the point. She will totally rewrite an email or briefing to end up with even the full stops in the wrong place according to her… so I just leave her to it.

Given a choice, I would never talk to her again, that’s the choice you DO have! Dump her!

So frustrating & irritating.,

In total honesty, I am sometimes like this with my MIL. I actually have to stop myself from saying things sometimes because because I don’t want to be rude, but I do find a lot of what she says ill thought out bullshit and so I will counter her statement with an alternative.

My MIL is an alright person so I won’t say I don’t like her, but some of her opinions are just so narrow minded or just stupid frankly, that I can’t let it slide. Maybe your friend thinks in a similar way. When you have conversations about current affairs, do her opinions generally differ to yours?

I’d say your just not really compatible as close friends and you should step back a bit.

Just tell her that it annoys you

This basically. Who has the energy for this sort of nonsense?

Have a friend who does this too. I’ve decided that either a) she really does hold the positions she does and that therefore we now - after 17 years - really don’t have much in common so relationship should fade or b) she is deliberately being contrary, passive aggressive, undermining and patronising … in which case the relationship should fade.

It built up starting from a position of seeming to present the other side to basically any time anyone has upset me with, at times, utterly outrageous behaviour she is never supportive and always makes me feel small. I’ve clung on this far because we once had a great friendship and its nearly two decades long… but I just can’t anymore. I’ve stopped initiating contact and letting time it fade now.

Am sad, but I think if you are getting nothing out of a relationship and it is leaving you feeling bad about yourself, second guessing your feelings, then it’s time to let it go.

I have a friend who is like this, and most of the time it comes from a good place, helping me see the positive side of nasty situations. She often does it to scale down my frustration, and I used to perceive it as always disagreeing. Today I realise that she’s one of those friends you accept for who she is, or you just decide to move on. The only fact you’re asking for an opinion on MN on this topic puts pressure on agreeing with you or disagreeing with you… not sure you realise that? So maybe it’s also a matter of your own confidence and how you handle criticism. If you were resolved on this point, you would just brush it off as ‘she’s the one who always wants to disagree’ and it would not even bother you.

She sounds like a frenemy. My mum does this to me. I only realised it in my 30s after my sibling pointed it out. Everything I say is met with a response like, "I don't think so..." or "reeeeaaaallly?" or some non-committal noises. It's incredibly annoying and hurtful.

Oh no she doesn't.