Friend disagrees with everything I say and I’m really fed up with it

[3coffeesplease]

Has anyone else gone through this before?

My friend of 3 years always seems to disagree with me. I know how that sounds, so let me explain as best as I can. I definitely don’t expect her to agree with me on everything, everyone has their own perspectives and opinions, but after a while, it really starts to grate. I could say that the sky is blue, and she’ll insist it’s green. Sometimes I wonder if she does it on purpose. It’s always been a bit of a bother, but this year it’s really annoyed me. I’ve had some trouble with my neighbours lately, damaging property, being rude, and just generally obnoxious. She basically brushed it off and said it was nice of them to cover the damage (not really, I witnessed them do it and they had to pay by law)

I’ve talked to 3 other people about this, and they all agreed that the neighbours were being horrible, she’s the only one who disagreed. She’s an intelligent person, so I doubt it’s because she doesn’t understand or anything. It’s really starting to get under my skin. I don’t need her to agree with everything I say, but it’s strange that she feels the need to disagree on every little thing, relationships, work, anything. It’s making me hesitant to share my thoughts or talk to her about anything because I just can’t deal with the constant disagreement. AIBU?

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but I’d have no time and energy for this. She sounds exhausting , and life is too short for spending time with people like her.

I have a friend who does this. It feels so negative when it’s constant, so I get it. I’m always in the wrong. My actions/behaviour/feelings are never valid, it’s always my fault/problem/issue/cause.

Recently I pulled her up on it and she said she was just playing the devils advocate. This is just a part she’s comfortable with and is committed to. It’s who she is. Now that I know that, I don’t ask her opinions on much and I’m very mindful with what I share with her, as I can already predict which was it will go, so it’s pointless. It will be heavily bias, never in my favour.

I think this is what you may need to accept also….

This is a really interesting thread. Surely if she wanted a debate, or to be a peace keeper and show another perspective, she could acknowledge she agreed with OP and then go on to express the alternative view point and they could have a decent conversation but it seems she is contrary.

I know sometimes she genuinely might disagree but for it to be all the time demonstrates totally different values and enough common ground for a friendship to flourish, doesn’t it?

It’s been interesting to me because after our divorce my ex-h admitted he deliberately started and/or caused arguments because he enjoyed them! I still feel “WTF!” over a decade later. @3coffeesplease - sounds like she’s one of these, no wonder you’ve had enough.

You’re doing it all wrong.. let her disagree and then you agree with her and say ‘good point’ and then ‘great point again!’ the next time - it sounds like she’s just bitter and looking for a reaction

I’m not saying it’s the OP’s job. Just I suspect she has no idea she’s infuriating because nobody ever tells her to pack it in.

I have one that is ‘just playing the devil’s advocate’ too, but the thing is, he never actually does! He’s never genuinely trying to get me to see things from the other side, for my benefit. He just disagrees with me -
”I liked that meal out but it was slightly over seasoned”
“It wasn’t, it was just how I like it”

“I really enjoyed that film”
“It was ok but not as good as X”

“I went cycling on the weekend”
“Wouldn’t have done that - don’t like cycling”

On and on, it’s so boring. Very tempted to just sack it in.

To be fair, the first two examples you gave are just conversation in my opinion; But the last one re: cycling is definitely antagonistic.
I think there’s a fine line between just giving your opinion on something after someone has just given theirs on say, a film you both just watched for example. To actually full on disagreeing with you or shooting down your opinion and declaring theirs more valid.

You pulled her up on trying to see the positives in a shit situation?? Pardon??

You have a contrarian. I had a friend like that, who also knew better than anyone else, to the point where she claimed to know far more than me about a sport/hobby I was into. Her reasoning? She was born here, I'm an immigrant, therefore she must magically know more about anything at all that happens in "her" country.

@SpaceRaccoon😵😵😵 That’s not a contrarian that’s a racist.

Was coming to say the same , she just does it for the sake of it

Oh the perpetual ’Devils Advocates’ are intolerable lol

You're not wrong actually - she had a big issue with the thought of me voting in the Scottish Indyref, as I "wasn't Scottish", despite me being a naturalised Brit and Scottish resident who was perfectly entitled to vote.
She doesn't see it though, she considers herself very left-wing.

Do it to her. See how she likes it. You could have a laugh with it.

Honestly life is challenging enough without choosing to be friends with someone like this. What is the benefit of it. I would just stop seeing them!

I had an insanely jealous friend who did this all the time. It just made me not want to hang out with her anymore because she was constantly fact checking me or questioning anything I said. I don’t miss her at all.

It's more likely to be related to being ND than anything else. She wont realize she's doing it or mean anything by it. It's very common in people with ADHD, for example.

I have a friend like this, I think she just enjoys a good debate. She is like it with a few people. I only see her occasionally as although I accept people have differing views, it’s exhausting listening to her always picking people apart.

I would advise to steer clear occasionally and not get into conversations about topics you know she will enjoy.

YANBU I had a friend exactly like this and it’s honestly exhausting… she always had to disagree with everything I said sometimes I think for the sake of it!! And we were friends for 30 years… we just grew apart and had nothing in common in the end… I would tell her what she had done to discuss it, she would get upset and say sorry then she would do the same thing again later so I got sick of it in the end..

YANBU. I had a friend like this too. I had actually forgotten about it and who it was but reading your post brought it back to me. It was SO exhausting and wore me down a bit. Knocked my self confidence as I felt like I was wrong about Everything in life. That person is not in my life anymore.

Maybe ADHD - they argue all the time.
Or maybe a contrarian, as others have said.

I have a friend like this and I'm phasing her out.

Not the same but I have a friend who complains about everything in her life. Invites comments on how things could change, then tells you how that couldn't possibly work for her. It's been going on for years. One of my friends says it's just a victim mentality. I love her but I have to remember just not to comment.

Also, I lost some weight and the above friend asks me what I did. I told her and she said "Well research shows..." basically that what I do doesn't work! Okay! 🙄

You’re right, they do - if there were occasions we agreed on anything (just one thing!) I wouldn’t feel the way I do. But it’s every thing I say/experience I relate.
The seasoning thing was a recent example - I was sat across the table from him, I shared my thought and I could almost see the cogs turning in his head to figure out how to respond without agreeing with me. If I think something is good, he thinks it’s bad - if I think it’s bad, it’s good. Heaven forbid I feel neutral about something - in some cases then I’m in the wrong for not holding a firm opinion. Endless 😅

She's a know it all ready for the bin

However I do find people that always agree, even when you know they don't really triggering
Nd I wonder why it bugs me so much?is it just a lack of authenticity or something else?

My mother is like this. Will have an opposing opinion to everything I say, and will exclaim it like its fact; me: 'Oh I had a nice avocado toast brunch in that cafe last week'
Mum: 'yuck! Avocado's are disgusting and slimy!'

Or

Me: 'I was thinking of seeing that new film in the cinema...'
Mum: 'You would seriously enjoy that? Actor is annoying/I hate that genre/sounds silly/not my cup of tea!'

I can barely mention the weather without having a contrary opinion thrown at me.

I had no idea that I was EXACTLY THE SAME until my husband challenged me on it. I realised that I had a)been raised to think this was normal b) had had my mothers' opinions shoved down my throat so I subconsciously felt like I had to push back against everyone else's views, in order to protect my own.

Once I realise I what I was doing I tried very hard to stop.

Tell your friend.