Neighbour and not rising to it

[McHot]

Background: we have lived here 16 years - we being me & DD. DD is 23
Neighbour , single middle-aged gay man with his cute dog, bought house next door a year ago, previously to this the house was rented out to various different tenants.

I work away and live with my DH most of the time in another city but we will come back to the house every other weekend, the rest of the time it's my DD who lives here alone with occasional sleep overs from her BF.

I was glad when neighbour moved in and glad he was gay and seemed nice as ultimately he was a single man moving in next to my young daughter and rightly or wrongly I felt safer that he was gay.

Anyway, about 4 months ago I had 3 friends over on a Friday night, we had food and drinks etc and they left around 11.30pm.
The next night at around 11.20pm the neighbour started thumping on our adjoining wall (houses adjoin with hallways so our stairs are next to each other) , he also started screaming and shouting and this went on for around 10 minutes then stopped dead. DD were already well in bed by this time. I was a little concerned he was having some kind of medical episode at the time.

A couple of days later we spoke in the garden completely normally and he asked me if I could do him a "life-changing favour". Apparently our front door closes too loudly and we had disturbed him when my friends had left at 11.30pm. So it became clear then that the next night was a punishment. He stated that he had moved 3 times in 5 years because of "noisy neighbours" and thought this house was ok because they joined at the hallway but he'd "probably have to move again".

I said I was happy to hear any solutions he might have but unfortunately our front door closes how it closes and there was not much I could do. He asked if I ever heard noise from his house and I said yes as the dog barks continuously when he leaves the house every Saturday night from 7pm until around 2am usually but he said he wasn't worried about that as that's just the dog. which is fair enough.

Anyway always cordial inbetween in the garden we'll say hello etc. Last Friday I went out with my friends and came home alone at around 12am.
The next night once again he started pounding on the stairs wall and screeching at around 11.30 til 12.15am. This time my husband was at the house and was raging and wanted to go round but I told him not to react as DD is here most of the time on her own and we don't know this man, he might be unstable. We had again been in bed since around 10.30.

Anyway, AIBU to NEVER let this man get a reaction out of me? I have lived here peacably for 16 years and don't intend to rise to his retribution for when he thinks I've opened my own front door too loudly or at the wrong time.

What would you do?? We both own our home, me outright, him mortgage so nobody is going anywhere.

I honestly don’t think my neighbour is doing it on purpose, and I’m sure yours doesn’t think that either. Just one of those things!

My (now former) neighbour had a BAAAAD door slamming habit. Drove me insane as he was in and out like a jack in the box due to his line of work. Anyway he was a nice enough guy and was just not aware of the noise the door made. I asked him to listen to it from my side and we actually laughed about it, he had no idea.

He then said he got one of those soft close springs that ease the door closed. No more slamming. He was one of the good uns. New neighbours have his spring closing door now so all is well. I haven't seen it up close so don't know exactly how it works, but there's no door closing noise anymore.

Would something like that work in your case OP?

You can get soft tape that you put around the door frame. Like this: https://amzn.eu/d/09vohzfw

I have a family of door slammers. Drives me nuts and gives me such a fright in the night if they slam then. This has helped! For the record, he sounds like an unreasonable shit that will just move on to the next thing if you solve this

OP, have you a video bell?
Get one.
I would also make a welfare call to the police.
I think he is seriously unhinged.
The dog needs reporting about too.

Ridiculous twatty comment about not caring about your daughters safety.🙄

Why are posters suggesting fixes for OPs door? There's no way in hell I'd be trying to sort the door for anyone who's quite happy to let me have to listen to their dog barking for hours until early morning. He even had the audacity to dismiss it when mentioned to him.

I would absolutely make a formal complaint to the council,about the dog barking and his deliberate noise making, keep a noise log and record the dog and make notes of his bizarre behaviours. Don’t just ignore him - he’s trying to intimidate you and the council,will speak to him about the dog barking. It sounds unbearable. Good luck dealing with a horrible situation.

I once had an elderly neighbour in the underneath flat who complained - not becausse of parties, loud music or noisy DIY - but simply because I was awalke til 1 am. She told the chair of the committee that she could not settle until she heard me go to bed. She could hear me flushing the loo, boiling a kettle, etc. All normal household noises. I countered that I was often woken by her hoovering or running the washing machine at 8am when I was on a late shift and not due into work til 1 pm. I told her that I would not alter the time I went to bed. However I would be mindful of not running water, flushing the loo etc. In turn she had to promise not to hoover until after 10 am. Neither of us had done anything wrong. It was simply a clash of lifestyles. She liked to hoover early and get it done. When she remembered and started hoovering later I was careful that night not to make any unnecessary noise. Every time she forgot I "punished" her by banging around the kitchen, running water and opening drawers that night. Im a bit of a bitch like that. Eventually she learned.

But it hasn’t got anything to do with it. A single straight man could move in and bang on the walls every time you make a noise but you wouldn’t be emphasising the point he’s hetrosexual, so no it actually hasn’t got anything to do with it.

The world is full of intolerable people and everybody thinks they are right.

Next time hes banging and shouting, treat him like a toddler having a tantrum and ignore it until he calms down. If you don’t react, hopefully he’ll get bored and stop pushing your boundaries. I think that’s all he’s doing, trying to control you and assert himself. Don’t let him. I’d also put up cameras of you don’t have them already. I feel like he’s the sort to escalate before getting bored.

He does sound unstable but I don’t understand what him being gay has anything to do with well, anything!?

thats like sheldon on big bang with the water squirter and the chocs

Ok OP gets it that some posters do not care about sexual orientation or home ownership.

OP I would tell and “train” your DD not to open the door to him or allow him to approach her. He's a bully and he will bully her too.
there are many good practical posts here. I have liked loved and agreed with many of them. Focus on those.

ignore him. You had it right in the op…do not rise. I had an employee complain I closed cabinets too loud and spoke loud. WHY YAAASSS. This is my medical practice and my patients are 80! This is not some cutesy headphone wearing office where no one walks talks or touches anything. Nor is your home. It’s YOUR home. Doors opening comings and goings are all normal. Everyone makes noise but individuals are
immune to the noise they make.

record the dog for posterity in case you need it.

I quite like requesting a welfare check if he’s wailing and carrying on. Record that too. Then snub him and don’t give ear to his complaints.

Sounds like a him problem if he considers someone closing a door to be a noisy neighbour and has moved so often because of his previous neighbours. It's petty of him to slam doors the next night to punish you rather than doing the civilised thing of speaking to you about it the next day.

Definitely don't rise to it. It sounds like a part of him enjoys being controlling and confrontational. With a bit of luck, he may just avoid you when he realises you're not going to tiptoe around him. I've had similar with a neighbour and life is much more peaceful now she doesn't speak (complain constantly) to me.

OP , there is no excuse for slamming your front door and if you have to slam it to shut it then you need to fix it . It’s very unneighbourly and inconsiderate .
He asked you to sort it out and you’ve dismissed him.
Also there’s no excuse for noisy comings & goings especially late at night with friends .
Stop being selfish.
His retaliation is unreasonable though but he’s clearly been driven to distraction by noisy neighbours preventing him from quiet enjoyment of his home .

But the dog barking for hours on end is OK?

Is there anything you can do with regard to shutting the door more quietly? Such as adding a very thin draught excluder to the door isn't hitting the frame directly? Or closing the door very quietly, and not allowing the latch to click shut but turning it as you close so it doesn't make a noise?

Are you and DD closing your front door quietly now OP ? Hopefully that resolves the issue.

@McHot so this man is claiming you closing your front door at 11.30pm disturbs him (from sleeping I presume), so the next night he then stays up until gone 11.30pm to bank on the walls and scream, thus disturbing his own sleep??

And he has also moved 3 times in 5 years?

The guy is clearly deranged and has MH issues.

Personally I'd just ignore him and pretend you cannot hear him and his crazy antics. That way he doesn't get the desired affect of pissing you off!

He really needs to move into a detached house, ideally in the middle of no where if he is so sensitive to noise!