Neighbour and not rising to it

[McHot]

Background: we have lived here 16 years - we being me & DD. DD is 23
Neighbour , single middle-aged gay man with his cute dog, bought house next door a year ago, previously to this the house was rented out to various different tenants.

I work away and live with my DH most of the time in another city but we will come back to the house every other weekend, the rest of the time it's my DD who lives here alone with occasional sleep overs from her BF.

I was glad when neighbour moved in and glad he was gay and seemed nice as ultimately he was a single man moving in next to my young daughter and rightly or wrongly I felt safer that he was gay.

Anyway, about 4 months ago I had 3 friends over on a Friday night, we had food and drinks etc and they left around 11.30pm.
The next night at around 11.20pm the neighbour started thumping on our adjoining wall (houses adjoin with hallways so our stairs are next to each other) , he also started screaming and shouting and this went on for around 10 minutes then stopped dead. DD were already well in bed by this time. I was a little concerned he was having some kind of medical episode at the time.

A couple of days later we spoke in the garden completely normally and he asked me if I could do him a "life-changing favour". Apparently our front door closes too loudly and we had disturbed him when my friends had left at 11.30pm. So it became clear then that the next night was a punishment. He stated that he had moved 3 times in 5 years because of "noisy neighbours" and thought this house was ok because they joined at the hallway but he'd "probably have to move again".

I said I was happy to hear any solutions he might have but unfortunately our front door closes how it closes and there was not much I could do. He asked if I ever heard noise from his house and I said yes as the dog barks continuously when he leaves the house every Saturday night from 7pm until around 2am usually but he said he wasn't worried about that as that's just the dog. which is fair enough.

Anyway always cordial inbetween in the garden we'll say hello etc. Last Friday I went out with my friends and came home alone at around 12am.
The next night once again he started pounding on the stairs wall and screeching at around 11.30 til 12.15am. This time my husband was at the house and was raging and wanted to go round but I told him not to react as DD is here most of the time on her own and we don't know this man, he might be unstable. We had again been in bed since around 10.30.

Anyway, AIBU to NEVER let this man get a reaction out of me? I have lived here peacably for 16 years and don't intend to rise to his retribution for when he thinks I've opened my own front door too loudly or at the wrong time.

What would you do?? We both own our home, me outright, him mortgage so nobody is going anywhere.

Not rising to it sounds like the best way forward. People usually get bored and stop when they're not getting a reaction. I'd act like you don't hear a thing from his house.

We have a corner house so to enter by the back door would require her to open a padlock on the side wrounght iron gate which I suspect would be a lot louder and drawn out than her entering through the front door. To be fair he has also made comment to me about an air b and b house that is across the road being too noisy as well (which I've never hear a peep from myself) Bear in mind I live on the corner of a four lane crossroad and he lives one house removed from it so he's not exactly chosen a quiet secluded cul-de-sac or anything like that.

I also am a bit cautious about saying DD or indeed I should not use our front door. Our front door is a normal front door and it seems insane that he should dictate our movement. We feel on eggshells in our home at this point a little.

Get rid of your stair carpet and buy some clogs.
Bark whenever his dog barks (if neighbour is at home...)
Wind chimes for the garden - lovely

You sound very tolerant regarding the dog barking for hours. And you have obviously had multiple occupants next door over the years who haven’t remarked on the noise of your front door.
Other than avoiding outright slamming of the front door I would strongly advise you not to pander to this gentleman.It will never end if he gets the upper hand.
With his dramatic “life changing favour “ request and his history of moving so often I would imagine he has some sort of OCD / MH issue. I would be sympathetic to this and go out of my way not to upset or antagonise him but also keep your boundaries firm and think of your daughter who may be home alone next time he kicks off.

That's exactly how I feel about it, thank you.

Obviously it’s best for your DD not to rise to it but I understand his pain if your front door is anything like my neighbours. The old ones just could not turn the handle at all and would let the door slam hard to shut it. New neighbours (same door) and haven’t heard it once. Does your door make a noise and why?

The neighbour will leave again soon enough for his own sanity presumably.

What odd behaviour from a grown man! He has no peg to stand on if his dog barks for hours on end weekly.

I wonder if he is noise sensitive and then living alone he is just not used to normal noise of family life.

Unless your slamming the door shut repeatedly it's hardly the end of the world. It takes seconds to open and close a door.

If he complains again, tell him to contact the council. They'll laugh their tits off.

I think that may well be the case and I do empathise that he's sensitive and so am mindful that we enter and leave quietly (not that we're noisy anyway) but I think we are entitled to come and go freely ultimately, Its a semi detached house. How would this man react with a crying baby next door or a large family coming and going constantly or a couple who had parties every weekend? I do think that he really should have bought a detached property. We do have a mutual friend in an ex of mine from several years ago - said ex works for DWP and said that neighbour once rung him to report that his then neighbour was on the roof fixing something but shouldn't be doing it as he got DLA so wanted my ex to initiate a sting operation!
So I feel like whoever he lives next to he is going to find fault ultimately.

I think it is very relevant.

If he is a unhinged man, living next door ro a young woman who is there on her own a lot of the time, and is given to spiteful retaliation, his sexuality is felevant to how he might devide to retaliate.

I don't know what the answer is to a neighbour who is determined to be offended by normal, everyday noise. You could go round to his house and listen to the sound of your front door opening and closing (maybe take your DH as you might have to listen from the neighbour's bedroom!). You could stand in his hallway while he goes in and out of your door, to confirm to him that your door is no more noisy than his. Ultimately though, I think if it wasn't your front door it would be something else. You could ask him to let you know calmly, if he has been disturbed, rather than his ridiculous overreaction.

Don’t bow down to his pressure and everytime he makes his ridiculous noise, record him, record the dog when it’s barking and tell him anymore and you’re going to report him!

Cheeky fucker

Of course op mentioned him being gay as otherwise you’d get lots of posts about him stalking and maybe being a violent sexual risk to her daughter. The man may still be violent but a sexual risk not so much since his gay.

You need to report his dog op. I know you don’t want to but he cannot complain about normal door closing sounds and have a dog that barks for hours on end and then go on his little crazy rampage 24hour after you come home once at 11pm.

Your dh should have totally gone and had words.

Your door does sound annoying though.

It sounds like a normal door.

People are so weird. If a door sounds "annoying" that's a you problem, not the door or the owner of the door's problem. People need to get in and out of their houses.

You're doing the right thing OP. I might listen if he had some sensible things to say, but he sounds mad as a box of frogs and should live in a detached house away from everyone.

He could have misophonia but it is more likely to be a control issue. His noise doesn't matter but yours does. He is obviously obsessing and fixating on it by keeping a record of your DD movements. I'd talk to him. Tell him you'll explore putting different draft excludes on the door, which may cut down on some noise but also explore what his issues are. He needs to recognise that in most British housing stock you will occasionally hear neighbour noise, and you have to find a way of living with it, like you not complaining about his dogs barking. I'd also make if clear that banging on the wall is not an appropriate response.

Anyone who lives in a semi is going to hear next door, it's part and parcel of living with neighbours.

His dog barking is very antisocial, I had a noise dispute with a neighbour once over constant barking, it actually went to mediation through the council and she ended up rehoming the poor dog.

I've been feeling bad the last couple of very cold mornings when I've left for work at 6am. My car has been frozen shut, I've had to climb over from the passenger side, start the engine, force my door open and both doors need really slamming to close them. I'm assuming the neighbours have heard but no one has said anything although I imagine it's annoying 😂 but, it can't be helped, I need to close the doors and I need to go to work, just annoying neighbourhood noise!

Tell him if he’s not careful you’ll sell to me. By the time he’s woken up to my pet ducks quacking the garden down for breakfast a few times and enjoyed my live-streamed opera, he’ll be longing for that front door.

I'd love to live next door to you @ComtesseDeSpair !

I love the sound of busy ducks quacking away, it never fails to make me smile, and I like opera, too. 😄

OP's neighbour sounds batshit though. YANBU, OP.

Sorry OP but your daughter is not a kid. Yours is a fully grown very over 18 adult of 23.

Besides the seemingly crazy neighbour you are way too worried about your adult daughter living safely in your secure and safe home.

Agree! I'd love some ducks next door that would be amazing

What a mad thing to say.

What a mad thing to reply.

The fact that he said a “life changing favour”
tells you all you need to know (who hinges their life on a door! Crazy!)

and that he’s not concerned about his dog barking - the epitome of self centredness

id ignore but log with neighbourhood police

I think ignoring is best a we had neighbours like this once and we just ignored - the sort that want to own a parking space when there are none allocated and want complete silence - they moved in the end as we ignored all their complaining

i hear next doors door closing but isn't that something you expect unless detached?

he sounds mad.
id maybe ask if he was ok as you heard a lot of thumping around late at night and see his reaction.

if not, ignore and smile.