Neighbour and not rising to it

[McHot]

Background: we have lived here 16 years - we being me & DD. DD is 23
Neighbour , single middle-aged gay man with his cute dog, bought house next door a year ago, previously to this the house was rented out to various different tenants.

I work away and live with my DH most of the time in another city but we will come back to the house every other weekend, the rest of the time it's my DD who lives here alone with occasional sleep overs from her BF.

I was glad when neighbour moved in and glad he was gay and seemed nice as ultimately he was a single man moving in next to my young daughter and rightly or wrongly I felt safer that he was gay.

Anyway, about 4 months ago I had 3 friends over on a Friday night, we had food and drinks etc and they left around 11.30pm.
The next night at around 11.20pm the neighbour started thumping on our adjoining wall (houses adjoin with hallways so our stairs are next to each other) , he also started screaming and shouting and this went on for around 10 minutes then stopped dead. DD were already well in bed by this time. I was a little concerned he was having some kind of medical episode at the time.

A couple of days later we spoke in the garden completely normally and he asked me if I could do him a "life-changing favour". Apparently our front door closes too loudly and we had disturbed him when my friends had left at 11.30pm. So it became clear then that the next night was a punishment. He stated that he had moved 3 times in 5 years because of "noisy neighbours" and thought this house was ok because they joined at the hallway but he'd "probably have to move again".

I said I was happy to hear any solutions he might have but unfortunately our front door closes how it closes and there was not much I could do. He asked if I ever heard noise from his house and I said yes as the dog barks continuously when he leaves the house every Saturday night from 7pm until around 2am usually but he said he wasn't worried about that as that's just the dog. which is fair enough.

Anyway always cordial inbetween in the garden we'll say hello etc. Last Friday I went out with my friends and came home alone at around 12am.
The next night once again he started pounding on the stairs wall and screeching at around 11.30 til 12.15am. This time my husband was at the house and was raging and wanted to go round but I told him not to react as DD is here most of the time on her own and we don't know this man, he might be unstable. We had again been in bed since around 10.30.

Anyway, AIBU to NEVER let this man get a reaction out of me? I have lived here peacably for 16 years and don't intend to rise to his retribution for when he thinks I've opened my own front door too loudly or at the wrong time.

What would you do?? We both own our home, me outright, him mortgage so nobody is going anywhere.

I tell my DH off for closing the front door too loudly. It’s as if it could come off the hinges. This isn’t the way I close it. He’s just heavy handed and needs to be reminded quite frequently to close it gently.

Maybe your neighbour has a point!

Reported.

Ah yes maybe he does. Maybe I do about the dog barking, Now what? Shall we both start thumping on the walls to even stuff up?

If you want to. Or you could just get a new door. Then speak to him about sorting his dog issue out.

I think not rising to it is the best course of action, because it stops it escalating. He'll get bored eventually. He sounds insane though.

Stop calling me a troll (thats twice now). This breaks Mumsnet guidelines so I have reported the post.

A new door does not a new dog make. I think you're being a little bit projecting because of your heavy handed husband, by the tone of it,

🤦‍♀️.

And I still think you're projecting. Shall we not rise to each other?

No need to rise to anything. This is your problem, not mine. I was simply explaining that the door may actually be a bigger problem than you think and you could get a new one. If you choose to continue to ignore MN advice and continue to aggravate your neighbour then it is likely you are actually enjoying the drama. Good luck to you, hope it doesn’t turn nasty.

Oh god, I feel bad now because of my door. I really hope it doesn’t bother my neighbour. It just won’t close or lock properly unless I slam it shut. I’ve had two people look at it since I moved in (readjusted it, changed the locks, etc), but it’s just really old and needs to be replaced. I do plan on getting it done eventually, but it’s not cheap. They quoted me nearly £1000 for a new one 😱

Is ring the police next time he's screaming in the middle of the night - tell them he urgently needs a welfare check because he sounds like he's being murdered in there! Let him explain to the police why he's wailing like a maniac because his next door neighbour has closed a door!

I wouldn't fuck about with this tbh - I'd be reporting the dog noise - this man couldn't be more clear in his pov that he is important, his noise is something that you have to put up with, because you are not as worthy of consideration as him. But you have to tiptoe around or else he has a tantrum. Why aren't you more angry?

I also wouldn't continue to feel reassured that he's not as much of a threat because he's gay. He can still be a violent threat, even if the threat isn't sexual violence - he sounds scary tbh and I'd want that on the police radar just in case.

He stated that he had moved 3 times in 5 years because of "noisy neighbours" and thought this house was ok because they joined at the hallway but he'd "probably have to move again".

I would start doing everything possible to start encouraging him to move!

Given he waits 24 hours before retaliating, you could just make sure the door closes an evening when you will all be out the following evening so you won’t even hear him.

My last post still stands too!

Totally agree, I have a 22yo and would be totally freaked out of she lived alone most of the time and the batshit crazy man knew her every move. Ignore this poster OP.

I think you need to go to his house and hear the door. There could be an easy fix. But I do doubt that. I lived next to someone who had a noisy door. It did wake me up. He didn’t understand until he came round and heard it. it got fixed

with the dog. It’s not a happy dog that barks for 5hours straight. That is more a nuisance. He needs to be made aware as if he cares he will do something.

I appreciate this may not be the most comfortable conversation to have, but next time you see him, could you just ask him why he bangs on the wall and shouts? In my experience most people pull these sorts of stunts because they never get called out on them. You could just ask him very politely why he does it. If he denies it happened, you can assure him you hear it. If he says its to let you know what it's like to listen to noise, you can politely ask how he will react if you do the same in retaliation for his dog barking. Just remain calm and reasonable and see how he likes being put on the spot.

Put wd40 on your door hinges and locks. Close door quietly. My DH is a front door slammer. Drives me insane

Buy a big dig that barks every Friday night from 7pm till 2 am.
But I'm petty 😩

how do you shut your door? is it not fitting well and perhaps needs adjusted?

have you tried closing the door quietly and not slamming it if thats what you currently do in order to get it to click shut or whatever?

what have you tried by way of compromise in the interest of being a considerate neighbour, even if the guy is a fruit loop.

I'd be concerned that he's a bit unhinged too, given his history of having problems with 'noisy neighbours'. If you live in a semi, you're going to hear normal household noise on occasion and that's just part and parcel of living in close quarters. Has your house got a ring doorbell? I would keep to your normal routine, you can't walk on eggshells but I wouldn't go out of your way to antagonise him or retaliate to his weird behaviour. If he does approach your DD and his behaviour is worrying or intimidating, then I would contact the police. He may even have a record of irrational complaints and disputes.