Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

I can't speak for every couple, of course, but abusers tend to follow a path that's well-researched and understood in the literature on domestic abuse. Love-bombing is a huge part of it. Look up the power and control wheel for more info. I've definitely seen some couples where the man was awful from the off, yes. But most people take more conning than that, hence the tactics of the abuser. Pregnancy is famously a time when abuse can first start. Some men just cannot resist abusing their power once a woman is dependent on him or trapped in some way. Not many people would marry someone who spoke to them the way OP's husband spoke to her, had they done it before they were committed, wedding all booked and paid for, etc.

Sometimes. I've seen that.

My ex husband said to me on my wedding day, “you know I hate those silly curls in your hair” and whenever I saw my wedding photos it was a battle to not hear that.

it was about control and his low self esteem . He hadn’t seen any of the wedding outfit plan from my side, so he just wanted to belittle the choices I made without his input. He needed me to not be able to do things without his input. But also couldn’t quite be bothered to have any input. So whatever I did was wrong. It’s a big part of why he is ex.

I am sorry that he hasn’t been able to give you the feedback you wanted to hear. You do need to ask him some questions about why though. Particularly before you consider having kids with him. Because he’ll do this to them too. And if you are sad now, you’ll be even sadder when he also tells your kids they don’t look amazing when they’ve gone to a lot of effort to be so.

I completely agree, on her WEDDING DAY. I mean, really? you'd pretend to give her a card expressing how much you loved her which you know is being filmed on her wedding day and you swap it with a card with a kid's cartoon on?

I mean, why stop there- why not put a whoopee cushion on her seat at the bridal table - such a laugh! or joke about her sex life with all her exes during his groom's speech - just for a giggle. There are times and contexts when humour becomes cruelty and this is one of them.

I am so sorry OP - I can imagine this is a lot to get your head around, I hope you have someone to support you and to talk to about this. I've seen various writings from psychologists and relationship therapists and they all say the same thing - that contempt is the biggest predictor of marriage break up. I would have a really honest reflection about this and see if this features in your history together. You really do deserve better.

That's not kind and yes, it is people who have been made to feel bitter because of their own experiences that tend to decide very quickly that all relationships/partners are the same, they're not.

Nope - I am in a very happy lasting marriage of 22 years, my husband is my best friend, we love each other and he is a wonderful father. I very much believe in love, but thats not what the OP describes.

The fact I am in a respectful marriage is exactly why I can see how toxic and damaging his behaviour is and its only likely to get worse as time goes on.

God how sad. How dare he make you feel like that on your wedding day. Sadly he's a giant red flag. I'd not spend the rest of my life with such a selfish arsehole.

Oh @PeppyDenimSheep ive just read your other post where you describe Valentine’s Day and your DH’s reaction to you feeling hormonal and overwhelmed/upset. I am going through some hormonal stuff myself and the feelings are very strange. Feelings of overwhelm and, in my case, impending doom! For no apparent reason. It’s scary and strange and you needed someone to scoop you up and say kind and reassuring things. Instead he got angry and upset with you. Made it all about him. Had you apologising and trying to sympathise with HIS upset feelings!

How dare he?! I can understand perhaps he felt a little deflated that his “efforts” on Valentines Day weren’t appreciated as much as he would have hoped, but he could have put those feelings on the back burner and realised you weren’t in control of your feelings at the time. Though personally I think you did appreciate the effort and the gestures, and you made that clear. Your feelings of overwhelm and sadness were nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. But for some reason because he is a selfish abusive self centred asshole he has decided to link your feelings to Valentine’s Day and thereby make out as if you’re ungrateful and annoying. He’s done that because he’s one of those men who think everything is, or should be, about them.

The wedding day annoyed him because the bride is centre of attention. He didn’t like that, so he put you down and made sure you were put in your place. His ego couldn’t allow you to come above him in status on the day so he made nasty digs and made you feel small to make himself feel better (it is perfectly normal for the bride to have more of the attention than the groom and most men have zero issue with that. He’s the one who wanted the big wedding. I assume he wanted that for himself. To strut about and get loads of attention. Only he didn’t like that the bride seemed to get more attention than him!).

With your recent hormonal mood change (which was upsetting and debilitating and confusing for you), he again managed to turn all the attention to himself. HE was sick of being around you. HE couldn’t wait to get away. How cruel!! Again I am guessing he wanted lots of praise and attention for getting the flowers and taking you out for Valentine’s Day, but when you began crying the day after (which you explained was nothing to do with Valentine’s Day) he didn’t want to pander to your feelings as he felt he’d already done enough for you. There is zero empathy and instead he got nasty and said horrible things to you at a time when you were fragile and needed a hug and some kindness.

I repeat what I, and almost everyone else on here, has said already: he is not a nice man. Flowers and a dinner date are gestures only. That is him performing the role of “good husband”. Probably so he can tell his mates what a great and generous guy he is. And to have you big him up to your friends and family. But these gestures are meaningless if he is not kind to you and has no respect for you.

His ego is enormous. But he is a small, emotionally immature, petty, spiteful, precious man who will only continue to emotionally abuse you throughout your marriage the longer you stay in it. He will make you apologise for yourself when you don’t know what you’ve done wrong. He will give you the silent treatment to punish you when you’ve “upset him”. You will doubt your sanity. You will be locked into a cycle of trauma bonding where you need him to make you feel better about the fall outs (which are his fault, but which he will make you own). You will be picked apart and criticised endlessly. You will forever be trying to fix yourself to fix the relationship. You will be blamed for everything. You will start to walk on eggshells and police what you do and say so you don’t upset him.

This is your future with this man. He doesn’t want the best for you. It will get worse. Please think about getting out. The sooner the better.

Read the OPs other thread.
He’s a dick.

I’m not bitter and I’m in a very happy marriage where I’m treated with respect. That makes it easier to spot when people aren’t being treated well by their partner.

Being unkind to your wife on your actual wedding day is not the behaviour of a nice person who loves and respects his partner.

’bitter Betty’s’.
You don’t like or respect women either do you?

I don’t mean like a literal princess all the time I mean on the one day we are supposed to have the day feeling like one ffs!

If you and @PollyBell or anyone else don’t agree with anything anyone says then simply scroll on, away from the comment, and make your own!

Point is her husband is an arsehole for not making her feel special! Nothing wrong with wanting that!

Whilst we are on the subject, stop putting other people down (a generic comment to people doing this) on threads like this for having an opinion that doesn’t align with your own, then singling people out!

He’s jealous of you because he wants to be the centre of attention. Unlikely to end well.

wow I just saw the other thread- he is awful.

If anyone reads that and still thinks OP should give him another chance they must have standards as low as the sewers

He sounds petulant and jealous about the wedding. I think the key question is, is he like that about other things? Does he treat you as a partner or does he just want you in the background performing tasks he doesn't want to do himself?
If it's a one off and all wedding related I'd talk to him about why, was there something about the day he was upset about?
If it's more a marriage thing e.g. he sees you as lesser, I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, it depends if you think there is love there or not.

He's an arse but it sounds a bit like you planned the wedding you wanted and left him out of it. Or was he on board and now being shitty?

You wanted a big white dress and he didn't, you wanted a photographer to capture "special moments " getting dressed. He thinks it's pointless. That's not just a man thing.

Did he agree with the letter idea then decided to make a joke of it?

Did he agree to the venue or did he say at the time that he'd like an equally sized room to get ready in?

Was he on board with a big traditional wedding buying into all the bullshit that goes into commercial weddings. Or did he suggest anything else at the time?

I can see how you'd be upset if he didn't say anything when you organised it then retrospectively slagged you and your choices off. If he bitched about it at the time and you didn't listen then it's less surprising.

Have you deliberately missed the bit where it was him that wanted the big wedding?

It sounds to me you had wedding planners, didn't really want them - you didn't need them, as you now feel as if a lot of the day was not in character.

Your dh is being rude, just because you're married doesn't mean you can lose your filters. Tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about the day. Not about you- what would you both have done differently.

You've got another 9 months to sort it out, or file for no fault divorce.

He does sound a massive twat though.

people please read her other thread

Looking at the other thread, OP needs to see from this thread why she might be suffering from depression

@Happy2237 suggest you read the other thread.

As should several other posters who wanted to make this thread a sounding board for their irritation with modern weddings and use it as a chance to point out how low key their own ‘perfect’ weddings were, I mean jeez, talk about egocentric!

In OP other thread she talks of her struggling with her mental health the past few days and his nastiness about it and how she suffered a bereavement and he was unsupportive and uncaring about that.

He has a history of being a self absorbed narcissistic a’hole.

Jesus wept it doesn't look like @MeMeMeMeOw has done that at all and I can't see she's doing anything you're accusing her of. This thread has got people having arguments between themselves that's not helpful. You're going on about singling people out then doing that yourself to two posters.

This is about the OP and her rotten husband.

He's a narcissist. He doesn't see you as a team, he sees you as rivals. LTB. Don't have kids, he'll be jealous of them too.

I am undecided as to whether these women have a bar that’s extremely low, or whether they are pick-me types. Probably a mixture of both, along with a bizarre desire to turn against the OP.

Indeed- and accusing anyone of saying the OP deserves better is just "bitter" because they haven't had a good history of relationships themselves is batshit.

Being in a decent relationship makes the husband's behaviours even more shocking because when you're used to being treated with respect and decency, anything less than that feels deeply unhealthy.

Why do these twats get married in the first place? Just so they can play games and amuse themselves? They're absolutely rancid.

They think it looks good to be married and have kids and they like the idea of owning a wife and children. They don't want a wife with any confidence or self esteem because then she'll ditch them.