Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

Firstly, please do not ever minimise women’s experiences by calling them “bitter betty’s”. That’s such a horrible thing to say. I can tell you that many of us who are posting here have survived marriages where this sort of insidious gaslighting and abuse starts early when you’re trapped and escalates. I’ve lived this. It’s all a bit of a giggle, you’re too sensitive, you can’t take a joke. For a newly wedded man to make such shockingly awful comments to his wife and for her not to see it means he’s done a number on her for a long time. None of it is acceptable and it won’t get better. Sometimes a bunch of strangers with scars open your eyes. You’re very very lucky that this hasn’t happened to you.

Yeah my ex husband was like this. Humiliating me, gaslighting me, it was all a “joke”
and I had no sense of humour. Except he was an inadequate man who got his strength from putting me in my place.

He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.”

“Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.”

it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.”

Ouch, op. He really doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you. He reminds me of those nasty girls in school who would constantly make nasty, disparaging digs and bitchy comments. He has mocked you relentlessly and told you that you're not worthy of nice things. Is he always this bad? Was it some sick and twisted way of managing his wedding day nerves? Which BTW is still unacceptable.

You’re not too sensitive… HE is! You have married a man with a seriously fragile ego. You can spend your whole life placating him (this is a learned manipulative tool of his to get what he wants) or tell him to get therapy and work on it himself so that he can become a functioning adult.

Wow can you divorce this man already!
Sorry that might sound harsh but when you list it together like that..
It's like he's resenting you for getting any attention at all.
The word narcissist is screaming at me..

What hurtful comments! Did you tell him how it made you feel? Even if he was not overly enamoured with the dress, he should be seeing you in it!

None of us are princesses and don't need to be treated as one. We need to be equals and treated like that.

Sounds like a lot how my ex behaved in the run up to our wedding.

Turned out he was secretly gay but didn’t want to admit it and was using me as his house keeper, child raiser and cashpoint whilst shagging men behind my back. He didn’t love me and a big part of him resented the fact that he was having to pretend that he did in order to maintain his lifestyle.

In hindsight it was so obvious but I didn’t want to see it.

When people show you who they really are, take note.

@PeppyDenimSheep "I am going to stop reading replies now and not open this thread anymore as I feel a bit overwhelmed with everything"

Hands down the most-breaking final comment from a poster I've ever seen.

When people show you who they are, believe them! 😔

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

I am genuinely sorry for your experience, but there is a whole world of assumption here. What he's said is not amazing no, and the OP's feelings are valid, i'd definitely pull him up on all of it but it's not clear if she has, how he's responded to her feelings nor the context of his remarks. I am not minimising womens experience's at all, but some people are jumping the gun to paint a very hurtful picture, based on their own experiences. I'm not saying you're definitely wrong but I don't think there's enough in what the op has said to justify her ending her marriage and believing her husband doesn't even like her. That's not kind and yes, it is people who have been made to feel bitter because of their own experiences that tend to decide very quickly that all relationships/partners are the same, they're not. This man sounds like a thoughtless d* but he's not necessarily intentionally being so, he may have a terrible sense of humour and not like to express his feelings. One thing I do know is, that usually it the partner is bad, your family will be the first to pick up on these vibes and the fact they feel otherwise suggests maybe he just needs telling how he's coming across.

@PeppyDenimSheep
Ask your husband how he likes this screenshot.
It’s for him, about him.

God give me strength. Another arsehole of a man who shows his true colours once he reckons his partner is trapped.

My exH started being weird three weeks before the wedding, not answering my communications and he was really mean to me about the honeymoon (won't bore you with the story). He was fine with the wedding itself, but those other things were the start of years of emotional abuse that got steadily worse with the years. Mixed in with a lot of sweetness, of course, to make me second-guess myself.

Anyway, just know that some men - seems to be a lot - basically start treating their partners like shit once they feel you're trapped. Famously, it often starts when she gets pregnant. But it can also start once the wedding is close, or after you're married, or in some cases, when dating for a while. The latter are the "lucky" ones as you can get out easier at that point.

He's someone who doesn't think women are as important as men and wants to control his partner, OP. That's what this is all about. He's negging you in order to gain power and control over you. Of course he wasn't going to tell you what a beautiful bride you were. If it helps, on the nights I would get dressed up for an event with him, and I would look my absolute best, he would totally ignore me. Including at my fortieth. And when one of our guests mentioned that "Pithy looked so beautiful," he just said something rude.

I have lived this and I can tell you right now that you're flogging a dead horse. I know this is too much to ask, and of course you probably want to try to work it out - same as I did - but, just once, when these arrogant, inadequate, nasty little boys start, I wish their partner would give him the shock of his life and end the relationship so fast his balls would spin around his bum.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is almost certainly the thin end of the wedge, and you deserve so much better. You deserve a real man who is able to appreciate his bride, not a nasty little boy who's emotionally a toddler. Look up covert narcissism.

I stayed so long because the world was less enlightened then, and because I didn't know what on earth was happening, and because I was brought up with the strong idea that marriage was to be worked at and that you stayed together no matter what. Now I know, having wasted all my good years, that that's incorrect. You are far, far better getting out quickly.

Sending hugs xxx

I'm happy for you that you don't know how abusive men operate. They are absolutely wonderful to you until you're trapped, and then it turns out they hate your guts. Of COURSE the OP would not have married someone who spoke to her like this before they were committed.

I wonder if OP can find grounds for an annulment. Detesting your bride could count as having married her under false pretences.

Ill ask you one question and this answer will be the answer you’re looking for to make your decision…

Fast forward a few years and you have a son…

If he treated his new wife that way and you found out, what would you say to him?

Fast forward a few years and you have a daughter…

If you found out her new husband treated her that way, what would you say to her?

If you have a son with this guy, he will grow up the same, thinking he can treat women appallingly.

If you have a daughter with this guy, she will grow up thinking that’s how all men treat women and will enter relationships feeling just like you do now.

In this situation, this isn’t just about how you’re feeling right now, this is your future and your future children and how they will be bought up and affected.

This won’t get any better. Consider how you feel now and move on whilst you can. The longer it goes on and when children are involved, it gets messy and will be too late. I really hope it works out for you x

OP, let me guess:

He can be really, really lovely, and often was earlier in the relationship.
He still mixes in loveliness with comments like the ones you've written about.
He sometimes can't help making negative remarks about women under the guise of "jokes".
He's quite competitive in general.
He can be very emotional and sometimes gets very upset.
He uses the silent treatment for no reason.
He ruins special days, weekends, etc.

Here's a link about covert narcissistic husbands.
https://couplestherapyinc.com/the-signs-of-a-covert-narcissist-husband/

She got married because he wasn't such a shit to her before he had her trapped.

is he your exdh? Just curious - you called him your dh so it sounds like you're still together. I'm interested to know how things panned out for you, because mine started being awful around the wedding too, but I did stay as I hadn't a cue what was going on, and it all got so much worse. Did you get out?

Absolutley this can we stop with the princess comments please - that may work if you are 3 even then I find it weird

Or do people not choose to see it?

NO she did NOT. Abusers only start when they've got you trapped. The most famous time this starts is when she's pregnant. But it can start at any point when he feels she can't/won't get out, and around the wedding is the "perfect" time when the mask can start slipping. They know full well that most people are not going to refuse to go through with a wedding. I'm sure you didn't mean to victim-blame, you just don't know how these abusers work, and I'm happy for you for that. Abusers would never have anyone trapped to abuse if they showed their true selves before the entrapment, would they?

There are also people who are exactly the way they are with a big red siren on their head saying stay away I am an awful person yet people still fall for it, yes it is easier to think they are they come across as a saint before hand but yes some people are exactly who they are and people choose not to see it deliberately, and it can be obvious to everyone around them

it can be dressed up anyway people want it happens

Leave his sorry genes to fester on the shelf and go find an upgrade.

🤣🤣🤣 Reading that healed a tiny part of my soul, so thank you. This is exactly what I did with the husband I had that seemed to hate me and treated me with more and more contempt and disrespect as the years passed. (Which only started after the wedding.) I haven't found an upgrade as he put me off men for life, but I didn't reproduce with him. No way did he deserve a nice wife OR a baby.

OP I’m so sorry, this is NOT how men are supposed to behave. I know the bar is in hell but Jesus Christ.

My ex-DH had, I realised now, covert narcissistic tendencies. He gaslit me, emotionally abused me, went out until 4am the night before my waters broke (sound familiar?) and even HE did not behave like this on or about our wedding day. So if even my genuine bottom of the barrel ex-DH wasn’t this bad, I have some serious concerns for you.

I know he won’t be like this all the time. No abusers are, that’s how they get us. But it’s so easy to get lulled into a pattern of behaviour that, like a frog in a slowly boiling pot of water, you don’t notice until it’s too late. This is the warning you’ve realised for yourself, whether you heed it is up to you.

I cannot agree too much with this post.

Abusers mix their bile in with a lot of honey.

OP, prepare to be love-bombed once he realises that he's gone too far. There'll be tears and sorries and declarations of love and various excuses. All will be honeymoon, until the next cycle of tension-building begins. This is what you're in for. Your situation is very familiar to those of us who have trodden this path before you.