Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

If you read my reply I caveat it by the parentheses! So therefore haven’t singled anyone out.

Im replying to the poster and another one as you do in threads like these, and giving a response to what they’ve said!

Im merely pointing out putting others down generally on threads like these (me without naming anyone btw) isn’t a kind thing to do. See last paragraph if you’re not entirely sure!

I could point out how @MeMeMeMeOw does actually criticise me and single me out (I mean they replied directly to a post I put and included the quote) but I won’t go in to detail.

100% agree.

@PeppyDenimSheep You sound lovely.

People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things.

This is not a typical man. It’s a certain type of man. Who’s disrespectful, unkind and immature. And appears jealous of you. He sounds like a particularly petulant 14 year old.

You haven’t said if he’s like this in general or only about the wedding. He perhaps found it a bit OTT, inauthentic and excruciating. You’ve said yourself, the wedding planner suggested the letter exchange when it’s not something either of you would naturally want to do.

However…

The way he’s behaved (both during and since) is disrespectful, immature and unkind. Especially, as @DrinkFeckArseBrick says, about the letter, as that was in front of people and being filmed. He may be prone to dark, slightly sarcastic humour. Nothing wrong with that, in general. But your wedding day wasn’t the time or the place. It’s humiliating for you and therefore v disrespectful to you. On your wedding day or all days, when he should be full of love and respect for you and wanting to make you feel special and safe.

He (along with everyone who’s told you he’s a typical man) needs to realise mature masculinity means a man speaking his mind and communicating in a kind, open, constructive and respectful manner (e.g. “I’d rather not exchange letters as it’d feel inauthentic, staged and embarrassing. What I’d like to say to Peppy is for a private moment, rather than performed for the camera”). Not to “go along with things” only to sabotage them and humiliate you in the process. No respect.

The jealousy is another red flag. Both over the room, the photos and the male photographer.

You need to explain you found his behaviour disrespectful and suggest he works on his maturity. But don’t tolerate or excuse this sort of behaviour for too long. And don’t have a child with him unless/until he can act maturely.

Oh @PeppyDenimSheep this isn’t typical man behaviour lovely. He sounds resentful and bitter. The card bit is so mean and uncaring.

Don’t accept crumbs from the start, it will make your life miserable if you do. You need to work out some boundaries and do some serious talking together.

Yes, I do actually, if you knew me you'd know how ridiculous a statement that is. I just have experience of a couple of unmarried friends who haven't had any children who you can confide in about a tiny disagreement about who's turn it is to take the bins out and they'll have you walk away from them thinking you're on a slippery slope, not loved and they have always thought you needed to be careful....and my husband is amazing. Mumsnet, in the kindest of ways, is full of forceful opinions and some very vulnerable and upset people who have had terrible things happen to them, I'm not taking that away but you don't tell someone you don't know, that their marriage is over and he doesn't love you based on this one thread. Tell her to address it with him and validate her feelings as he has been an insensitive idiot but to jump on this and go so overboard is coming from a bad place. I haven't read the OP's other thread, I will now, I'm not saying he's not wrong and there's nothing to be answered, nor that hunches on here might not be correct but the fact that the OP is so overwhelmed by these comments telling her she's in an abusive situation and that her husband doesn't like her because of what's been written in this thread alone, I was completely taken a back. I am not trying to minimise anything but a gentler more kind approach would maybe have meant OP would've stayed. All of our experiences differ and they're good to share but no need to insist your experience is others. Also, getting so personal is odd, when I said bitter Betty's I aimed it at no individual, I'm sorry if that hurt anyone's feelings, but I couldn't see how anyone could be so blunt and hurtful towards her situation without it coming from a place of their own hurt.

@Happy2237 She has another thread where he's been terrible over last weekend.

Also, getting so personal is odd, when I said bitter Betty's I aimed it at no individual, I'm sorry if that hurt anyone's feelings, but I couldn't see how anyone could be so blunt and hurtful towards her situation without it coming from a place of their own hurt.

It didn't hurt my feelings. It just showed your internalised misogyny.

Sometimes people need to hear blunt opinions and that's what it takes to see that you are in an abusive situation. He treated her appallingly and went out of his way to humiliate her on their wedding day. She wanted to know if she was being too sensitive and most of us have been emphatic in our opinion that no, she is too sensitive that that he is unkind to her.

The fact that you see women calling out men's poor behaviour as 'bitter' makes you part of the problem.
I'm not bitter, I have boundaries and I expect to be treated with respect. especially by someone I have chosen to marry.

Should say she isn’t too sensitive

The fact that you see women calling out men's poor behaviour as 'bitter' makes you part of the problem
I'm not bitter, I have boundaries and I expect to be treated with respect. especially by someone I have chosen to marry.

I agree and actually, those of us in healthy/happy relationships are probably more likely to spot signs of disrespect and cruelty because our self esteem isnt being beaten down on a daily basis by horrible abusive men. Its the old frog in boiling water analogy. This man was cruel to the OP on her wedding day. It doesnt make someone "bitter" to point that out.

I have never said OP's too sensitive, I've never said his behaviour is acceptable but on this thread alone if these are the only incident's there's no way you should push someone who feels vulnerable and upset to be thinking she's made such a huge misjudgement and tell her that her husband, the person she loves, doesn't even like her. She's literally left the chat and people like you have pushed away a women you claim to be concerned for and are still trying to massage your own ego's with carrying on and branding people misogynistic and without boundaries because they feel you've assumed they should be as venomous as you. I sincerely hope OP is ok. I'd defend your comment about my character but tbh you're wrong, I just hope you heal and your ignorance and ego don't need anymore attention.

Please highlight where I have been venomous? or tired to massage my own ego?

Calling women 'bitter Betty's' for calling out men's poor behaviour is an example internalised misogyny.

The example she shared showed the behaviour of a man who does not like or respect her. Her other thread shows that this is not an isolated incident and he has form for treating her unkindly.
It might be hard for her to hear but do you really think a better approach is to defend his behaviour? To tell her that he's just a 'typical man'? That is far more damaging and normalises men treating women poorly.

“it is people who have been made to feel bitter because of their own experiences that tend to decide very quickly”.

“One thing I do know is, that usually it the partner is bad, your family will be the first to pick up on these vibes”
@Happy2237to address the points you raised:

1. many people have been supported and helped here, precisely by those “bitter Bettys” to whom you refer. It is grossly insulting to use that term, thereby minimising their experiences.
2. Your second point about the families knowing if a partner is controlling or abusive does not ring true. You only have to look at statistics around domestic abuse to figure that one out. How many family members knew about abuse cases, for instance?

I’m delighted for you that you are in a loving relationship; this coming from someone who is not a “Bitter Betty”, but please, don’t be an apologist for abusive behaviour.

Bitter Betty, Debbie Downer, Moaning Minnie... Funny how they're not Bradley, David or Matthew isn't it? These names need to stop, along with "Karen".

I clicked on YABU by mistake and it can't be undone! Could only assume the other few YABUs were also errors but apparently not - astonishing.

It's completely normal for a bride to be the main focus at her wedding, he should've expected that. Unfortunately, his attitude/behaviour towards you now is probably the best you can expect during your marriage as you're (literally) in the 'honeymoon ' period. Unless he has heaps of redeeming qualities and the wedding examples are out of character, then i dread to think how jealous and unkind he'll become 10 or so years down the line. I'm very sorry for you OP, this should be the happiest time of your relationship.

Sorry that this has happened to you. NO, NO, men are not like that!! I'm a man (albeit a very old man). This behaviour by anyone man, boyfriend, husband, son (even wife) is not acceptable. He needs to be subtly and regularly challenged on his substandard, hurtful, dismissing view of things other than himself. Attitudes can and do change through "education", careful "challenge". NO, this is not all men are like that -- and if they are, it's a crying shame. The male species has to evolve!!

Sounds like an ex of mine.
Jealous probably. Trying to put you down and belittle you and make it all seem like not a big deal, probably because he knows you could do better.

Please have it out with him pronto.
And tell him everything about his behavoiur and what he said that is unacceptable to you. Being jealous of his own wife on her wedding day is pathetic. Men are usually proud and happy to show off their wives on their wedding day.

If he starts to argue back inform him inform him of your wish for divorce. He is being awful, controlling and he is punishing you.
This will only get much worse. The first year of marriage is the honeymoon!

A little bit off topic but still relevant when it comes to awful men. I'm an author. My ex read my latest book and said he couldn't believe I wrote it because "it was erudite". (Not a novel).

Sounds like a spoiled brat !
The wedding is usually centered more around the bride . Hes jealous he wasn't the centre of attention.
The card is childish and was there to make his mates laugh.
If I was you I'd cut my losses and get divorced from this man child mummy's boy

Looks like you married a baby, I'm sorry.

It seems this marriage wont last if you put up with his shit, sorry to say. I would NEVER let a man make me feel like that OR say those things he said to you. What a nasty bastard!

The whole build-up to weddings can be a stressful, expensive time for bride and groom. It sounds to me that he was heartily sick of all the performance long before the wedding. In one respect I can understand that he may feel "relegated" in the process and become resentful - you have only mentioned your view of the day, with your mother and bridesmaids, your auntie, the dress. The conversation you have started here you should have with your husband. Only then can you decide whether you think you can continue with him, just remember it was his wedding, too, because from your post, you seem to have hijacked the day.

This post is as nasty as the OP's husband. I suggest you check her other thread and have a think.

I'm not calling you bitter for calling out a man's behaviour, although people on this thread are obsessed with gender it would seem, I couldn't care less what gender her spouse is, I was just telling OP that anyone who tells her that her OH doesn't like her and she is being abused based on what she's described here alone, is not coming from a good place. You've got to be pretty bitter to be so ignorant and mean without any questions at all to try to understand. Some people's lived experience is very different to anothers and she didn't deserve to be bombarded to the point she didn't want to read anymore. I'm not defending his behaviour, i'd have loads of questions, he doesn't sound great, has he always been this way? What kind of character is he? My friend is married to a wonderful man who got hit with depression and actually turned into someone she didn't recognise, until he got treatment. Op doesn't say if it's usual for him or started recently.

@Happy2237 If this isn't abuse, then what is it? Him having a bad day?