Please tell me who is Being unreasonable

[Thisgirlcandance]

18 year old DD and me usually get along fine.
However, we are not agreeing on something and haven't done for a while now.

She insists I straighten her hair once washed a couple of time a week. It's quite thick so she can't manage it properly and is never happy with the way it turns out after she does it herself.

Secondly, when she goes out she she asks for it to be put up and styled by me as again shes not happy when doing it herself.

I feel awful now because we had a row this morning as I once again insist that she keeps trying out styles in her spare time until she finds one that works for her. I don't mind styling her hair for special occasions etc but think that by now she should be comfortable doing her hair when going out on a regular basis.

So Aibu and should stop being lazy and just help her out till she finds a style that she can do herself?

Yanbu, she won’t learn if she doesn’t practice and your not going to be around forever to do her hair. Maybe she needs it cut shorter?

She’s 18! If she can’t straighten her own hair by now she needs to leave it curly. That’s mad. What you could do is barter though - offer to do it in exchange for two laundries or making a family meal or changing the beds - or something else that takes an equivalent amount of time. Really though, 18 is well past the age when she should be able to manage her own hair.

There is no way you should be doing this she is not 5

Is it her way of spending time with you do you think?

Haha she's 18 not 8. I'd be telling her to do one you're much kinder than me. It should be a favour from you, not a chore she gets to dictate to you. What other personal care is she incapable of? Does she have disabilities?

She needs to watch you tube videos and consider a styling hairdryer. I've got a Dyson, but my granddaughter has the babyliss set, which is more affordable and can now do her own hair. You can help on special outings, but she needs to manage day to day and stop wanting perfection.

Never thought of it that way. Maybe. But she is well aware that I am not happy about it so who knows

I feel your pain, OP. No, YANBU!

My daughter, 17, recently got hair extensions put in. Despite my telling her several times beforehand that they would be high maintenance and I didn't think she would cope well with them -information she did not want to hear - she is, shockingly, not thrilled at how much work they take to style every day.

Cue Muggins here now being responsible for straightening her hair each day.
Twice we have tried my curling/waving them like the stylist did on Day 1. Unsurprisingly, given my lack of hairstyling qualifications, it hasn't turned out the same and she's been unhappy with the results.

I've had to tell her quite succinctly to spend her weekends practicing doing her hair and if she asks for my help, just be grateful I give it and don't criticise the results. If you're not happy, go wash your hair again and do it your bloody self.

It's like back to the primary school days where I had to style her hair every morning before school. Not a chore I enjoyed 10 years ago and definitely not one I enjoy now....

@Rosealeaoh give over, HOW is the OP being lazy? Sounds like the daughter just wants an on demand hairstylist for free. Stop doing it Op she can have tantrum about it if she wants, do not capitulate.

You are both unreasonable to try and'insist' about this. She can ask you to do her hair and you can say no. If she can't take no for an answer you can point out calmly that she doesn't have the right to demand that other people serve her! There's no need to row about it.

Really???? No I hadn't thought any of those things! I will now though. I feel terrible 😔 I just want them to be independent.

I'm taking the other teen into town now so will reply to your messages when I get a chance. Gosh I feel worse now

This ^ 100%

Poor kid

She is 18. She is an adult for heaven's sake!

If she can't find a way to manage her own hair at 18 then there is something far wrong.

OP isn't her servant.

Yes spending time together and talking to each other is vitally important but it shouldn't have to involve OP doing tasks for her that as an adult she should be doing herself. Pandering to her DD over this is not going the young woman any favours.

I think children can be quite clever about the ways they will carve out some quality time and possibly that is what she is doing here.
Don’t feel bad OP, it’s a positive that she wants you near her and completely understandable that you find it too much. Maybe there is a middle ground.

There is. Nothing wrong with not wanting to do another adult’s hair twice a week. There are plenty of other ways to bond - does she ask to watch films together, go out shopping together, read the same book etc?

Grumpily doing her hair will not be pleasant for her and the posters saying it’s that are projecting in my opinion.

If she genuinely finds it that difficult to manage then she needs to have a keratin treatment and some styling lessons.

When will it stop? It’s feasible to carry on like this. She’s not a little girl.

Have you ever thought you may be overreacting and projecting?

I think helping her for special occasions is fine, but not everyday. I assume she's going to move out at some point!

Why don't you make a nice girly thing of it together. Spend time together researching styles/ideas, go out to the shops together and treat her to some styling products/equipment, and then learn together. The first few days after, you can watch while she does her hair and offer suggestions etc.

I do think she should be able to manage her own hair, but don't just send her away to sort it herself without any help or any recognition that this is a big change.

And make sure you find other ways to have close, 1-1 time together.

The only two options available are not

1. You style her hair for her on demand and
2. She keeps trying out styles in her spare time until she finds one that works

I'd suggest you should go for an option 3 which is that you help her to find a style that works for her. It sounds like she may be lacking in confidence to do this on her own, so, it likes anything you do as a parent, you provide some scaffolding until they've built the confidence on their own.

Or maybe she wants someone else to do her hair because she can’t be bothered to learn to do it herself.

My DD is 18 and she normally wears her hair curly but when she wants is straightened, I do it. I am happy to do it, yes it would be a pain daily but she’s my youngest of 3 and the days of doing this are numbered.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

I would do it for her, but if I was busy, or doing something else, she’d have to fit round me. It also depends on whether she is asking you, or demanding it I think.

Oh God, your kids must see you coming if they wrap your round their little fingers like this.

"But but I waaaaaaant it muuuummmy!"

"Ok darling you should've clicked your fingers a bit louder and I would've jumped even higher for you".