Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me who is Being unreasonable

63 replies

Thisgirlcandance · 17/02/2026 09:35

18 year old DD and me usually get along fine.
However, we are not agreeing on something and haven't done for a while now.

She insists I straighten her hair once washed a couple of time a week. It's quite thick so she can't manage it properly and is never happy with the way it turns out after she does it herself.

Secondly, when she goes out she she asks for it to be put up and styled by me as again shes not happy when doing it herself.

I feel awful now because we had a row this morning as I once again insist that she keeps trying out styles in her spare time until she finds one that works for her. I don't mind styling her hair for special occasions etc but think that by now she should be comfortable doing her hair when going out on a regular basis.

So Aibu and should stop being lazy and just help her out till she finds a style that she can do herself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisgirlcandance · 17/02/2026 12:30

CoffeeCup14 · 17/02/2026 11:48

It sounds like you are really frustrated by the demands she's making on you. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want you to help a couple of times a week - like other people have said, it could be a really nice time together - but it is unreasonable if she's expecting you to drop everything to do it, or do it to a level of perfection you can't manage. Or maybe you really hate doing hair.

Your relationship will be changing, as she's now an adult, and that's really hard to navigate. It sounds like your reaction is quite extreme and it's probably worth thinking about why that is. What is it about the request/demand that is bothering you so much? Maybe there's a conversation you need to have with her about independence and expectations. I'm laying the groundwork for that with one of my teenagers and it isn't being well-receivdd!

You can set some boundaries with her around it - you're happy to help but need notice, or if you can, or for a certain amount of time, or to a certain standard. If she doesn't like what you are offering, she can find an alternative - a different hair cut or watch youtube videos to work out how to do it, or do something to help you to free up your time to help her.

You don't sound like you're mean or unkind, just frustrated. And you say yourself that you know you are being a bit unreasonable, so it sounds like you're at a good starting point.

Thank you. I am frustrated yes. I have ME/CFS, am perimenapausal and have a few domestic issues going on with my mum's side of the family, despite which I try to be fully present with my own family and it leaves me knackered.
I will work on that though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisgirlcandance · 17/02/2026 12:32

No disabilities.

OP posts:
ArcticSkua · 17/02/2026 12:37

My DD is 18 and we have a good close relationship but there's no way I'd be doing this! (To be fair she'd never ask me as she knows I'd be rubbish at it.)

BillieWiper · 17/02/2026 12:38

Just say no. I'm not a hairdresser. If you want someone to do your hair you pay a professional. Or you learn yourself. Not in a mean way but she's 18, not 5?
You could kind of do it with her to start with, don't withdraw it suddenly as she might find that a bit hurtful. But she really needs to do things like that for herself. You can have bonding time that doesn't involve you doing personal services that are usually chargeable.

Iceyday · 17/02/2026 12:43

Help her yes, become her hairdresser multiple times a week? Absolutely not.
I have an 18 year old.
She needs to practice, like normal 18 year olds do.
Mind yourself.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2026 12:56

Nah bollocks, I didn’t read where the OP had agreed to lead a Downton service ladies maid type existence !

maybe (shockingly) she’d like 2 hours to do her own hair, read a book, masturbate, rather than do another adults hair 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

MayaPinion · 17/02/2026 13:24

Manymoresometimes · 17/02/2026 10:14

I wish my mum could have helped me with my hair at that age. Used to take me hours blowdrying and straightening and i used to hate it and made me so unhappy.

There will come a time when she wont ask and wont be there and you'll miss it.

Why on earth didn’t you just get a haircut you could manage? You were 18, not a child. Do you really think your mother would have nothing better to do than blow dry her adult daughter’s hair?

Gilo2024 · 17/02/2026 13:29

I wish my mum were still about to do my hair! I’ll do my daughter’s hair when she wants as I know she’ll miss it one day. Treasure it while you can.

Original poster
Thisgirlcandance · 17/02/2026 14:19

What a mixed bag of replies! For context, I have been doing it for just over a year now. We agreed that when she turned 18 I would stop but that hasn't happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisgirlcandance · 17/02/2026 14:21

I wouldn't just stop suddenly. We have been talking about practicing etc for a while now and I believe she does. Maybe it's confidence, I don't know.

My own hair was three times thicker and an absolute nightmare to deal with so I have always bore that in mind.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 17/02/2026 15:02

Maybe ease your way out of it by saying you’ll supervise whilst she does it herself and you can tell her if she’s missed any parts etc.

If it’s a confidence thing she needs to practice so she does get confident.

ScartlettSole · 17/02/2026 21:40

I have totally shit hair. It takes ages to dry it, like almost an hour and i cant not dry it because it would take days to dry. Then im another hour to straighten it.
Cant leave it curly because it isnt curly (think Hagrid but if his hair was bigger and frizzier!) so need to fight it straight. But the next day i need to fight it again because fuck knows what happens in my sleep but i wake up and its mad again.

For everyone saying "she should be able to do it herself" nah, some hair is just shite!

Theres literally not a soul whos hair i couldnt get poker straight in half an hour... Mine? Constantly looks awful.

Personally id do her hair, because i would kill for help with mine 😂

Neemi1201 · 18/02/2026 09:53

I'm going against the grain here OP - but I would love to have had a girl and been able to style her hair. Are you too busy to do it, or you feel put upon because you feel she should be doing it herself? Maybe view it as a lovely bonding experience instead? I talk loads when I'm at the hairdresser, there's something about having your hair touched/styled that makes you relaxed. Maybe your daughter really loves this time with you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread