Please tell me who is Being unreasonable

[Thisgirlcandance]

18 year old DD and me usually get along fine.
However, we are not agreeing on something and haven't done for a while now.

She insists I straighten her hair once washed a couple of time a week. It's quite thick so she can't manage it properly and is never happy with the way it turns out after she does it herself.

Secondly, when she goes out she she asks for it to be put up and styled by me as again shes not happy when doing it herself.

I feel awful now because we had a row this morning as I once again insist that she keeps trying out styles in her spare time until she finds one that works for her. I don't mind styling her hair for special occasions etc but think that by now she should be comfortable doing her hair when going out on a regular basis.

So Aibu and should stop being lazy and just help her out till she finds a style that she can do herself?

Oh, get a grip. She's 18 years old FFS, she can straighten her own hair and she isn't doing this because she 'cherishes the time'.

I wish my mum could have helped me with my hair at that age. Used to take me hours blowdrying and straightening and i used to hate it and made me so unhappy.

There will come a time when she wont ask and wont be there and you'll miss it.

WTF! ultimately we're talking about an 18 yo who can't brush her hair...

Do your adult kids still need spoon-feeding as well? You know, to maintain a connection with you.

I think children can be quite clever about the ways they will carve out some quality time and possibly that is what she is doing here.

That would be plausible if she was 10. But she's 18.

Don’t feel bad OP, it’s a positive that she wants you near her

Again: she's 18. She shouldn't be so needy at 18 that she needs her mummy near her all the time to do things for her. At 18, if she wants to spend time with her mum, she should be more than capable of saying 'Mum, let's do something together' rather than 'Mum, perform this service for me because I can't be bothered to learn to do it for myself'.

How do you think 18-year-olds cope at university if they need their mum near them and can't manage their own hair?

I think I would compromise. Tell her to do it herself and you'll finish it off. It gives her practise and will take you less time.

Aww, I still miss my mum doing my hair before I left home. It's such a nice way of bonding and feeling taken care of (I did used to do her make-up whenever she went out in return though).

She actually did my hair for a wedding recently when my salon appointment was cancelled... I actually felt quite emotional about it!

Can you try and find a compromise? Maybe she could do some extra housework or something so it feels more fair?

I agree that it's about carving out time with you, rather than being specifically about doing her hair.

DD is the same age, and is currently teaching herself to cook before uni. (She loves baking, but has always loathed cooking)

She keeps asking me to supervise, even though she's perfectly capable to doing it by herself. So I do, even though I just sit in the kitchen while she gets on with it and occasionally asks my opinion on something, or rants about the unspecificity of a "Pinch" of this or "15 to 20 minutes"

Am I needed? No. Am I wanted? Yes. Its a good opportunity to just have a chat with her, and because she's like me at that age, she's deathly allergic to just asking to spend some time together. Theres got to be a reason for it.

The opportunities to spend that time with her are rapidly disappearing, so I'll take what I can get.

I would try and find ways to help her manage her own hair-

Could she have it thinned a little so it isn't too thick to manage? (I have to do this with mine)
Would different hair products give her better results? I have thick frizzy hair so need to use certain shampoo/conditioner/serums that help tame it and keep it straight.
Would different straighteners help? I found wide plates easier for my thick long hair and I also make it easier by clipping the top up to straighten underneath then let that down to straighten the rest

If you want to find out if it's all about quality time together OP, tell her you want quality time with her while you're both loading the dishwasher, changing bedding, cooking dinner or mopping the floors 😏

She should go back to the hairdresser and have a wash and blow dry, and ask them to show her how to do it herself.

I had to do this recently with a new hair cut, couldn't quite work out what I was doing wrong, and the hairdresser showed me which bits to dry in which direction and talked me through it all as she did it. I can now do it myself.

OP, there is a healthy middle ground between still doing your daughters hair as special bonding time but also not being her slave over it. You can do it sometimes but not all the time. Also look and practice new styles together that she can do. It doesn't have to be all or nothing...

Yeah I wouldn’t be doing this.

even if she is doing it to keep “special bonding time” (vomits) I’d rather have special bonding time doing something we both like.

Do you know what? Yes she is 18 and she should be doing it all herself. But I think two posters have said two things that I think really makes sense. Firstly, I think the barter deal sounds great - She does it in return for her helping with something.

But I also think that this is going to be one of those memories that she treasures with you. My DS sometimes asks me to wash his hair for him and I’ll do it because when he’s older and washing his own kids hair I want him to think fondly back on when I used to do his. There’s no one else in the world he would ask to wash his hair other than me.

I think that's very different to you being expected to do labour-intensive tasks that you don't enjoy several times a week.

When you have a multitude of other things to do.

The OPs situation would be more like your DD giving you specific recipes she wants you to cook several times a week when she just watches and eats the food but has no intention of learning how to do it herself.

And when you say maybe you could join in and learn how? She says no, you just do it. And when you have, I'm eating it then going out.

If they can’t do it by themselves by 18 tough luck.

Comments like “poor kid” are the reason why children are not potty trained at age 5 and still have parents cleaning their teeth for them when they are at secondary school. Part of parenting is to force encourage age appropriate independence.

Stick to your guns OP. There are plenty of ways you can spend quality time with your 18 yo without having to be their on demand hairdresser.

She’s an adult.

It’s your job as a parent to to teach her to be independent, otherwise how is she ever going to survive at Uni/living alone/with a partner?

I’m sure she’d also like you to wash her clothes for her and make her lunch everyday, but you’re not her servant and she needs to learn how to do those things (& her hair) for herself.

You can find other ways of spending time together that don’t involve you working and her relaxing.

That works depending on the length and thickness of the hair.

Mine is very thick and long and curly. Whenever I try to blow it out or straighten it it never, ever will be as good as someone else doing it. And that's with every expensive gadget and product I buy.

So I pay occasionally for a hairdresser to do it and commented recently to her, how great it must be to be able to perfectly blow-dry your hair everyday and she said it's never as good doing it herself as someone else doing it. And she has shoulder-length thin straight hair.

Ha! This made me laugh 😂 glad it's not just me then. Honestly, I feel exactly the same. It's not even the doing the hair bit, it's also the wanting it to be just right that irks me.

I'm flooding with my period at the moment (perimenapause) which doesn't help.

Ah bless. Frequently amazed by all the loving mothers out there. Mine would have told me to f off. Hope it all works out. Hugs.

You’re not being lazy, she is.

However I have to agree with the other posters that maybe it’s the quality time she values? Do you spend much one on one time together?

My Mum used to blow dry my hair until I left for university. I was very capable of doing it myself and I did do it when she was busy but I loved her doing it. I just loved spending time with her. There’s a 13 year age gap between me and my youngest siblings so we didn’t get much us time.

I'm sorry but if the best thing someone can remember about their childhood is their DM doing their hair for them - and doing it under duress in OP's case- then it smacks of a pretty unhappy childhood.

Think of all the other fun activities and hobbies and sports and games they could be doing with their DM that would create hapoy memories. Just remembering you forced your DM to do your hair when you were 18 doesn't really hack it imo.

I don’t think it’s her way of spending time with you, I think you’re providing a service for her. Use the time to teach her how to do it. You straighten one half and she does the other, until she learns.

Mmmm mixed responses.

We watch movies together and do a few things together but like most 18 year olds she won't go shopping with me or when I suggest girly days out it's always a straight out no.

I love spending time with her in other ways but the hair has become an issue.

I'm going to try and be a bit more relaxed about it I think. She's my eldest and I don't want her to remember me doing her hair grudgingly. I had no physical or verbal affection growing up from my mum (that changed once she became elderly) so am very keen that's not the case for my kids. I guess I'm trying to strike a balance where they can do things for themselves but it's so hard!

It sounds like you are really frustrated by the demands she's making on you. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want you to help a couple of times a week - like other people have said, it could be a really nice time together - but it is unreasonable if she's expecting you to drop everything to do it, or do it to a level of perfection you can't manage. Or maybe you really hate doing hair.

Your relationship will be changing, as she's now an adult, and that's really hard to navigate. It sounds like your reaction is quite extreme and it's probably worth thinking about why that is. What is it about the request/demand that is bothering you so much? Maybe there's a conversation you need to have with her about independence and expectations. I'm laying the groundwork for that with one of my teenagers and it isn't being well-receivdd!

You can set some boundaries with her around it - you're happy to help but need notice, or if you can, or for a certain amount of time, or to a certain standard. If she doesn't like what you are offering, she can find an alternative - a different hair cut or watch youtube videos to work out how to do it, or do something to help you to free up your time to help her.

You don't sound like you're mean or unkind, just frustrated. And you say yourself that you know you are being a bit unreasonable, so it sounds like you're at a good starting point.

Does she ask you to wipe her bum too?

Seriously, she’s 18 and she isn’t going to live at home forever. She needs to learnt to do these very basic task for herself.

Unless you’ve missed a huge bit of information like she’s disabled or has issues with mobility YANBU