People who just talk about themselves….

[Floradon]

Had a friend stay at the weekend. Someone I’ve known since school and don’t see regularly as we live hours apart. She sort of invited herself but I was happy to host.

I was pretty surprised at the conversation to be honest. She spends a lot of time talking in great detail about her day to day life - who did what at work, updates on her friends/family (who for the most part I don’t know or have maybe met once or twice). Things like her SIL moved to a new commuter town, it’s really nice, but it takes her 90 minutes to commute into London and the local school isn’t great.

After the weekend, I know SO MUCH about her life - that her kids have sausage and broccoli every Thursday and Mac n Cheese on Fridays, that the facilities manager at her work is useless and has just been fired. Etc etc. She’s not got any hobbies so it’s just really work and kids. I tried to generate conversation - she said she was going on holiday soon to somewhere I had been for example and I asked what she wanted to do and what her interests were there but it’s very hard to get anything out of her.

With most friends obv we do chat about life but mostly talk about ‘other things’ that interest us. Or we have shared interests. It’s not like we are debating international politics all the time but we don’t just talk about our day to day lives.

So what’s normal? Are people actually interested in this level of detail of their friends’ lives? Or is she just a bit self absorbed/boring?! The weekend felt so hard I honestly don’t think I could do it again!

YABU - this is normal and people do enjoy hearing about the ins and outs of friends lives

YANBU - she lacks conversational skills and awareness

Because some people don’t like silence, so can’t risk having a pause.
some people don’t understand / never learnt the social convention of conversation requires turn taking.
some people learn communication skills from their parent, so if their parent holds forth, they’ll do the same.
because some people suffer from social anxiety, and a way round that is to keep talking, conversely some people with social anxiety find it really difficult to start/ maintain a conversation.
sometimes it’s lack of awareness or missing subtle cues in the flow on conversation, that it’s time to stop talking and to listen.
There are so many programs on TV / radio and numerous YouTubers and influences talking about oneself that it becomes ingrained into one’s own psyche.
Some people are naturally good communicators (just as some people are naturally creative or naturally analytical) some people aren’t. Where as schooling can help hone creativity or problem solving, or analysing skills, communication skills are very much neglected.

I can’t stand this sort of ‘conversation’. Often it’s because the person is self-absorbed. Sometimes it’s because they’re neurodivergent (although this would probably be less likely to be idle gossip about colleagues and more like monologues about particular topics).

My DD is ND and sometimes ‘monologues’ at me- usually some sort of rant about social issues or politics. I just tell her straight that she is monologuing, and she’ll sort of reset her self and be able to get back to a back-and-forth dialogue.

But in many cases, people are just very self-interested. With those, I just extract myself from the conversation and from the friendship altogether.

I think I remember tha post. About the daughter who was studying theology/philosophy?

You could make a few last ditch efforts to show what the problem is before phasing her out.

Maybe go to dinner and say something like "that meal was delicious, and I think we've now covered your work. Can we use dessert to talk about my holiday?" And just go silent everytime she redirects to herself.

Then next time she wants to meet just say you'd love to but you're meeting Jane because she's going on holiday too and you can tell from dinner last week that your friend was preoccupied with work issues and you dont feel she was in the headspace for cheerier conversation about holidays and you dont feel its fair to put pn her when she doesnt have the headspace for lighter chat and so
you feel its best to give her space to focus on those issues and to let you know when she has the headspace to chat about other things.

Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the drift.

They are bores.

I used to have a friend like this, it got to the point where every time I saw her I felt so drained and resentful that I had to stop. I had a new job for over a year before I told her as I was waiting for her to ask me about work. She never did and even when I told her she had no interest and didn’t ask me about it. I tried to interject stuff between her non stop monologue but she would always just redirect back to her, she had no interest in me and my life whatsoever I realised, I was just a way for her to talk about herself. So I stopped seeing her and don’t miss her at all!! Life is too short.

No one has mentioned the ultimate one - Uncle Colm in Derry girls! The scene where he bores Liam neeson as the police chief into submission was magnificent.

The response of his victims to his endless monologues is hilarious too. “Please make it stop mammy” or the nun “have I died? Am I in hell?” 😄

That's the one. And everyone said she was selfish and needed to learn better social skills

I remember that post too and it reminded me of a youtube video I watched on attraction and what makes someone attractive/charismatic.

He reckoned the most attractive people are those that can exhibit opposing characteristics depending on context. So for example, they can be vulnerable and open at times, but assertive and strong in other contexts. They can be playful, light and humorous sometimes but at other times be deep and philosophical. I agree with him- I think people who can do both depending on context are very, very attractive because they can adjust their approach to the situation they are in.

Its the one note people who become very tedious and predictable - eg the people who are always serious and never able to be light and funny or relax, or alternatively the people who are constantly joking about everything and can never be serious about anything.

That woman who went on and on about philosophy wasnt tedious because she was interested in it- philosophy itself is actually extremely interesting. She was tedious because she couldnt talk about anything else or adjust her approach even when the social context required it!

Yes, train. ‘Reward’ with attention, ‘punish’ with obvious lack of attention, which may include yawning. starting to talk to someone else, getting out a novel and starting to read it, asking for the bill.

Yep my DH best friends now ex wife. She was so boring. She'd interrupt to talk about her kids or her job or general boring crap every 2 minutes. I'm glad I dont have to see her anymore.

Loved reading everyone else’s experiences! Some funny ones which made me laugh.

Glad to know it’s not just me but also sorry to everyone else who has had this! I will try some of the tactics suggested next time I see her - including redirect the conversation.

Agree definitely agree there’s a skill in changing your conversational style to suit who you’re with - I’d have different conversations with different people and depending on the mood.

I once went for dinner with some friends, someone bought their girlfriend who I'd met a few times before, unfortunately I ended up sitting next to her and her child

At the end of the meal I knew this womans entire history, pretty much down to when she last took a shit. She talked about nothing but herself, didn't ask a single question to anyone else, or engage in any conversations not about her. She bought her child who she ignored the entire time. She's introduced herself to me 3x at this point because she keeps forgetting me

Then I was accused of not paying her enough attention or showing her enough interest! Are you taking the piss? She doesn't even know my name yet I know her fucking future child's conception schedule, and apparently after spending 2hrs listening to her and entertaining her child I was the one who didn't put enough effort in. Some people just will never take the hint

I have a friend who just talks about his kids schooling... how bad UK schools are and how he will get his kids a scholarship into public school or SEND assessment and special place...he goes on and on and on about it every time we talk. It's weird - doesn't ask about me or my kids ever. Does't talk about work or travel just school.

I know ( and have known ) so many people like this , men and women. Their eyes glaze over if you even dare say anything about yourself or get away from their favorite subject , themselves.
I don’t mind listening if the subjects are a two way thing, but not many can do this and it has become a dying art.

Makes me sound like the aged crone that I am, but social media has definitely made this loads worse. Everyone's used to being set to broadcast, rather than receive. Posts rather than email/letter exchanges, voicenotes instead of conversations. The art of reciprocal conversation with its ebb and flow is being lost.

I have a friend like that. She’s harmless really and her hearts in the right place so I haven’t ditched her but I stick to cinema visits with the odd coffee beforehand so her monologues are limited to the journey there and back and the coffee.

That’s true it’s partly they don’t pick up the social cues but also they don’t have any interest in anything you have to say. So they wouldn’t say something like, oh well done on getting the new job, you must be so excited. Have you met your colleagues yet, etc, etc. They’d talk instead about the last interview they had and how well they’d done to get the job…

Also if you’re talking in a group and bantering they’ll hijack it to tell some boring fact about their lives which isn’t even an anecdote but kills rather than adds to the conversation.

Like you I’m interested in people’s lives and don’t mind the odd moan. But no monologues or fun-sponges please!

I just know the triggers for some people because if you mention anything at all you know that they will either
Ignore it.
Change it around to be about something they did or an old story you’ve heard ( many ) times before around the same subject.
Change the subject completely.

I’m the first to blame social media for many ills of life, but honestly the type of people who are self absorbed have always been around forever , long before the internet!

That’s true. My granny had a friend like this and she died in the early 1990s

I think we all know people like this. I've a friend who even switches the convo back if you try to change it. Unfortunately, it's become a lot of trauma dumping as she's having a hard time. Thankfully she's now moved so I barely see her.

I still prefer it to BIL, who just monopolises the conversation with bragging and tries to mansplain everything to us (including finance and pension, when DH is a financial adviser!) or my cousin who just sits down & pumps people for information.

My mum is like this. If i start a conversation she will immediately drone on about herself.

I’ve had this with a friend I hadn’t seen for more than 10 years. At my instigation we met up for lunch twice, during which I heard all about her life, family, work, problems etc.
By the end of the second meeting I realised she hadn’t asked a single thing about me and my life.
Although as we left she did ask me one question. About what she should do with her hair.
I haven’t contacted her since.

Yep! Had two “friends” like this and no longer friends 😂 So exhausting and agree it was ALWAYS moaning and negativity.