People who just talk about themselves….

[Floradon]

Had a friend stay at the weekend. Someone I’ve known since school and don’t see regularly as we live hours apart. She sort of invited herself but I was happy to host.

I was pretty surprised at the conversation to be honest. She spends a lot of time talking in great detail about her day to day life - who did what at work, updates on her friends/family (who for the most part I don’t know or have maybe met once or twice). Things like her SIL moved to a new commuter town, it’s really nice, but it takes her 90 minutes to commute into London and the local school isn’t great.

After the weekend, I know SO MUCH about her life - that her kids have sausage and broccoli every Thursday and Mac n Cheese on Fridays, that the facilities manager at her work is useless and has just been fired. Etc etc. She’s not got any hobbies so it’s just really work and kids. I tried to generate conversation - she said she was going on holiday soon to somewhere I had been for example and I asked what she wanted to do and what her interests were there but it’s very hard to get anything out of her.

With most friends obv we do chat about life but mostly talk about ‘other things’ that interest us. Or we have shared interests. It’s not like we are debating international politics all the time but we don’t just talk about our day to day lives.

So what’s normal? Are people actually interested in this level of detail of their friends’ lives? Or is she just a bit self absorbed/boring?! The weekend felt so hard I honestly don’t think I could do it again!

YABU - this is normal and people do enjoy hearing about the ins and outs of friends lives

YANBU - she lacks conversational skills and awareness

Be careful you’re not being used, rather than them valuing your friendship and wanting to share experiences with you.

One of the local dog walkers is like this. She's lovely, so I won't be too mean but she was telling me all about her fil's ailments in detail the other day and I just felt so helplessly trapped. I made zero effort to engage or give any interest signals but she just carried on regardless. I literally couldn't give even the smallest of shits. These people are on permanent transmit not receive mode.

Yeah, I feel like sometimes with some people it’s too much information, we dont need to know every single detail

I remember that thread. It was strange. 'it's rude to ask personal questions'. Yes, well, some questions are rude, but many questions are showing interest.

Nah, self obsessed. I would name her ‘me-me’. Friendship is a two way street. You are not her counsellor or a listening post. Did friend mention how many times they took a dump and how many pieces of toilet roll it took too 🤣

I have an issue with this from both perspectives. I have friends that never ask me questions, so I keep the conversation going asking them questions and end up hearing them talk about themselves the whole time. But then I also have friends that don’t ask questions and I end up possibly talking too much because the conversation goes quiet too often with no effort on their part. It’s exhausting.

I definitely ask questions. I ask her about herself and then she talks in great detail about her life, doesn’t ask questions back or shows very limited interest in anything I say. I try to start conversations about other things (ie not her work or family) and she barely engages. It’s like she’s not comfortable going outside of her conversational safe zone, which is herself.

I suppose I am attracted to people who are very entertaining talkers, who can be amusing and/or intelligent on nearly any subject, whether it’s contemporary politics or the contents of their underwear drawer. I wouldn’t be around bores.

I’ve heard this referred to as being always on transmit and never on receive, and that really sums it up. No interest in your life at all, just a need to talk AT somebody.
A woman I was friends with years ago is like this, and I just avoid her now (we live hundreds of miles apart which really helps). She dominates any conversation 95% of the time, and it’s so incredibly boring. Last time we spoke (or rather she monologued) after a blessedly long period of no contact, within three minutes she told me how her successor in her job (who I had never met) was having trouble getting the carpets in her house replaced.

My sis does this. After spending any length of time with her I have to go home and decompress on my own as it's so overwhelming/tedious/exhausting

😂great example.

I have deliberately moved away from these people as sooo dull.

When I told my aunty I was expecting a baby, she said oh right we have some exciting news too. Their daughter’s mother in law was getting a new kitchen 🤷‍♀️

This is so pertinent for me right now, OP. My BF rings me and just reels off lists of things she's done with minimum input from me. I don't know why she does it, maybe she finds it comforting to tick things off mentally. She's moving soon so it's all she can talk about and it makes me feel tired going over and over and over it. I've had to take a step back from her while I'm going through some stuff at work because she's not really interested in hearing about it and I feel like I need to focus on my own needs for a while. Strangely I don't feel bad about it at all, it honestly seems like the right thing to do. I think you have to prioritise your own headspace with people like that. It's draining otherwise.

Of course she wants to go away for a weekend with you - she probably had a great time and thinks you're an amazing listener. Don't do it.

It’s incredible , I just spent an afternoon with a friend who now lives hours away and she talked and talked just in the way you all describe. I came away feeling almost tearful at the bombardment, disappointed in the lack of conversation, just felt so tired. The worse thing is she’s aware she does this but seems unable to stop. I really want to understand why she and others do this. Unfortunately even my sister is starting to do this when we face time, she lives in a different country to me.

It's the people who over share on first meeting. I met this couple and within 20 minutes I heard about how her first husband ran off with her sister and how his wife had an affair with his best mate...he didn't say a word...I was just lost for what to say

I feel your pain @Floradon. I have a friend like this and I now deliberately don't ask her questions anymore because I know that will set her off on another lengthy monologue...but then I also feel guilty for not coming across as being interested in her life.

I genuinely am interested, and she does some really cool stuff, but every conversation is completely dominated by he, giving the most microscopic detail, what she had for dinner, everything and anything.

If she ever does ask me a question, she'll then interrupt my answer to either tell me something else vaguely related (more monologuing) or ask me another question...and then interrupt my answer again.

It's actually bloody infuriating!

I had one acquaintance like this - don't see her anymore. I also have an old friend like this; the only way to manage it is to see her infrequently and just for a couple of hours. The worst offender is a close family member and I literally don't listen to a word they say, I just zone out, and they never notice. Cannot tolerate this behaviour now I'm older; time is too precious! It's unbearably selfish and rude.

What fascinates me with this type of person (I had a friend like this and it was exhausting!) is that they clearly do listen in certain scenarios as they’ll reel off in the tiniest detail information about other people and their lives who have no relevance to you…. So clearly they have the capacity to listen in some way? I put it down to me being too good a listener and haven’t seen this friend now for years.

I became friendly with one of DDs friends mums. I know everything about her, where she grew up, siblings, universities, ex boyfriends, jobs she’s had.
I bet at a push she might have know when my last job was, but not what it was.
This is after knowing her for years.

My BIL is the best at this. I had a professional role for years, he thought I was a receptionist at the place I worked. I know every thought thats passed through his head.

I think it's not the tedious conversation, its the fact they aren't picking up on your boredom/changing the subject.

I don't think every conversation can be fantastically interesting all the time. A bit of chat about your life/work etc is fine. A bit of a moan is fine but when someone can't identify their audience is bored stiff, and won't engage in other conversations or always manages to swing whatever your talking about back around to themselves it's very difficult. I don't have any tips, I just zone out and pray that it's over soon

I genuinely feel that there are some people in the world that could manage to turn a conversation on impending nuclear war back around to what time they eat dinner on a monday

My MIL is just like this, she just always talks about herself it’s so boring. I’ve got quite good at tuning out and nodding in the right places. On the odd occasion she asks how I am she clearly never listens to my answer and turns any conversation back to herself. She just drones on and on it’s draining.

Most people I know are like this unfortunately. I try not to be. My friends can be terrible for it.

I’d rather not fill the air with boring noise that no one cares about ie what my kid had for tea or the nuances of the day, and I’d rather be quiet until I had something more interesting today, but this seems to be a minority view these days.
Sorry, not much help- but you aren’t alone!

So a good technique for people with nefarious intentions then?

If someone is boring I don't think I really care whether they trust me or not.