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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Cancelled - AIBU?

71 replies

MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:10

I wfh part time. I'm basically on the phone all the time and can't move away from my screen that much. This week, I arranged for a friend to sit in for my child for two half-days. Today and tomorrow. In return, I was going to help her out with something next week. She also has a little boy the same age. I dropped DS off this morning, only to learn that tomorrow wouldn't work for her because her DS would rather have a play date with a different child, and it was the only day this other child could do it. So, now I'm left with no childcare for tomorrow. I will make other arrangements if I can, but I do feel a bit upset. It's not that I think she owes me or anything like that. Nor that her son shouldn't have the opportunity to play with other children. But it was very short notice. We try to help each other out as much as we can. And I hope I do as much for her as she does for me, and that I'm not taking the piss. My DS will be going on a trip for a few days on Wednesday with my family. I should have tried to get some extra holiday to cover half term, but I left it too late, and I'm now in a bit of a mess. AIBU to be a bit upset about this? She usually helps me a lot, but I try to do the same in return. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 16/02/2026 11:11

That’s really unfair of her. I would not be helping her next week.

FaintingGoats · 16/02/2026 11:12

Yeah you can’t rely on her. Tbh I’d probably just call in sick if I was in that much of a bind. Not ideal but what else can you do.

CinnamonBuns67 · 16/02/2026 11:15

Yanbu. She made a commitment to help you this week so she should have honoured it and told her DS he could have a play date with the other friend another time. I couldn't ever leave a friend in such a pickle for anything other than an emergency.

Greenqueen40 · 16/02/2026 11:16

Yes really not on, please cancel her childcare for next week as well!

BillieWiper · 16/02/2026 11:17

That's outrageous of order. If it was made plain that it was more of a childcare need than a traditional playdate your kid shouldn't be bumped in favour of someone else. Who probably doesn't even have childcare issues. Well even if it was just a regular playdate it's rude to cancel in favour of something 'better'.

The mum should say to her kid 'No, We've promised Tommy's mum he can come and she's got to do something else. If you want to play with Bob he can join in as well or we can see him another day.'

But you can't really make her say it. I'd just stop helping her out in future.

mondaytosunday · 16/02/2026 11:20

Yes the excuse seems a bit feeble - I do think children have valid thoughts and opinions but I would have told my child that it wasn’t just a play date but something to help out his mother that has been arranged in advance and we have to honour our commitments, and the he could have a play date with the other child next week after school or on the next weekend. You don’t say the age of the children but I’m assuming they are in primary school so old enough to understand what a promise and commitment means (though the promise was made without consulting the child, there’s that ….).
She also should have told you as soon as she arranged the other play date; I do think people find it hard to understand that just because you work at home it doesn’t mean you have much flexibility.

Original poster
MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:20

I don't think I could do that. We're close friends, and I don't want to get into a tit for tat. But I think, as far as child care goes, I'll try to break away from having to ask her. She takes DS two or three times a month, but I like to think I do other things for her in return so that it's equal. And I often give way of thanks with wine, pressies etc. I think I just needed a bit of a vent. I'm blaming myself as much as anything for not planning properly for half-term. I'm a single mother with no family nearby, so it's not always easy. But I'm going to have to have a good think.

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 11:21

I think she commited to you first so it's wrong to change plans, especially this short notice and knowing it isn't just an ordinary playdate.
I wouldn't trust her for childcare in the future and look into holiday clubs, although they will be expensive and this might have been the deciding factor for you and this friend to help each other out.

Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 11:24

MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:20

I don't think I could do that. We're close friends, and I don't want to get into a tit for tat. But I think, as far as child care goes, I'll try to break away from having to ask her. She takes DS two or three times a month, but I like to think I do other things for her in return so that it's equal. And I often give way of thanks with wine, pressies etc. I think I just needed a bit of a vent. I'm blaming myself as much as anything for not planning properly for half-term. I'm a single mother with no family nearby, so it's not always easy. But I'm going to have to have a good think.

If she takes your child 2-3 times per month maybe she has had enough and doesn't know how to say it. Though what she has done is more awkward than her just saying she can't do it any more.
I thought the arrangement was to benefit you both but sounds like it's only essential for you, so while you might reciprocate by looking after her child and buying gifts, if it's not essential to her (and maybe her own child doesn't always want to play with yours) she is trying to cut back on it.

PinkPhonyClub · 16/02/2026 11:24

On a stand alone basis she has behaved unfairly. But from your later posts I strongly suspect that she is annoyed at being asked several times a month for childcare, finds it inconvenient and wants that to stop.

So personally I would make other arrangements for tomorrow and find alternative sources of support going forward. Hard I know as a single parent but I think your credit here is spent.

Original poster
MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:24

Yes, the clubs are expensive. But, I'm just going to have to suck it up in future, I think. I can cut back on other things and set aside money for proper care during the holidays. I don't like having to rely on people, even occasionally. So, this can be a bit of a wake-up call to get more organised.

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 16/02/2026 11:25

100% she is being unreasonable. You arrange with her in advance and she is cancelling last minute for basically a better day.

I wouldn't go and cancel on her next week as it comes across as petty but I would reduce when I say I can help her in future.

Don't feel too guilty and like you failed to plan or should have planned better. You made a plan and external to you it fell through.

Original poster
MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:27

I think I give back to the relationship fairly. I do things for her that are equal in terms of the time I give. But it could be that her child has had enough of playing with mine. That's true. I can accept that. A friendship shouldn't be forced.

OP posts:
dicentra365 · 16/02/2026 11:28

MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:20

I don't think I could do that. We're close friends, and I don't want to get into a tit for tat. But I think, as far as child care goes, I'll try to break away from having to ask her. She takes DS two or three times a month, but I like to think I do other things for her in return so that it's equal. And I often give way of thanks with wine, pressies etc. I think I just needed a bit of a vent. I'm blaming myself as much as anything for not planning properly for half-term. I'm a single mother with no family nearby, so it's not always easy. But I'm going to have to have a good think.

What other things do you do for her in return? Is it reciprocal childcare? That does sound like quite a bit she is doing.

DestinedToBeOutlived · 16/02/2026 11:28

What sort of things do you do for her?

She likely thinks that babysitting your child multiple times per month is a much bigger favour than you're doing for her and is sending a message that you can't rely on her anymore.

Delatron · 16/02/2026 11:29

It is out of order but this is unfortunately why you need to pay for childcare - so it can be reliable.

2/3 times a month is actually a lot.

Both of you need to sort something else out if you can’t be reliable or one person feels it’s unfair.

Original poster
MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:30

I can't really say because it's outing. But, hour for hour, it's the same. Let's say, I help her professionally. The presents are on top of that. The kids are of an age where they play most of the day independently. They're not toddlers.

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowShirly · 16/02/2026 11:31

Yes, I think you're right. 2/3 times a month is a lot. I'm going to sort it out.

OP posts:
Weeklyreport · 16/02/2026 11:34

Greenqueen40 · 16/02/2026 11:16

Yes really not on, please cancel her childcare for next week as well!

The OP hasn't said she provides childcare. And the friend has provided at least one day of childcare. If the OP chooses to behave in such a tit-for-tat childish way then she will be kissing goodbye to the friendship.

FcukBreastCancer · 16/02/2026 11:34

I think you are probably relying on her too much and she's probably had enough. Having another person's kid is probably harder work than whatever you do 'professionally' (given you dont say what)

Weeklyreport · 16/02/2026 11:37

It was wrong of your friend to cancel at short notice for such a flimsy reason. But I do think you need to have an open conversation with her about expectations and whether she is okay with the current trade-off of favours. Ideally, if she had a problem with it, she would have brought it up herself but nobody gets it right every time.

CarlaLemarchant · 16/02/2026 11:39

She’s let you down but I wonder if she feels that she is hard done by out of this arrangement. You don’t want to say what you do in return so nobody here can say whether it is equal or not.

Regardless, make alternative arrangements. Use paid childcare.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/02/2026 11:41

It was really crappy of her to cancel, but maybe the arrangement isn’t working any more and needs to stop. I’d investigate holiday clubs now ready for Easter.

dampmuddyandcold · 16/02/2026 11:41

This may not be a popular view but I do think arrangements like this can put a lot of strain on friendships and goodwill. It’s different to helping out in an emergency situation, which generally people don’t mind and like feeling helpful, it’s when something is an obligation or a duty that can put pressure on people.

That’s not to say it’s your fault; we’re always told on here to ask another mum or whatever but generally it just doesn’t work IME anyway.

noidea69 · 16/02/2026 11:43

Where is kids dad in this? Can he not take time off whilst you are working?

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