Childcare Cancelled - AIBU?

[MellowShirly]

I wfh part time. I'm basically on the phone all the time and can't move away from my screen that much. This week, I arranged for a friend to sit in for my child for two half-days. Today and tomorrow. In return, I was going to help her out with something next week. She also has a little boy the same age. I dropped DS off this morning, only to learn that tomorrow wouldn't work for her because her DS would rather have a play date with a different child, and it was the only day this other child could do it. So, now I'm left with no childcare for tomorrow. I will make other arrangements if I can, but I do feel a bit upset. It's not that I think she owes me or anything like that. Nor that her son shouldn't have the opportunity to play with other children. But it was very short notice. We try to help each other out as much as we can. And I hope I do as much for her as she does for me, and that I'm not taking the piss. My DS will be going on a trip for a few days on Wednesday with my family. I should have tried to get some extra holiday to cover half term, but I left it too late, and I'm now in a bit of a mess. AIBU to be a bit upset about this? She usually helps me a lot, but I try to do the same in return. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive.

You sound too nice. I would definitely be unavailable for her next week.

You're doing the right thing by letting it go (in this situation).

He's old enough to not really need childcare for the old day or two here and there whilst you work, so that should help you financially too.

At 9 he should be totally fine with you in same house on calls. During Covid many of us did this over an extended time with younger kids. It’s not what you dream of for your child’s day but it’s good for them to learn to spend a day being quiet and respectful to someone working nearby.

Tonight set out some colouring books and othe activities for him to do and tell him when your break times will be

I think she was wrong to cancel at such short notice but perhaps she finds looking after your child more of a chore than you realise. She may also not realise that your wfh is so rigid and that having your DC around is very difficult. Good that you are trying to look ahead to make alternative arrangements at Easter. It's not easy.

Thats not how close friends treat each other

you may consider her a friend of yours, but she doesn’t treat you the same way.

You need to find other ways of managing childcare that doesn’t involve her.

and no, absolutely DONT be childcare for her next week. Make other plans and serve her the same dish she served you.

she isn’t a friend.

She's not sick!

Wow. Are you seriously defending her? If she didn't want to do it she should have said so. And working from home is WORKING! You can't look after a child whilst you are being paid to work just because you happen to be in the house.

The last minute change could be due to her own child wanting to see a different friend and being fed up of always having to see the OPs because of the childcare arrangement. Also if the boys aren't particularly friendly anymore then it does become more hassle. I have mum friends where our children are no longer friends. They are still at school together but mix with other children. If in a bind then I would help out another mum but to do this 3 times a month and to do two consecutive days of half term is a lot to expect if your own child wishes to see another friend and has had enough of the other boy.

I think this with brass nobs on! I think it's hard for kids when parents have this sort of relationship as they are kind of forced to play with the other child all the time. It's also not necessarily that her child has "had enough of yours" but just that he or she wants another friend round. When I was young, I went to a friend of my mum's after school and holidays, who she paid to care for me. I think that was maybe sometimes hard on her children, although given her boy was older and her two girls were younger, I think it worked ok, because I would happily have some one-on-one attention from her, while her girls had friends round. I guess it worked out cause 35 years on, with all 4 parents in heaven, I am still friends with her girls! I can see it might have been harder if we were the same age though.

Don't be ridiculous. The child does not get to overrule plans that his mother has made.

The child is 9. He has already spent the day with the OPs son on Monday. It sounds like a complicated situation and while children don't get the overall say, if he turns round saying it's not fair he can't ever see Charlie because they have to have Fred, and he doesn't even like playing with Fred anymore then I can see the mum feeling guilty for agreeing to look after Fred so often. The arrangement also doesn't completely benefit her, as she doesn't need her child to be looked after in return, and I assume whatever professional service the OP gives for free the mum could pay for.

So you get UC? You would get childcare paid if through a registered provider.

Agree with this. I can't imagine my DM letting us flake on plans purely because one of us wanted to do something else. I see it all the time with friends, "oh I know we had plans to come to yours but Jane now wants to go to the expensive indoor play area". That's taking the child centered approach too far and teaching them nothing about being a reliable person.

I'd be quietly dialling back how many favours I'd do this friend OP.

Do you genuinely not see how wrong your attitude is? The woman made a commitment to look after someone's child. By changing her mind at the last minute, she has left her own friend in the shit. If she had said no in the first place for your reasons, that's fine, but to do it at the last minute is appalling. Your kids are presumably spoilt brats if you allow them to change your plans on a whim and you are incredibly selfish.

🤣

My point is that the parents are friends and the mum made a commitment she shouldn't have. I agreed if you read the whole thread it was wrong to let her down short notice, BUT seeing as they had the son yesterday and look after them 3 times a month then this could explain why they don't want to do it again today.
The other mum may not have realised quite how fed up her own son was with having the other boy around and how it was preventing him from seeing his actual friends. Maybe her own son has been really upset over the arrangement and it's only come out this week just how upset he was.
Maybe she also believes as OP works from home and while it is helpful to have childcare it is not essential, especially considering the child is 9 not 3!

We had a similar situation when my daughter was at primary school. I had structured child care in place. Tuesday and Thursday I’d arranged with work to be able to pick up my child from school, one of the parents picked up on this and while I didn’t mind emergency but it felt that I was being the default child care and it meant the time I wanted to spend with my child I couldn’t. They had offered other ways to support but I just had to be clear and say I’m not working to spend time with my child and to enable play dates with her friends rather than just one friend.

We stayed friends some 15 years later, our children didn’t they had nothing in common!

Mmm going against the grain here. You didn’t arrange or organise childcare in advance and instead you asked, told, assumed or made a vague arrangement with your friend that she would look after your DS which wasn’t definite in her eyes and twice in the half term week is a lot and could well be seen as taking the piss.

When I had DS (someone we knew and had regular play dates with) said to me one day in the summer before they started school. I have been thinking when the boys start school (two different primary schools just over a mile apart but lots of traffic). Because you have changed your hours to finish at 3 you can collect then four days a week and give them tea and I will collect them every Friday and do the same unless we are away for the weekend. I was taken aback and asked question as to how she thought it might work as we both had another younger child each at nursery and what about after school activities and how four days a week one child would be late getting picked up etc. She just assumed because this was the cheapest and best arrangement for her that I would just fall in with it and collect and have four children after school four days a week and run myself ragged after finishing work at 3. Next time I saw her a week later I said no it won’t work for us. She said I’d let her down and she had had this arrangement in mind for months and I wouldn’t be having four children four days a week every week as once every couple of months her parents would stay and help out. We hardly saw them after I said no and she told others that I had let her down and ruined her childcare plans. Both schools had wrap around care too, she just didn’t want to use this.

Your child is 9 op. 9. I thought your child was much younger. Why can’t he occupy himself for a few hours? I’m amazed really that at 9 he can’t be expected to do something on his own for a little while?
im saying this having a 9yo myself. My ds will find something to do and can make a snack for himself too. I check on him here and there but he’s usually busy with something.

Its a bit shitty of her to drop this at such short notice. She should have honoured the agreement this time but then made it clear that it won't really work for Easter and needs scaling back a bit. I'm wondering if friend was expecting by age 9 the "childcare playdate" phase would start to naturally fizzle out a bit as your DS makes more friends (and goes to their houses for the afternoon/ a few hours), starts entertaining themselves more so doesn't need to go to friends houses for childcare.

I do wonder if the child care situation was a conversation that needed to be had. By 9 children start really getting their own circle of friends and start not been so happy about "forced" friendship. It can be a hard time for parents who are friends but their children just don't get along as well or have outgrown the friendship, many are happy to tolerate one day with parents friends kid but not multiple days.

It seems your friend is doing a lot of care for you and I can definitely see that she may be getting "oh, Fred, coming again..." Style comments if they have outgrown the friendship. Like I said up thread, she was maybe expecting by around now to be doing less holiday childcare as your DS might be going to Tom's or Harry's (other friends houses) instead of just going to hers and playing with her "Billy", equally her Billy may have friends who want him to go to theirs and Billy might want his friends George and Dave to come round without having Fred just tagging along. It can also be awkward as interests develop, if your Fred is "young for age" then he will probably play younger than your friend's Billy and this can make playdates a bit challenging for the host.

The way you speak about blocks of work and noise, im inferring you have a hairdressing/ nails/ beauty/ self care related business where clients will not appreciate hearing a child charging about/ interrupting for snacks ect. It would also make sense how you offer your friend something of the same hours/ value but of professional nature. I have a friend who is a hairdresser and in the holidays she arranges work in blocks and her children playdate (e.g 10-2) or go to a holiday club and then she will offer a 5pm-9pm block where her DH does the child care. It does involve blocking her diary up in advance for those days. She does also take a hit in the holidays as she can't do as many clients. For example she will either do a colour cut, blowdry or fit in 2 or 3 cut and blowdrys or able to offer several trims. It does also mean she asks her clients upfront what they want in regards to their appointments over the holidays and works them in around her childcare blocks. She also has clients who don't mind children or who have their own children who come and play with hers (usually mum friends) whilst she does their cut and blowdry or trim. These appointments are 90 mins max and she has easygoing, sociable children.

Either way, you are going to have to find other childcare arrangements, perhaps using clubs, juggling your hours or widening circle of friends playdates.

I think this arrangement is a slightly strange mix between childcare and a playdate that has been arranged for the children without their in put.

My child was 7 when covid lockdown first hit, He spend literally hours in the house, while his dad and I were both working on-line. I wonder whether the problem is, that the OP sees it as childcare, while the other mum saw it as a playdate for the kids (because they don't really need childcare if a parent is home) which she shouldn't actually have arranged if her child didn't want it!

Yanbu- Myself and a couple mums used to help eachother out with childcare when our children were younger, on several occasions when I had one child so their mam could work, a friend had asked to arrange a play date, I never said I could no longer commit to looking after the child - I instead included them in the play date, or I arranged another day for the play date. I think it seems a bit poor of your friend to be honest.